relapse

[cityboy]

i am 16 years sober i work a good program i have a home group, a sponser that i use daily,i make meetings at least 4 times a week, about 2 months ago i was walking home and on my staircase to my apt i found a joint. without hesitation i picked it up went upstairs and lit it up not thinking about my actions until after my second puff. by then i was definitely feeling an effect and then feeling totally scared and depressed. i haven't found a need to smoke again but i haven't told anyone because of fear . people trust me in many areas of my life today due to the fact that i am sober. people look to me for help.i am scared that if i tell them they will not trust or love me. i feel i need to get honest because i think about it all the time. it is constantly in my head. Part of me feels what is done is done, but i am afraid if i justify my actions there is a chance that if the situation arises i could do it again.

[Larry H.]

Cityboy

Your last sentence sums it up pretty well

"i am afraid if i justify my actions there is a chance that if the situation arises i could do it again."

Remember the 4 and 5 steps. Once we got our secrets out in the open our fears evaporated. If I was in your situation I would have to go and discuss it with my sponsor. I would not want to but I would have to because if I am keeping secrets from him I am on a slippery slope. I would be in jeoprody of saying to myself oh well I blew it, whats the use and I would be off to the races.

I can't and won't tell you what to do. You already know the right choice.
The only question is will you choose to do it?

Larry,
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The truth brings with it a great measure of absolution, always. ~R.D. Laing

[cityboy]

Larry:
i went to a meeting and i talked to my sponsor, you were right,i did know what to do. i feel i whole lot better. we decided to start my day count over in order to keep me humble. i think it was my ego more than anything else. and the fact that i really was scared that i let everyone down, what do you know i am just another drunk after all. they all still accepted me and told me to keep coming back. i feel good for being honest but i feel like i let myself down also. but if its one thing that i have learned is to get off the pity pot and get active and get out of my own way. hopefully this will help.

[Larry H.]

Cityboy,

Great to hear that you have choosen sobriety and that you are feeling better.

For me the program only works when I apply Rigorous Honesty to my actions.

An old saying iin AA that has helped me is "If you don't want to feel guilty then stop doing what makes you feel guilty" This makes sense to this old
alcoholic's brain.

Larry,
---------------
Though no-one can go back
and make a brand new start,
anyone can start from now
and make a brand new end.

~ Author Unknown ~