Many times I've asked myself, "Why did I ever take that first drink? My very first one?"
I've had lists that were so long -- I needed to write it into a notebook!
Yet, with all that writing -- I could have condensed it all down to one word: Me!
I took my very first drink because of: Me.
I was thinking about Me. And, when I think too much about me -- I tend to get into trouble. I start getting uncomfortable. My world begins to change on the inside -- and then it soon changes on the outside -- and I get uncomfortable,, and start looking for something on the outside -- to change how I feel on the inside.
What I find ironic is -- that what I was looking for on the outside -- was what I had to find on the inside. What I was looking for -- I was looking with. Yet, I couldn't see that -- because I was blinded by my thoughts, because I was thinking about me.
Sounds like some kind of weird riddle that I'd only hear in a nut house. I know.
But, maybe -- that's what a Paradox does. It sounds weird. It looks weird. It's so simple that it's difficult to understand.
If I went and told the normal lady at the dry cleaner's -- "My problems originate from me thinking about me!" She'd probably feel like dialing 911, as she tried to explain to me that it's a good and healthy thing for me to think about me.
What the normal lady doesn't understand is: When I start thinking about me -- I can't seem to do it in a normal and healthy way.
It's kind of like drinking. I can't drink just one, normal, healthy drink.
I wish I could!
But, I can't! I can't stop at one. The one leads to the next one, which leads to the next, and pretty soon -- it's not me that's drinking -- it's the drink that's drinking! And, I lose all control and can't stop until the drink has stopped. The obsession and physical craving kicks in.
Thinking about me -- works the same way. I start thinking about me, and the next thing I do, is think a little bit more about me, then more, and more, and more -- and after a little time it's not me thinking about me -- it's the thinking that's thinking about me. The obsession and the craving kicks in. And, then, I discover that I was thinking -- about me.
Thinking about me can take me all the places that booze took me. All the way to black-out thinking! Then, waking up later with a hangover from thinking about me.
The only known remedy that I've found is -- to take some actions that will turn my thinking away from me -- to get me thinking about something other than me. And, when I accomplish that -- I begin to experience a sense of ease and comfort again.
Used to, I could take the physical action of pouring myself a drink -- and it would change what I was feeling. I didn't even have to have the drink in my mouth for it to change. I could have an unopened bottle in my hands -- and immediately, without even taking a sip -- I could feel that sense of ease and comfort starting to set in.
But, I became alcoholic, so... now, I can't drink. And, even though I could try to protect myself from drinking -- I couldn't do it -- and can't do it -- if my thinking returns to me.
When I reach the place of "Self-Obsessed" -- it's though I'm mentally intoxicated. Like I'm inside some kind of hypnotic trance. And, I begin to follow unhealthy suggestions -- and directions -- that have been stored deep into my subconscious mind.
My subconscious mind is more powerful than my conscious mind. That's why I'll reach a place pretty rapidly of "I can't tell the difference from the true and the false." Thoughts -- that seem to be coming from "no where" will be coming from "some where" -- and that "some where" is a part of me -- that, if I allow it to, will over power my conscious, logical, and rational thinking. And, my thinking -- will be out of control.
This is WHY I need s simple "program of actions" -- a "tool-kit" that I can use to fix the problem with my thinking and to keep my thinking under control. The tool-kit is my coping kit. My coping tools.
I didn't have this tool kit, when I took my first drink. So, I had no other option than to drink. Now, I have the tool-kit, and that gives me an option. I can either use the tool-kit or, I drink again, because I'll start thinking again -- and my thinking will get out of control.
The tool-kit, is like having a steering wheel on my mind. By having a steering wheel on my mind -- I can direct it to where I want to go, instead of where I don't want it to go.
If I remove the steering wheel (by not using the tool-kit) pretty soon, I'll simply be going wherever my thinking is taking me.