Bob wrote:The only problem I'm having is my patience is thin instead of better...Mostly I hear from meetings that people are more understanding now that their sober.. more under control ect... I'm more the opposite in some ways...
That was precisely my experience, too. The longer I stayed sober, everyone else seemed to be getting better... except me. The first time I had come into AA I had some sort of "honeymoon" experience with not drinking. I felt better, performed better and life -- seemed -- to be getting better. However, my sobriety didn't last very long. Only about 5 1/2 months... and I was back at it.
Just before I started drinking again, I had been positive I could do it on my own, without help, and I resented other people trying to tell me what to do. What the heck did they know? They were just a bunch of pukes that were sober!
Things got really bad the next times I tried to get sober. I just couldn't do it. I came to believe in what I had heard about the progressive nature of alcoholism... that all the time I was sober, my alcoholism was working out with jumping jacks, push-ups, lifting weights, running... getting into shape to kick my ass again -- as soon as I took the first drink. And, if I didn't take the drink -- it would take one for me!
And, sober for me -- was worse than drinking. I just couldn't handle sobriety. It was kicking my butt. No honeymoon this time. It was hair pulling rage... huge pimples on my nerves... all somebody had to do was breath and it felt like someone was popping one of them!
Sobriety was right at the brink of taking me out for my next drink... and I knew beyond doubt, that the next time would be the pine box time. So, I made the decision that if my alcoholism was going to kill me -- it would kill me sober instead of kill me drinking. But, I could feel the alcoholism over powering even my decision to die sober! As far as it was concerned... I wasn't going to have a choice in the matter.
That's when I got a full dose of becoming convinced that I was alcoholic, and that what that meant was -- my alcoholism had more power than my will to not drink. Powerless.
I thank God, now... that sobriety got so painful for me. Had it remained like the first time I came to AA... even if I had been able to stay sober, I would have missed out on what I refer to as "the Real Deal."
"The Real Deal"... produces euphoric experiences... similar to what I experienced when drinking... except that I'm sober when I'm experiencing it. It's like a medication that chills me out, makes me at peace, and serene... removes those pimples on my nerves, and really makes me feel so good -- that I want to stay sober and want to keep doing what I do to keep "The Real Deal" going on.
The Real Deal... as I call it, comes about as a result of "taking the Steps
" instead of
"working on the Steps" or "learning the Steps" or "trying to practice the Steps."
And, had my life had not become so painful as a result of my sobriety.... I would NEVER have become willing enough to "launch into a course of vigorous action"... to get some relief! The relief came through taking