Girl I have been where you are, nasty ass place to be in my head all alone with just me for company.
I keep thoes "pharmaceutical cocktails" handy for most of my adult life, that is no way to live and damn sure no way to die.
I will make you a promise.....If you follow the progam as it is outlined in the Big Book, you will learn to love yourself and no longer want to find a way to stop feeling what your feeling. You will no longer want to get rid of the person you see when you look in the mirror, you will learn to love her and respect her. I did and I promise you will too. Takes a little work but you can do it.
hang in there, just take it one day at a time, and sometimes one hour or minute at at time.