Honesty and Staying Sober

[Lizardking8610]

Hello,

First I would like to thank everyone for being a part of such a terrific website; your contributions and honesty have helped me greatly.

I wanted to share my story and have some people give me insight.

I got clean from alcohol in December of 2010 and stayed in the program until this summer. I quit alcohol and pot, of which, I am equally addicted to. I didn't touch a puff or drink for the first 90 days and strung together my longest stint of sobriety.

I went to meetings regularly but never worked the steps or changed my thinking. In fact I had more resentments then ever when I got into the program. After that 90 days or so I stopped going to meetings started hanging out with the same old friends and my fiance broke up and cheated on me. YAY!

So before my fiance broke up with me she began smoking marijuana again, as a last ditch effort, and more than likely just because I wanted to ### up, I smoked with her and her stepdad.

Since that day that I took one puff my program has been a mess...that was about 3 months ago and since then, although I have not been drinking I have been smoking.

I have a sponsor now who is AMAZING, a really good sponsor. All he can tell me is that I am Lying and that I must not be ready yet. I wont get honest with him about smoking pot and it is eating me alive. The funny thing is though, that I get the impression he knows full well and is waiting for me to tell.

[norohs]

"I went to meetings regularly but never worked the steps or changed my thinking."

You might be onto something there...


"I have a sponsor now who is AMAZING, a really good sponsor."

I've known lots of amazing people... not ONE of them could keep me sober.


"I wont get honest with him about smoking pot and it is eating me alive."

The balls in your court. When I started to released all my pains, lies and fears the healing began. The Steps did that for me. It was scarey for sure - the largest hurdle I had to clear. In hindsight, I made way too much of it. It only took some courage.

Courage: The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc.

[Dallas]

Welcome to the site. And, thanks for sharing.

I'm a little confused and not sure what kind of insight that you're looking for.

The primary focus of recovery is: sobriety. Being sober and living sober.

Sobriety, sober = total abstinence from ALL drinking and drugging.

I guess it's mentioning all the other stuff in the scenarios is what's confusing to me.

A sobriety date IS our sobriety date. Even if we came in to AA in 1939, and didn't drink or smoke pot until September 29, 2011 -- IF September 30, 2011 is the date of our last drink and drug 9/30/2011 is our sobriety date -- and EVERYTHING that we did BEFORE 9/20/2011 has nothing to do w/ anything in regards to sobriety and recovery.

If you're still smoking pot -- you're still not sober.

I hope you don't get mad at me for telling you. Your post subject is "Honesty and Staying Sober" and I can't be any more honest than that.

Believe me, I understand the predicament -- from my own personal experience. I came into AA on December 28th 1985. I stayed sober until May 28th. 1986. When I started drinking again on May 28th. 1986 -- I lost my December 28th, 1985 sobriety date.

After I started drinking again -- it didn't matter how many meetings that I went to -- I couldn't stay sober for a 1 1/2 hr meeting! When I was sober enough to get to the meeting -- I'd have to leave the meeting half way through, to go out to my car to take a nip -- to hold me over till the end of the meeting.

I was never very successful at "nipping" ... but I am very good at guzzling.

I wasn't able to get sober again, until November 14th, 1986, 2:47 pm, Pacific Standard Time. Over the last nine thousand and something days in a row... there were MANY TIMES that I needed a drink, wanted a drink, wanted to take some pills or smoke some pot. But, what I wanted MORE than that was: to keep my sobriety date.

You see -- I learned how important it is to have a sobriety date. And, that just because I have one -- doesn't mean I could get another one -- if I gave up the one I have. I HONESTLY do NOT think I could get sober again. That's not fear -- it's just pure, plain, simple, honesty that's based upon my track record.

If I missed the point of what the post was about, sorry. I tried.

Best wishes to you.

Dallas B.

[Dallas]

In my home group -- what we often say is: "Would you rather suffer a few days or months, or even a year of embarrassment -- than you would to suffer years -- or even a lifetime of guilt & humiliation -- if you don't get honest?"

I've seen guys who stood up to take a 10 year sober cake -- and suddenly break down, and not be able to take the cake, and admit they were smoking pot or drinking table wines all along.

I remember another guy -- that had 25 yrs sober. He took a cake in my Home Group. A few months later -- he was found hanging from a rope around his neck. We later learned, that... what he wasn't being honest about, literally "at him alive."

