Julie! I'm so happy to hear from you!
You have been on my mind for days.
One of the things I wouldn't do if there was no alcohol, was stay anywhere very long. I'd pretend to be visiting or having a good time at a party, but inside I was chomping at the bit to get home & drink.
I also wouldn't get close to anyone, lest they find out my dirty secret that I was a drunk.
It controlled me by creating those "mental blank spots" the book talks about.
I would swear to myself that I wasn't going to drink, & the next thing I'd know, I was in the liquor store & have no clue how I got there!
Blackouts took away any control over what I was doing. I would be walking & talking & literally not be able to see, or know what I was saying.
(Someone explained to me how that happens, & why it makes us insane.)
Alcohol dictated that I always have more alcohol! I was obsessed like a stalker. I could sniff it out like a bird dog. I had alcohol radar.
Once, when I tried not keeping it in the house, I snuck over to my neighbor's when she wasn't home ( I had a key to her place ) & took nips from all her bottles. Then, I went back over with a thermos & filled it up from her wine box. I kept going back, refilling that thermos, until I'd emptied the box. So then I had to buy her a new box & drink half of it so it would look untouched.
It dictated where I went, cuz I didn't GO anywhere where I had to stay very long. I was a closet drinker mostly, not going to bars at all cuz I was terrified to drive drunk. I mostly went to my neighbor's, cuz she drank like I did & she would have her boyfriend carry me home when I passed out, or let me sleep on her couch.
Wow. Thank you for calling to mind for me what it was like. I needed that.
I've posted before that what you have to share is YOU & there is only one of you & we would be sorely lacking without that YOU.
We are uniquely equipped to help each other in a way no one else can because we're alcoholics!
I don't always get to see how I'm helping, or how my measly experience can benefit anyone. But I think it's kind of like the "loaves & fishes" story. It gets blessed & multiplied & given where it's needed.
Love you, lady!
I got your cold & am now slathered in horseradish & hot mustard!
When I give advice, I usually end up having to take it myself.