- Why I took my first drivk ever?

Why I took my first drivk ever?




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

Why I took my first drivk ever?

Postby Dallas » Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:07 pm

Many times I've asked myself, "Why did I ever take that first drink? My very first one?"

I've had lists that were so long -- I needed to write it into a notebook! :lol:

Yet, with all that writing -- I could have condensed it all down to one word: Me!

I took my very first drink because of: Me.

I was thinking about Me. And, when I think too much about me -- I tend to get into trouble. I start getting uncomfortable. My world begins to change on the inside -- and then it soon changes on the outside -- and I get uncomfortable,, and start looking for something on the outside -- to change how I feel on the inside.

What I find ironic is -- that what I was looking for on the outside -- was what I had to find on the inside. What I was looking for -- I was looking with. Yet, I couldn't see that -- because I was blinded by my thoughts, because I was thinking about me.

Sounds like some kind of weird riddle that I'd only hear in a nut house. I know. :lol: But, maybe -- that's what a Paradox does. It sounds weird. It looks weird. It's so simple that it's difficult to understand.

If I went and told the normal lady at the dry cleaner's -- "My problems originate from me thinking about me!" She'd probably feel like dialing 911, as she tried to explain to me that it's a good and healthy thing for me to think about me.

What the normal lady doesn't understand is: When I start thinking about me -- I can't seem to do it in a normal and healthy way.

It's kind of like drinking. I can't drink just one, normal, healthy drink. :lol: I wish I could! :lol: :lol: But, I can't! I can't stop at one. The one leads to the next one, which leads to the next, and pretty soon -- it's not me that's drinking -- it's the drink that's drinking! And, I lose all control and can't stop until the drink has stopped. The obsession and physical craving kicks in.

Thinking about me -- works the same way. I start thinking about me, and the next thing I do, is think a little bit more about me, then more, and more, and more -- and after a little time it's not me thinking about me -- it's the thinking that's thinking about me. The obsession and the craving kicks in. And, then, I discover that I was thinking -- about me.

Thinking about me can take me all the places that booze took me. All the way to black-out thinking! Then, waking up later with a hangover from thinking about me.

The only known remedy that I've found is -- to take some actions that will turn my thinking away from me -- to get me thinking about something other than me. And, when I accomplish that -- I begin to experience a sense of ease and comfort again.

Used to, I could take the physical action of pouring myself a drink -- and it would change what I was feeling. I didn't even have to have the drink in my mouth for it to change. I could have an unopened bottle in my hands -- and immediately, without even taking a sip -- I could feel that sense of ease and comfort starting to set in.

But, I became alcoholic, so... now, I can't drink. And, even though I could try to protect myself from drinking -- I couldn't do it -- and can't do it -- if my thinking returns to me.

When I reach the place of "Self-Obsessed" -- it's though I'm mentally intoxicated. Like I'm inside some kind of hypnotic trance. And, I begin to follow unhealthy suggestions -- and directions -- that have been stored deep into my subconscious mind.

My subconscious mind is more powerful than my conscious mind. That's why I'll reach a place pretty rapidly of "I can't tell the difference from the true and the false." Thoughts -- that seem to be coming from "no where" will be coming from "some where" -- and that "some where" is a part of me -- that, if I allow it to, will over power my conscious, logical, and rational thinking. And, my thinking -- will be out of control.

This is WHY I need s simple "program of actions" -- a "tool-kit" that I can use to fix the problem with my thinking and to keep my thinking under control. The tool-kit is my coping kit. My coping tools.

I didn't have this tool kit, when I took my first drink. So, I had no other option than to drink. Now, I have the tool-kit, and that gives me an option. I can either use the tool-kit or, I drink again, because I'll start thinking again -- and my thinking will get out of control.

The tool-kit, is like having a steering wheel on my mind. By having a steering wheel on my mind -- I can direct it to where I want to go, instead of where I don't want it to go.

If I remove the steering wheel (by not using the tool-kit) pretty soon, I'll simply be going wherever my thinking is taking me.

Dallas B.
Dallas
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Postby dimples12562 » Tue Feb 28, 2012 2:59 pm

This really sums up what I have been going through since 12/2008 until 12/2011. THREE years!! Inside my own head, following my own direction and listening to my own thoughts about what I should be doing...

Scary scary place!! Today, with the aid of the BB, a Spons and other Sisters (and brothers) in recovery as well as service work I am able to stay out of my head and into the solution of my recovery....
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Postby dimples12562 » Tue Feb 28, 2012 3:00 pm

almost forgot my HP 8) Thy will NOT mine!!
dimples12562
 
Posts: 120
Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:16 pm
Location: Baltimore, MD

Postby Dallas » Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:57 pm

One of the fastest ways I've discovered to direct my thoughts off of me is to try and find someone that needs help and offer to help them. Once I'm thinking about them and what I can do to be of help to them -- I'm no longer thinking about me, and immediately I start feeling better.
Dallas
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Posts: 4781
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 9:05 pm
Location: Fort Smith, Arkansas USA


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