Hello Maryal, welcome to the site! Glad you found us because I believe that we can help.
Relapse is not a prerequisite for recovery: with that said...
I understand -- partially. My first time into AA, I stayed sober for 5 1/2 months and then went back to drinking. I didn't want to go back to drinking. I wanted to stay sober. And, I thought I was doing everything right so that I would stay sober. It was almost as if unconsciously -- a choice was made for me -- to return to drinking. That was my experience. And, it was this experience that started really convincing me of "what it means to be Powerless over the next first drink!"
For five months, while I was still drinking and couldn't plug the jug and not drink -- I went back to AA over and over and over and over again. I desparately wanted sobriety!!! I wanted to -- not drink! But, even with AA's help... I couldn't do it.
That is what finally convinced me -- that my problem is not alcohol -- my problem is alcohol-ism.
Our first step in recovery -- is to become convinced -- totally, that we are real alcoholics. And, our results in trying to recover will not last long -- if, we haven not totally convinced ourselves of this fact.
If you, like me, are a real alcoholic -- it does not matter how much you want sobriety and how much you want to not drink... you will drink again... over and over and over again... with not much hope to recover, unless you find a way to raise your bottom and convince yourself that you are a real alcoholic.
That's the first step. And, we must practice this First Step every single day of our lives... while we are doing the rest of the Steps... Even after the obsession to drink gets removed from us, as a result of the Step work -- we must still continually practice the First Step every day and every moment through out the day.... until it becomes engraved in our brain that -- yes, a drink might be good -- good enough to kill us because it's poison to us.
Keep coming back. There is help here and its available to you. It has been nearly 23 1/2 years since my last drink. So, if I don't have to drink -- then, you can do what I did -- and you will not ever have to drink again, either!