How Do You Do It??

[CompletelyCrystal]

I'm 22 years old and have been in the program since March 31st of 2008. When I turned twenty-one, I was able to hold on to my sobriety, I assume for the fear of violating probation with a third drinking and driving offense. But when I was released from my jail sentence, I drank every weekend for the next month. When I stopped drinking again, I turned to the marijuana maintence program a few months later.

After having nine months without a drink and getting together three months of complete sobriety, I relepased with alcohol again a few weeks ago. Today will be 15 days again.

My sponser keeps telling me "Maybe you're not done yet. Maybe you want to see how deep you can dig yourself and much worse it can and will get."

I just think it's odd that I seem to have such a grip on the program when I'm sober, yet I drink again when I'm put into certain situations. My sponser keeps telling me to pray for the willingness to be willing, which I have been doing. But I don't know how to get rid of the idiotic thought that I'm not an alcoholic. I keep hearing myself think that I was just a kid and I was stupid at the time, but now that I've been sober for so long, it's obvious that I'm not an alcoholic. Is that the disease talking?! It's frustrating! There's one part of me that tells me I'm not an alcoholic and I can drink successfully, and then there's the other part of me that doesn't seem to pipe up about my past until after I've drank. Is that where picking up the 500 lb phone comes into play?

I guess I mostly feel ignorant for relapsing every few months through one substance or the other. Like I feel like the I know the right choices, I know to talk to God every day and never stop going to meetings, to always call my sponser and to always practice these steps in my daily life. But what is blocking me from following through on it?? Was my fourth step not thorough enough? I'm not even sure what I'm missing that would 'cause' me to dive head first back into the madness again without hesitiation. I'm starting another fourth step and plan on doing my fifth step again with my sponser as soon as possible, but I'm not even sure what to write in my fourth step considering I thought I got everything in the first place...

I'm confused and I'm irritated. I want to stay sober and I don't want to drink today. But what I'm really scared of is two and half months from now when that infamous three month mark comes around and I relapse again just like I have for the past year.

Maybe acknowledging that three month relapse mark will help me get through it? But what then?

How do you do it? I guess I just need some serious food for thought. I'm young and I'm niave. And my head seems to get the best of me most of the time. Where do I go from here?

[Dallas]

Hello CompletelyCrystal!!!

I was wondering why you hadn't logged-in and began to participate until now! Thanks for letting me know!

Welcome to the site and I'm glad you're here! You've taken the next right action... and introduced yourself and let us know what's going on with you that's preventing you from achieving and maintianing sobriety... in addition to what's blocking you from getting better.

I'm going to post a few of your comments, and then ask you some questions... The sooner you answer the questions the sooner we can help you!

I'm 22 years old and have been in the program since March 31st of 2008

That's a problem that many in AA experience. Not their age... or being 22! They mix up the idea of "AA Sobriety" with being "in the program" or "on the program."

In the program and on the program is not much help for the real alcoholic. If you were only a "problem drinker" and not alcoholic... being "in the program" or "on the program" might have helped you more than it has.

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to
be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you
have decided you want what we have and are willing to
go to any length to get it -then you are ready to take
certain steps.

In a general way you've descrived what you are like... and what you've done... and what you are like now.... as a result of being in the program... and that's what I meant by being in the program... is not helping you.

DON'T LEAVE YET!!! Please read further!

Question #1: "When, where and how -- did you take -- the certain -- steps?"

The paragraph above refers to us telling in a general way what we used to be like (before taking certain steps) what happened (how we "took" the steps) and... what we are like now... (after taking those certain steps).

I'm not playing word games... please hang in here with me...

There's one part of me that tells me I'm not an alcoholic and I can drink successfully, and then there's the other part of me that doesn't seem to pipe up about my past until after I've drank. Is that where picking up the 500 lb phone comes into play?

That's what an alcoholic mind does... it tells the alcoholic that they can drink successfully... this time! And, the alcoholic mind tells the alcoholic... that they are not alcoholic.

Based upon what I wrote there, would you say that you do have an alcoholic mind ... or... you don't have an alcoholic mind?

Non alcoholics do not wonder if they can drink successfully. And, they don't wonder if they are alcoholic or not. If you ask some non-alcoholics... "Do you think you're an alcoholic"... most of them will look at you funny and say something like "well... I've never thought about it!"

You might consider whether or not "that part of you" and "the other part of you"... are both alcoholic! To me, it sounds, from what you describe... that it's a dual-diagnosis that both parts are alcoholic!

If you need or desire further clarification on it, I would suggest that you read Chapter 3, in the BB, "More about alcoholism" and take the test there on page 30.

Like I feel like the I know the right choices, I know to talk to God every day and never stop going to meetings, to always call my sponser and to always practice these steps in my daily life. But what is blocking me from following through on it?? Was my fourth step not thorough enough? I'm not even sure what I'm missing that would 'cause' me to dive head first back into the madness again without hesitiation. I'm starting another fourth step and plan on doing my fifth step again with my sponser as soon as possible, but I'm not even sure what to write in my fourth step considering I thought I got everything in the first place...