Those are not uncommon experiences. In large meetings in big cities, we see it often. And, MOST of us understand -- because we ALL had to fail to get here -- and MOST of us failed AFTER we got here!

You can join the crowed of the rest of us failures -- and be happy & sober, or... you can stay out there and SUFFER as a successful loner -- that's trying to hide a secret.

What ever you do -- keep coming back. We DO understand because we've been there, too. We didn't live as Saints and suddenly decide to top off our Halo with an AA chip!

[Lizardking8610]

Thank you for the honest comments. I really needed to hear that and I appreciate it. I DO NOT want to be the person accepting a chip while a lie consumes me from within; being conflicted constantly is tiring.

Coming to this board was a great wakeup call. I'm compounding my problems by continuing to use and at the same time lie. Not a great recipe for sobriety.

Today is going to be my first day of a new sobriety and I am looking forward to it. I will be sure to post my progress on here. Wish me luck!

R

[Dallas]

I appreciate your honesty and your sharing. You seem to be one of us -- so naturally we care about you and we hope you'll continue to keep coming back no matter what.

Dallas

[Toast]

Thanks Dallas, i like this, nothing to add just really, really liked this statement.

"Would you rather suffer a few days or months, or even a year of embarrassment -- than you would to suffer years -- or even a lifetime of guilt & humiliation -- if you don't get honest?"

[sunlight]

My neighbor wants to come to an AA meeting with me, but told me she still smokes pot.

I told her she's welcome to come, but that the group I go to would not consider her sober.
She pounced on me with fangs drawn and claws bared and yelled, "What about cigarettes" They're a drug! Bill Wilson smoked! Hah!"

What'dya think?

[Toast]

Its been my experience that honesty comes in degrees.

When i first came in i was so sick i thought honesty was ' not stealing' and everything else was OK. That was the best i could do back then. Now i know its anything that troubles my conscience, a kind of personal honesty:?

I ' honestly' feel the longer i'm sober the more sensitive i become. Anything thats just not right just doesnt sit well with me at all. Then again this is maybe my HP keeping me on the straight and narrow?

This can be anything from a lack of effort on my part to thinking smug thoughts because someone else screwed up big style. And if i'm due someone an apology it doesnt take me long to get round to doing it else i get this feeling inside that i've upset the balance of the heavens and all wont be well until i've done what i feel is right.

Although i have toughened up emotionally beyond all recognition i do feel the wrongs i commit a whole lot more than i did when i first came in.

Suppose thats me getting back what i give out, its been my experience that pain always returns to its source.

[Sermon]

Hey everybody,

The only sobriety that I know of is being absent from ALL Mind altering substances including chemicals, liquids, powders, plants, pills, and fungus.

I can relate so well when everyone speaks of being honest as not stealing. I was the same exact way when I first came into the fellowship.

Probably the first honest thing I had said in a long time was when I finally got the nerve to speak up in a meetings and say that I was an alcoholic. Even though I barely knew what that ment when I got here. It did sound alot better than saying I was just a bad crimminal who always got caught. (Which is what I was starting to consider before someone took the time to sit down and explain to me what was really wrong with them and I could relate to the T).

After the fog cleared alittle and I started to work the STEPS, I found alot of things that I had done in my past were my actions reacting on fear. Quite frankly I was scared to death of pretty much anyone or anything, and I would react in an outrage if I felt my comfort zone was being threatened. The reason I was so scared is because I didn't know myself when I walked in the rooms. I had always gone along with the crowd even if it went against my morals (what morals I had left) just to "feel" like I "FIT IN". Truth was, I didn't know what I liked; my favorite color, best friend, what I wanted to be..... I was just plain confused with pretty much everything when I got to AA.

Today, as a result of the steps, I'm founding out so much about myself. Just because everyone else thinks that it's a good or bad idea doesn't mean that it is. It's thier own preception and feelings that they have attatched to the situation. I had to find out what worked for Me. Little by little my comfort zone gets expanded because I'm get a better understanding about who I am and not who they want me to be. By finding out who I am I can now get honest with myself. Being able to do that is a huge step for someone that couldn't tell you what HE enjoyed on his own pizza when he got to the rooms!

Thank you everyone who makes this wesite possible!