Hi. I'm new here. Writing this really hurts, but I don't know who else to turn to.. i feel completely alone and not wanting to live right now. It seems like dying would be better than living like this.
At 26-- I've already got 2 duis under my belt. an auto accident which injured a family and hit a school bus full of kids. I've been assaulted; lied, cheated, stolen, fought people, embarrassed myself to the point that I can't even go into half the bars I used to drink at. I have to change gas stations, liquor stores, so they don't see me as often and even with that they give you the "back again, already?" look. 2 weeks ago I fell and gashed my head open to the point of needing several stitches, went into shock...and was back drinking the next day...for someone with a high IQ i'd say i'm pretty damn stupid....I've been in and out of AA (mostly out) for 9 years now. I nearly had a year sobriety, but in all honesty, I never really worked the program... I need this to stop. I need to get to a meeting but thats difficult without a vehicle but need to find a way. If I worked half as hard at sobriety as I do trying to find a means to go get drunk perhaps things would start looking up. My heart is so heavy its weighing down like a brick across my chest... i'm afraid i'm going to hurt myself or someone else. I'm sorry for such a long ramble. I'm afraid if the drinking itself doesn't kill me I'm just going to take it upon my own hands and deep down inside i know i reallly, truly want to live... but not like this..