You said, "I feel like I know"... and "I know"... "the right choices..."

Question 2: Are you taking constant actions on the right choices? Or, do you just think about it and feel about it... and then..."do it later?"

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

Remember the ... "ready to take certain steps"? And, now the "steps we took"?

I suspect... that what's been going on for you... is like you described... "you've been in the program" and "you know the right choices" and you go to meetings and call your sponsor and practice the steps... but... you've never "took" the Steps.

You've been practicing principles... without taking the Steps.

If you bake a cake, there are certain "steps to take"... you may know "the right recipie"... but if you put the eggs in after you bake the cake...and sprinkle the salt and baking powder on top of the icing... you can still call it a cake... but I doubt you'd want to eat it!

You're mentioning taking a 4th and 5th Step... when the First Step is the first problem and the first ingredient in the recipe for sobriety.

Also... the recipe for sobriety... that they are describing here in the book... the 12 Steps... is also the recipe for a transformation of mind... a transformation of "thought and attitude"... with a spiritual experience that takes place to do these things:

1. To remove your obsession to drink.

2. To clear out the stuff "inside you" that causes you returning to alcohol.

3. To remove the "alcoholic insanity" of drinking... and to produce in you the ability to maintain sound thinking. (Sanity. Saneness).

4. It will do this if...

a. you take the Steps in order "as they are desribed to take" in the BB. (Not the 12 & 12... not just a sponsors suggestions... not some other books or worksheets). Follow the instructions in the book.

b. you are willing to help other alcoholics. And,

c. (Very important)... if you continue to take actions to actually help... other alcoholics.

If you're not willing to do that... you better find a way to become willing to do that... meaning... taking the steps... AND... helping another alcoholic.... IF you want AA Sobriety and the Good Life while sober!

How do you do it? I guess I just need some serious food for thought. I'm young and I'm niave. And my head seems to get the best of me most of the time. Where do I go from here?

My personal answer??? That's what I had to do and that's what I did. "I took the Steps".

It didn't do me any good to try to "practice the steps" or make the right choices... or take the right actions... until AFTER I took the 12 Steps.

"Taking the 12 Steps" prepares you and equips you to practice the 12 Steps.... AND it connects you to a real HIGHER POWER... that you need to be able to do this.

Practicing the steps... is like having a power saw... with no power going to it. It won't work for the cutting that a real alcoholic has to do!

Let me know if I can help. I'll be here for you... or someone else will be here for you. (In case I die or drink before you read this!)

Joking aside... It's not your youth Crystal, I know alcoholic women that got sober in AA when they were 12 years old! One of them is 35 years continuous sobriety! And, yes... they were "real alcoholic" and children. Age has nothing to do with alcoholism or recovery.

My last drink was November 14th, 1986. No drinks. No pills. No dope. No powder. No tokes!!! (At 2:45 pm, btw!)

Not only am I sober -- I'm happy and sober at the same time!

That's something else that "taking the 12 Steps" will do for you... it will equip you to "be happy and sober" at the same time!

Keep coming back!

Dallas

[CompletelyCrystal]

After I posted that last night, I started reading the big book again and in the doctor's opinion, which I've never taken the time to highlight and go through before, it described my thinking... I wasn't shocked, but it was more confirmation than anything.

"There is the type who always believes that after being entirely free from alcohol for a period of time he can take a drink without danger."

It just hit me kinda hard. That's totally me. After I don't drink for three months, or even this past time with having nine, I thought everything was fine and that I must not be an alcoholic.

Oh, and you made me laugh too, when you said both sides of my thinking sounded alcoholic! Haha I thought to myself "Full Blown Alcoholic!" and I chuckled.

*sigh* I do feel better since last night. And your reply really helped me. Take the steps before I can try to live them. That makes a lot of sense...

I will definitely be here and back whenever I get the chance to get on a computer.
Thank you so much for all that information

[Dallas]

Oh, you need a computer???

We'll furnish you one!!!!

Some day............

Nice to see you back. I hope you don't stay away too long!

Dallas

[tim-one]

Crystal,

Let me make this clear. Sorry, I couldn't help it .. Crystal Clear ... I gotta stop doin that. .. Anyway .......

Bless your heart. You plight is not unsusual at all. Your sponsor asked you very good questions.

It is all too common to see people struggling with that "stinkin' thinkin'".

It's so common that, around here, they say, "Relapse is NOT one of the steps and is NOT a requirement of the program."

Yes, in my blithered head, my addiction has a voice. I even gave it a name and a face so I can hate the disease without hating myself. Self-hate kept me drinking.

