- How did drinking take control of your life?

How did drinking take control of your life?




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

How did drinking take control of your life?

Postby Jools » Thu Dec 18, 2008 8:41 am

What things wouldn't you do because there wasn't any alcohol?

How did drinking control you instead of you controlling it?

How did alcohol dictate what you did and where you went?


These are some questions my sponsor asked me to write out for step 1. Yes, I'm still on step one mainly because we haven't gotten together for the past few weeks. I feel like I've been stagnant. Just going to meetings and reading from the BB.

I don't have anything to share at meetings because I haven't done anything.

Hope y'all are well today!

Julie
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Postby Victor » Thu Dec 18, 2008 10:42 am

"I don't have anything to share at meetings because I haven't done anything."

Julie never underestimate what you have to offer to others in recovery just by reading your post i am reminded to contact my sponsor (been a few weeks also), consider and remember how drinking had controlled my life before A.A. and turning it over to my HP. Thank you for the reminders :wink:

peace

vic
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Postby Dallas » Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:01 am

Julie, I'm sure glad that you've got a lot of valuable sharing that you share here! Thank you for sharing and thank you for your participation. :wink:

Julie wrote:What things wouldn't you do because there wasn't any alcohol?

How did drinking control you instead of you controlling it?

How did alcohol dictate what you did and where you went?


Great questions! Thanks for asking!

1. In the last days of my drinking... the biggest thing that I wouldn't do because there wasn't alcohol was: Living! I wouldn't do much of anything without it. I always had a stash with me.

I wouldn't go out to eat without a drink. I'd have a bottle of wine in my trunk so that I could pour a big tumbler of wine to drink... to get me ready for the meal... so that I wouldn't drink too much wine with the meal! I think I did that more so because it was cheaper to buy a bottle and go outside for a snort rather than spending all that good drinking money ordering it by the glass. I was spending my money wisely! :lol:

2. I had to keep an escape route wherever I went. I had to have a way to sneak a drink if drinking wasn't allowed or appropriate for where I was and what I was doing. Briefcase, lunch bag, camera bag... and I used to have a girlfriend carry a huge diaper bag with us... when we went to the movies! We didn't have any kids... her purse was too small! And, I'd buy those disposable baby bottles... the kind with the little bag inside... and fill them up with Ameretto to pour into the cokes while we were watching the movie and eating popcorn!

3. It dictated everywhere I went because I couldn't live without it. I needed it to function, to be social, to dance, to be friendly, etceteras.

Those are my answers!

Dallas
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Postby sunlight » Thu Dec 18, 2008 1:22 pm

Julie! I'm so happy to hear from you!
You have been on my mind for days.

One of the things I wouldn't do if there was no alcohol, was stay anywhere very long. I'd pretend to be visiting or having a good time at a party, but inside I was chomping at the bit to get home & drink.
I also wouldn't get close to anyone, lest they find out my dirty secret that I was a drunk.

It controlled me by creating those "mental blank spots" the book talks about.
I would swear to myself that I wasn't going to drink, & the next thing I'd know, I was in the liquor store & have no clue how I got there!
Blackouts took away any control over what I was doing. I would be walking & talking & literally not be able to see, or know what I was saying.
(Someone explained to me how that happens, & why it makes us insane.)

Alcohol dictated that I always have more alcohol! I was obsessed like a stalker. I could sniff it out like a bird dog. I had alcohol radar.
Once, when I tried not keeping it in the house, I snuck over to my neighbor's when she wasn't home ( I had a key to her place ) & took nips from all her bottles. Then, I went back over with a thermos & filled it up from her wine box. I kept going back, refilling that thermos, until I'd emptied the box. So then I had to buy her a new box & drink half of it so it would look untouched. :roll:

It dictated where I went, cuz I didn't GO anywhere where I had to stay very long. I was a closet drinker mostly, not going to bars at all cuz I was terrified to drive drunk. I mostly went to my neighbor's, cuz she drank like I did & she would have her boyfriend carry me home when I passed out, or let me sleep on her couch.

Wow. Thank you for calling to mind for me what it was like. I needed that.

I've posted before that what you have to share is YOU & there is only one of you & we would be sorely lacking without that YOU.
We are uniquely equipped to help each other in a way no one else can because we're alcoholics!
I don't always get to see how I'm helping, or how my measly experience can benefit anyone. But I think it's kind of like the "loaves & fishes" story. It gets blessed & multiplied & given where it's needed.

Love you, lady!
I got your cold & am now slathered in horseradish & hot mustard! :lol:
When I give advice, I usually end up having to take it myself. :lol:
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Postby Jools » Thu Dec 18, 2008 4:42 pm

Awww, you guys! :oops: Thank you so much for your replies and your kind words. I love y'all and really appreciate each of you.

I kind of got stumped, but basically put down all the things Dallas did. I hadn't thought of sneakin' over to my neighbors and drinkin' their liquor. Haha!

I did use to sneak drinks at parties while I was dry that 9 years...spiked punch, take a drink of their mixed drinks or a swig of their beers. I guess I wasn't dry 9 yrs eh?

Like Dallas, I took alcohol everywhere I went, even to the bar. I'm all about saving money too and drinking absolute or sky vodka would really add up at a bar, not to mention they NEVER made them strong enuff. So, I'd fill a water bottle full of vodka and take it with me to the bar, the movies, family functions, well, everywhere.

I wrote down living too. I shut out all of my friends, wouldn't answer their calls or invite them over anymore because I wanted to drink and drink some more.

On Sunday and Monday mornings I'd wake up and start drinking, go back to sleep, get up and start again. It was all just crazy.

I'm so glad to be sober today.

