angeleyes13 wrote:But, how and when do the thoughts of alcohol go away? I mean do they last forever? I don't know that I am strong enough for that!
When I first came to AA... I had the exact same thoughts. I thought that I was supposed to have the thoughts -- and, that if the thoughts ever stopped -- this was the "insanity before the next first drink!"
I had been doing my work to take the 12 Steps... and one morning at 3 am, I discovered that I wasn't having thoughts about drinking! It scared the heck out of me, and for a change... I picked up the phone and called my sponsor.
You can imagine how pleased he and his wife were (not pleased)... that I was calling him at 3 am for a crisis! (When I was struggling to call him at any time)!
I explained to him that I wasn't thinking about drinking so I was sure that I was going to get drunk right then!!!
I remember him asking "Have you already taken a drink?" I said "No! That's why I'm calling! I want to stay sober but I'm not thinking about drinking so I must be going to drink and get drunk now!"
And, I remember him saying
"For Christ's sake you dummy that's what's supposed to happen! The obsession to drink has been removed from you! Now, as long as you don't have any booze in your apartment -- get your butt to sleep and call me in the morning!"
I thought I was supposed to be fighting my alcoholism forever and struggling each 24 hours to not drink!!!!
The longer the alcoholic waits to take the 12 Steps -- they are just punishing themselves with having to fight against drinking... until they lose the fight and return to drinking.
You can go to any "-A" that you want or no "-A" at all. Those choices and decisions only you can make. I will say, though, I hope you have plenty of time left for experimenting with whatever you want to do. If you are alcoholic -- alcoholism is fatal. As alcoholics, we don't have the luxury of getting sober and doing whatever we must do -- "when" we want to do it. We get an opportunity at sobriety on Life's time and not Our time. They are like brief windows of opportunity... the window opens... the window closes. If you don't crawl through the window while it's open... no amount of desire and "wanting to because we're ready" will do us any good. We die drunk. Period.
Believe me, I know this from my own experience. The first time I came to AA, I dragged my feet. I waited it out. I didn't do anything except read a little bit and go to meetings... until one day at 5 1/2 months sober... I was drinking again, and drank for a week without even realizing that I had already started drinking again. I was in Mexico, and each time I "ordered HER drink" I announced to the bartender or coctail waitress... "Oh, this isn't for me! I'm a sober member of AA! I don't drink!"... and often... I was drunk while I was saying it! Yet, the baffling part of my alcoholism was: at the time, I believed what I was saying!
Then, I tried over and over and over and over again... for nearly five months to go back to AA and get sober again... and I couldn't! I couldn't even go for an entire meeting without going out to my car to get a drink to hold me over until the meeting was finished. Most often, I'd have more than "a drink" to hold me over till the end of the meeting... and I would drink until I forgot all about meetings.
I wish you the best.
And, you are making progress... you haven't died yet... and that, my friend, is progress!
You keep coming back... and regardless if you're drinking or your sober... that's progress!
Now, the trick will be to make enough progress -- while the window of opportunity is open for you.... so that the window will stay open and you'll stay sober.
When I was new... I thought that when people like me, were telling me the things I'm sharing with you -- that they were just trying to scare me into staying sober!
The fact is: there is NO AMOUNT OF FEAR that will keep an alcoholic from their next first drink... forever.