help!!

[ecarter1117]

My name is Elliot and I am an addict I just recently got out of detox This is my second time through the rooms of aa and I feel like I know where I went wrong the first time. I stopped going to meetings. So Im out of detox and I really want to use? but I dont want to and I know talking about it really helps so I am talking I have plans to go to a mtg tm but its too late for one tonite so I found this awseome website and thought Id write about it I have no idea how this works n I hope im doing it right..... anyway yea I think im gonna stick around this time and hopefully make it through today because thats all I have to do right now!! but any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!!

[Dallas]

Hello Elliot, welcome to the site.

You're in the Sobriety Capital of the World! L.A. is where I got sober... on my second trip, also. That was on 11/14/1986... and, I too, figured out where I went wrong on my first trip in. I went to too many meetings....

Seriously. What I mean by that is: When I first came to AA, I saw two groups of people in recovery. The first group went to a lot of meetings and relied on the wonderful AA support found in meetings... and, they stayed sober. The second group mumbled something about the 12 Steps and God, and stuff like that... and, they stayed sober, also.

I wasn't about to have anything to do with God... already tried that routine before sobriety. And, for me... the 12 Steps were dumb. I had tried God, confession, restitution, and amends... before sobriety... and that landed me in a ton of trouble.

Then, I noticed... some people like me. They were way cool. They weren't just low-life alcoholics... they called themselves "alcoholic-addicts" ... and they went to a lot of meetings, too.

As different as I was and as cool as I was, I became one of the alcoholic-addicts... because it was important to me to let others know I was different... I was special. Different. Unique. I even tried out Narcotics Anonymous, figuring... "well I qualify for that, too" because I did a bunch of drugs... and I used drugs to control my drinking and my drinking to control my drugs...

Well. I landed in one of the first NA meetings ever started... and their were a bunch of thumpers in there that didn't like me. You see, I identified there as an "alcoholic-addict" and they slammed me with... "either you're a dope fien or not... did you slam heroin?" (They didn't sound too friendly). And, no... I didn't "slam heroin"... so they ran me out and told me to go back to AA that I wasn't a real addict.

Hmmm. Screw those guys! I'll just go back to AA, and still be the cool "alcoholic addict" and go to a bunch of those meetings.

I was coming up on six months sober... and was going to three meetings a day.... and about 12 hours after I left a huge meeting where I was the Lead person, and had got a lot of attention... I started drinking and didn't even realize that I was drinking. With each drink I would announce that "Hey, I'm a sober member of AA and I don't drink." (I just now realized... that "alcoholic-addict" wasn't important to me after I was drinking again." )

I drank for two weeks and then realized "hey... Hmmm. I'm not sober now! I better go back to AA and get sober again... but, I'm too special to admit that I was drinking... so, I'll try to hide it).

I tried, and tried and tried and tried and tried.... meeting after meeting after meeting after meeting... and couldn't get sober again.

That convinced me... that I didn't just have a drinking problem, even though I was a problem drinker and a hard drinker... I was a real alcoholic, and now that I couldn't get sober again... even with AA and a bunch of meetings... I was screwed.

I had a moment of clarity... and then realized, there was a THIRD group in AA... they were alcoholics that went to a lot of meetings... but, couldn't stay sober.... and couldn't stay sober either, no matter how many meetings they went to. And, that was the group that I was in.

Best regards, and keep coming back! Hopefully, you'll not be in the third group that I was in... and going to too many meetings was not your problem, or you might have to try the Steps and the God routine... like I had to do.

Maybe there is a fourth group... those that go to a lot of meetings, then stop going to meetings and then they end up drunk. I've noticed a bunch of them. I wish I could have fit in that group. Then, just going back to a lot of meetings and not stopping the meetings would have been all that I had to do.

Hang in there!

Dallas

[Ranman99]

Hey that was a great story. I got a kick out of it. I was of the category that would go to meetings and last some months and not do any work what so ever and then next thing I knew I could just as easily walk into a noon meeting and get drunk that night.

I suppose now I acutally can feel in my bones that I require minimum 4 to 5 meetings a week and I'll do a daily as long as one of my second priorities does not interfere with my schedule. I like going to meetings and I like being there for the other folks.

My sobriety currently is and has been for quite a few months my number one priority in my life because without it I don't have those other things

I had to work the steps to the best of my ability and even then I had to be lucky (or HP power) or what have you. This last trip in I made it past a hump that I have not done before knock on wood (I mean my noggin).

Yesterday a young girl 20 or 21 whom I have seen in the morning, noon and night AA meetings the last few months OD'd on smack (I think) and died.

I don't know the details but I can tell you one thing the last few times I saw her she still was not willing to listen and she still was at the centre of the universe. Well I'll pray for her family. I saw her and her dad at an Al Anon meeting two weeks ago. He looked pretty shattered and she looked pretty defiant. I got the feeling that she dragged him to that meeting though so not sure what was up but I wonder if her plan worked.

I like what my current sponsor says all the time. We get what we put into it.

For me it is not about the drugs and booze as I have not had any for some time. I still need to deal with the root of it all and live life on life's terms as we say. Generally I think I get it right about 90% of the time which is far better than the way it was.


Yee Ha. I'm not going to drink or use today.

[Ranman99]

Oh ya I just found out she OD'd in the hospital so someone either smuggled it in our she had a stash. Your not safe anywhere if you really wanna die I suppose. It's a shame really.

[ROBERT]

ecarter1117 welcome--Here,s what I have learned....When you want what we have and are willing to go to any lenght to get it THEN you are ready to take certain STEPS.....KEEP COMIN BACK

[Ranman99]

Agreed. I went to the wake last night and I was there for the folks like me that want what we have. Had a really good chat and hug with her sponsor.

She did not want what we have. Very unfortunate but some folks just don't realise that their plan for life won't work

She did step 1 last Friday with her sponsor and was dead on Sunday.

The shame of it is I could hear from folks that this young girl touched in her short months in the program and how they were affected by her long before she died. Perhaps if she only knew the positive impact she was having on peoples lives.

We can carry the message but we can't carry the little girl.