Having been in rehab with many "youngns", I have a big heart for them. I started drinking alcoholically when I was a teen and I APPARENTLY stopped growing up. I remember my attitude like it was ... well it's TODAY.

I dunno if it's a hormone thing or what. But what I remember is that I was 10 feet tall and bullet proof. I was IMMUNE to becoming as stoopid as my parents. I was going to enjoy my youth and get responsible later. I was gonna live forever. Now I'm envious that "youth is wasted on the young".

Having raised teens through their 20s, I became convinced that it is their JOB on this planet to push the limits, dispute authority, criticize advice, and cause progress in the human experience through chaos.

I sure did MY job!

The thing is that this conflict has gone on forever as is well documented in ancient writings going back around 5000 years. And nothing human has changed.

I have a big heart for the young because they have such a wonderful opportunity to miss all the misery it took me to reach my bottom IF they pay attention to this AA thing and throw away the idea that they are somehow different and they have plenty of time to "not do what happen to that old sot".

To me, that's the youth deal ... "got time". Think old folks straightn up cuz they're running out of it.

SEE? I bet you're already bored with my old guy rambling I know I am. Like Charlie Brown ... "WAH WA_WAHH WAH WAAH".

My disease stopped listening when I typed "Crystal,".

Ok, I'll talk AA now.
____________

As Dallas said, if one even wonders about it, one might as well admit it.

And he's right ... youth has nuthin to do with it. Every one of us sitting in these chairs thought they were immune and could control drinking normally. The thing that separates some of us is how much PROOF it took to convince them.

My sponsor told me to read "More About Alcoholism" AGAIN replacing we, us, he, ... with I and me. Dam nasty thing to do to an alcoholic like me.

He told me to highlight every instance of words like control, tried, obsession, insanity, delusion, illusion, always and never, think, thought, intend, knowledge, think, thought, will (as in power). Did I say think and thought?

GOOD LORD! I'm one o'THEM!

He told me pay attention to the little AA sayings that sound too simple and blow by. It's this simple, Tim.

"It only works if you WORK it". (I t only works if you think about it?)

"One day at a time" (Can you hold your breath for a minute? Do it one minute at a time.)

"Move it the 18" " (The distance from your head to your heart ... unless you're real tall or short )

"If you're not satisfied with AA, we'll be glad to refund your misery." (I got nuthin to add to that.)

"That God could and would if He were sought." (Seek. HP will.)

Whole bunch of others. They're all much more poignant than they sound. Easy to remember in a flash ... as fast as a craving happens.

I took my wife to an open meeting early on. She's listening to all these stories of depravity and devastation. The whispered to me, "You're not like that." I whispered back, "Not yet, honey. That's where I was taking you." She started paying attention.

The BB says somewhere (anybody know where that is?) that nearly everyone has to hit rock bottom before they were desperate enough to admit they were powerless. We found that we had to raise their bottom.

Not being devastated by outward appearance, I was a total wreck inside. I raised my own bottom until IT hit ME. I didn't want to go to jail, run over a kid, beat my wife, ruin my business ... I knew that's what was coming and performed a "pre-emptive strike" on my azz. THIS TIME.

I an a 2-time winner at this. I'd been bottomed out before. I got too fine and forgot. This time, I could see it coming and DECIDED this was bottom enough. The bottom that was coming was MUCH lower than the one I hit last time.

Alcohol is only a symptom of this disease. The problem is I'm dam selfish and my alcoholic mind wants to kill me. Alcohol is it's weapon of choice.

TO ME AND PROBLY ME ALONE:

There is nothing in the steps about getting or staying sober. Alcohol is only mentioned once.

The entire program is about changing my mind, heart, and spirit. Period.
If my HP is willing to work me over and I'm willing to let Him do it, my mind, heart, and spirit will NOT DRINK! Again, that HUGE IF word. It's a biggy.

COURAGE, girl!

You got some WORK to do, I reckon. I see it work every day, and I'm amazed. I expect to see you come back here with glowing reports of your progress. Every little thing, y'hear?

Love,
Tim1

[tim-one]

Are you in rehab and have limited 'puter access? Just wondering.

Happened to me. I was SO ISOLATED!

[ccs]

Helloo Crystal ((((WELCOME)))))) to the forum its great to have you here please keep coming back a lot of great things have been siad already I just wanted to welcome you
sounds like you already know the answers to your questions and maybe just needed to get a second oppinion or 3rd or 4th or5th

I know it always helps me to hear somthing outloud or see it in black and white just remember step 1 is the only one we have to get perfect thats why its first

hope you will continue to come here and share with us

Cessie

[Candy]

CC u sound like me when i first tried sober in aa. listen & do the work. kcb! it works. xoxoxo Candy.

[JayWalker]

I read your profile. Are you the Candy that I met at the Las Vegas Round-up?

JayWalker
Chapter 3

[Danni]

Nice to have you here with us JayWalker.

KCB!

Danni