I was wondering why you hadn't logged-in and began to participate until now! Thanks for letting me know!
Welcome to the site and I'm glad you're here! You've taken the next right action... and introduced yourself and let us know what's going on with you that's preventing you from achieving and maintianing sobriety... in addition to what's blocking you from getting better.
I'm going to post a few of your comments, and then ask you some questions... The sooner you answer the questions the sooner we can help you!
CompletelyCrystal wrote:I'm 22 years old and have been in the program since March 31st of 2008
That's a problem that many in AA experience. Not their age... or being 22!
They mix up the idea of "AA Sobriety" with being "in the program" or "on the program."
In the program and on the program is not much help for the real alcoholic. If you were only a "problem drinker" and not alcoholic... being "in the program" or "on the program" might have helped you more than it has.
Big Book, Page 58 wrote:Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to
be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you
have decided you want what we have and are willing to
go to any length to get it -then you are ready to take
In a general way you've descrived what you are
like... and what you've done... and what you are like now.... as a result of being in the program... and that's what I meant by being in
the program... is not helping you.DON'T LEAVE YET!!! Please read further!
Question #1: "When, where and how -- did you take -- the certain -- steps?"
The paragraph above refers to us telling in a general way what we used to be like (before taking certain steps) what happened (how we "took" the steps) and... what we are like now... (after taking those certain steps).
I'm not playing word games... please hang in here with me...
CompletelyCrystal wrote:There's one part of me that tells me I'm not an alcoholic and I can drink successfully, and then there's the other part of me that doesn't seem to pipe up about my past until after I've drank. Is that where picking up the 500 lb phone comes into play?
That's what an alcoholic mind does... it tells the alcoholic that they can drink successfully... this time!
And, the alcoholic mind tells the alcoholic... that they are not alcoholic.
Based upon what I wrote there, would you say that you do have an alcoholic mind ... or... you don't have an alcoholic mind?
Non alcoholics do not wonder if they can drink successfully. And, they don't wonder if they are alcoholic or not. If you ask some non-alcoholics... "Do you think you're an alcoholic"... most of them will look at you funny and say something like "well... I've never thought about it!"
You might consider whether or not "that part of you" and "the other part of you"... are both alcoholic! To me, it sounds, from what you describe... that it's a dual-diagnosis that both parts are alcoholic!
If you need or desire further clarification on it, I would suggest that you read Chapter 3, in the BB, "More about alcoholism" and take the test there on page 30.
CompletelyCrystal wrote:Like I feel like the I know the right choices, I know to talk to God every day and never stop going to meetings, to always call my sponser and to always practice these steps in my daily life. But what is blocking me from following through on it?? Was my fourth step not thorough enough? I'm not even sure what I'm missing that would 'cause' me to dive head first back into the madness again without hesitiation. I'm starting another fourth step and plan on doing my fifth step again with my sponser as soon as possible, but I'm not even sure what to write in my fourth step considering I thought I got everything in the first place...
You said, "I feel like I know"... and "I know"... "the right choices..."
Question 2: Are you taking constant actions on the right choices? Or, do you just think about it and feel about it... and then..."do it later?"
Big Book, page 59 wrote:Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:
Remember the ... "ready to take certain steps"? And, now the "steps we took"?
I suspect... that what's been going on for you... is like you described... "you've been in the program" and "you know the right choices" and you go to meetings and call your sponsor and practice the steps... but... you've never "took
" the Steps.
You've been practicing principles... without taking the Steps.
If you bake a cake, there are certain "steps to take"... you may know "the right recipie"... but if you put the eggs in after you bake the cake...and sprinkle the salt and baking powder on top of the icing... you can still call it a cake... but I doubt you'd want to eat it!
You're mentioning taking a 4th and 5th Step... when the First Step is the first problem and the first ingredient in the recipe for sobriety.
Also... the recipe for sobriety... that they are describing here in the book... the 12 Steps... is also the recipe for a transformation of mind... a transformation of "thought and attitude"... with a spiritual experience that takes place to do these things:
1. To remove your obsession to drink.
2. To clear out the stuff "inside you" that causes you returning to alcohol.
3. To remove the "alcoholic insanity" of drinking... and to produce in you the ability to maintain sound thinking. (Sanity. Saneness).
4. It will do this if...
a. you take the Steps in order "as they are desribed to take" in the BB. (Not the 12 & 12... not just a sponsors suggestions... not some other books or worksheets). Follow the instructions in the book.
b. you are willing to help other alcoholics. And,
c. (Very important)... if you continue to take actions to actually help... other alcoholics.
If you're not willing to do that... you better find a way to become willing to do that... meaning... taking the steps... AND... helping another alcoholic.... IF you want AA Sobriety and the Good Life while sober!
CompletelyCrystal wrote:How do you do it? I guess I just need some serious food for thought. I'm young and I'm niave. And my head seems to get the best of me most of the time. Where do I go from here?
My personal answer??? That's what I had to do and that's what I did. "I took the Steps".
It didn't do me any good to try to "practice the steps" or make the right choices... or take the right actions... until AFTER I took the 12 Steps.
"Taking the 12 Steps" prepares you and equips you to practice the 12 Steps.... AND it connects you to a real HIGHER POWER... that you need to be able to do this.
Practicing the steps... is like having a power saw... with no power going to it. It won't work for the cutting that a real alcoholic has to do!
Let me know if I can help. I'll be here for you... or someone else will be here for you. (In case I die or drink before you read this!)
Joking aside... It's not your youth Crystal, I know alcoholic women that got sober in AA when they were 12 years old! One of them is 35 years continuous sobriety! And, yes... they were "real alcoholic" and children. Age has nothing to do with alcoholism or recovery.
My last drink was November 14th, 1986. No drinks. No pills. No dope. No powder. No tokes!!! (At 2:45 pm, btw!)
Not only am I sober -- I'm happy and sober at the same time!
That's something else that "taking the 12 Steps" will do for you... it will equip you to "be happy and sober" at the same time!
Keep coming back!