Another Relapse

[Bobby D]

Thanks Jools...
Honestly speaking I haven't worked the steps yet...even with 10 months sober really never get past step three.... still haven't made it back to a meeting but in week 2 without a drink... normal good feeling of being able to sleep through the night... but anxiety kicks in after work as I think about having JUST ONE .. to unwind after work... using alot of willpower right now until the feeling passes, generally after 1/2 hour or so... but I know that cant last.. will need to get back to the program..
My alcoholic brain, has me rationalizing everything.. I did great for nearly a year.. I desrved a little down time... you see for me it's still work ..I have to almost fight it every day.. shouldn't it become the norm rather than an effort... anyway the words of encouragment and advice here are great..BUT... I know the answer even before I read ( or hear it ) ... hard to explain.. but it's just words right now.. I know it. .i believe it.. just dont feel it deep in my soul...I know I over think everything..Like It's like I'm looking for that silver bullet...Lucky to have a home group that meetins EVERY DAY @ 7:00 AM so no real excuse for not going.. but .. busy at work.. going to the gym and other BS excuses keep jumping into my messed up head.... I feel confident I'll get back.. going back after a couple months is very uncomfortable.... kinda feels kinda like that first meeting....
Like you ...I start thinking that my situation is so unique .. and it's not... ARRRGGGG...hate the fact I have to start over

Bob

[~Jools~]

Hello again Bobby,

I'm HAPPY to start over, glad I have another chance at it. It was hard for me to take that long walk up to get a white chip, very humbling. I didn't want to but I did anyway. On the way back to my chair people were shaking my had telling me how happy they were to see me. That made it all worthwhile. When they asked if there were any newcomers I raised my hand so folks would know I need them.

I go to the 5:30 meeting every day after work because thats when I had my first drink of the day normally, not counting the one I had to have in the mornings to stop the shakes. It really helps me to go right after work,no stops at home to think about not going. Then I stop and get something to eat and it's almost bed time.

I just started reading 86-88 in the big book in the morning and in the evening. I read other parts of the bb too in the evening so I can just get out of my daggum head. If only I could reach up there and change the tape out and put in a happy, joyous free one. I know that those feelings are not going to come unless I work the steps. I'm crazy up there in my head and I can justify a homicide so I want to do what it takes to change my thinking.

I will be praying for you, Bobby. We don't have to suffer any longer. :)

Hugs to you
Julie

[lenny]

Welcome back bobby,it breaks my heart to hear about people who go back out.Do you have a sponsor? are you willing to go to any length?to stay sober.
The answers are in the B.B. look for somebody to work with you,on the steps.GO TO MEETINGS,FIND A HOME GROUP,AND GET ACTIVE IN THAT GROUP.W hen i hear about people who have come into the hall's and left,it make's me think that someone or somebody is not doing their job.hope all is well.In fellowship love len.