Hugs to y'all,
Julie
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Postby Dallas » Fri Dec 19, 2008 12:34 am

thanx_2hm wrote:So, I'd fill a water bottle full of vodka and take it with me to the bar,


I can only remember them having one gallon or five gallon water bottles when I got sober... So, my alternative was: I bought the bar!!! Then, it was okay for me to be bringing bottles into the bar! (Then, I wasn't afraid it would have hurt my image if I got caught! ) :lol: :lol:

Sunlight wrote:We are uniquely equipped to help each other in a way no one else can because we're alcoholics!


That's my definition of BLESSED! I guess that's why it took me so long to get help... I didn't know that it would be a sober drunk that would be able to help me!!!! I just figured that help didn't exist.... until I met the alkies in AA.

Sunlight wrote:Once, when I tried not keeping it in the house, I snuck over to my neighbor's when she wasn't home ( I had a key to her place ) & took nips from all her bottles. Then, I went back over with a thermos & filled it up from her wine box. I kept going back, refilling that thermos, until I'd emptied the box. So then I had to buy her a new box & drink half of it so it would look untouched.


Now... I'm not so old or backwards that I didn't have neighbors before I got sober...... :lol: But, that trick never crossed my mind! Geesss... I can only imagine having to make direct amends for that one!!! What would my friend think of me!!! :lol: :lol:
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Postby GeoffS » Fri Dec 19, 2008 1:13 am

Victor wrote:" i am reminded to contact my sponsor (been a few weeks also),


I call my sponsor every day. That is what I was told on day one by the older sober members. Calling him reminds me on a daily basis that I am alcoholic and have to take certain actions to gain a daily reprieve. There's not always a lot to say. Just connecting with another alcoholic for a few minutes keeps me connected to the program and the fellowship. I am then reminded that every day I must seek guidance from a power greater than me.

When I used to drink, I thought I could go it alone, lived by my will, never listened to or shared how I felt with anyone.

That kind of behaviour got me in a mess and in AA.

To all sponsees out there, call your sponsors regularly, it helps them it really does.
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Postby Jools » Fri Dec 19, 2008 9:25 am

Tell um, Geoff! Gee, it's ok for you sponsors to call your sponsees too.;)

I called mine last Tuesday and she told me she'd call me RIGHT back, never did call me back.

I was supposed to meet with her last night, this is after she put me off for the last two weeks. I haven't seen her since, oh, about a month ago. I am available, shes just not.

Well last night was the final straw for me. She was supposed to meet me at the 5:30 meeting then we were FINALLY going to do the first step. She never showed up during the meeting. I went outside and she wasn't in the parking lot either. I called her and she was in another meeting and said she forgot and she'd call me as soon as she got out of there.

Well, I broke down crying. How could she forget me?:( She asked me to remind her Wednesday night and I did. It REALLY hurt me deep down inside and it's bringing tears to my eyes now. Actually, the thought crossed my mind to say to heck with it. I've had two sponsors and it just isn't working out. I immediately went to the 7pm meeting and shared at the end of the meeting about it. I said that apparently my picker is off so if there is someone who is willing to work the steps with me, who works the steps in their own lives to please see me after the meeting. I had three women give me their phone numbers.

One thing...there was only one of those three women cleaning up after the meeting. I believe in service work no matter how long I've been sober so that spoke volumes to me.

Julie
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Postby sunlight » Fri Dec 19, 2008 1:48 pm

Good morning Julie! :D

Spooky sponsor stories! :evil: :x :? :shock: :cry: :?:
I have a few of those.

The first woman I asked to be my sponsor told me no, that she doesn't sponsor anybody & she's just too busy anyway. :!: :?:
I was crushed. I felt like I had asked someone to marry me & was rejected. :roll:

So I asked the next woman I saw, at a woman's meeting. Kind of a rebound choice.

At around 30 days, we're taking the 2nd step while she's shopping!
She asks about my concept of God, & I tell her, & she says that's total BS. :shock:
Young as I was in sobriety, I KNEW you didn't do that. (Didn't she read the part about choosing your own conception of God?)
I learned real early that, job or no job, sponsor or degrading sponsor, my real reliance was going to have to be on God.

At step 6 I began to wonder if she'd actually taken these steps & by 11 we were done with each other. She was always yelling at me for not being available to meet during the day & didn't get it that I work!

Two points here:

1. It hurts!
I was so used to being hurt, that I just took it like a badly beaten puppy. It made me feel like garbage & not worth her time.
But, inside, something else was happening. Something wonderful. And I was able to part with her without being hurtful!

2. These steps work, even with a sucky sponsor!
Though it's much better if you have a mutual respect & understanding.
DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED!
Don't let anything keep you from those steps! They're too important!

Since then, I've been blessed with two awesome sponsors. My current sponsor is so much like me that we learn from each other! And we call each other!

Thank you for sharing. My heart aches for the hurt you're feeling.
But, I'm also grinning like the sun, because I KNOW all the good things that are in store for you!

Love you!

P.S. Just think, when You sponsor someone, you'll know what NOT to do!
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Postby sunlight » Mon Dec 22, 2008 5:15 pm

Dallas wrote:

I can only imagine having to make direct amends for that one!!! What would my friend think of me?!!


Nah, my friend KNEW that I was pitifully & incomprehensibly demoralized!
She just said that she was glad I got help.

We are still friends, although I had to stay away from her for a while when I first got sober ( she WAS my drinking buddy).

I was supposed to go over to her house Saturday & we were going to bake cookies & exchange gifts. She wouldn't answer her phone or come to the door.
Sunday it was the same thing. I was about to use my key to get in, when she finally answered the door, hungover, angry & crying. :cry:

She's a hard drinker. Is she alcoholic? I don't know.
But SHE knows where to go if she decides she is. :wink:
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