For me, as a college student, I always thought it was normal and acceptable to consume copious amounts of alcohol. But my peers could have nights where they didn't drink and still have fun
. I couldn't fathom that idea!!! So I'd sneak in a few nips (haha, "a few"-I still kid myself!) before we went out, and maybe a few more in the bathroom or somewhere secluded just so I could be "myself".
On the outside I looked like everyone else, I looked like I was having the time of my life! But on the inside, I yearned to be everything the alcohol gave me. By the end of my drinking days, I was still chasing that damn delusion that it will be fun this
time. Don't get me wrong, I thought I was having fun while I drank, but in reality I was so lonely. I could be in a room of 50 people drinking and feel like the only person in that room.
But with all that said, what solidified my position on whether I was an alcoholic or just a heavy/problem drinker?
When I consciously realized that I couldn't stop for good, for any reason, and that my delusion would still point me to the contrary. When I realized that alcohol wasn't my problem, it was my solution.
I then realized I was an alcoholic.
Sure, I went a few spouts of not drinking, I went a month there--3 months over there---but the bottom line was, I'd always end up with the damn drink in my hand again!
I was depressed and I didn't know why! Doctors, therapists, etc, over and over again. What the heck was my problem? No one could figure it out! I thought it was my parents, so I moved out of my house to a "safer" more "emotionally stable" house. Haha, I can only laugh at the depths I went to fix my "issues" and not blame the bottle in my hand. I could have had everything going right for me in the world or could have had everything going wrong for me in this world, and the drink was still there.
I hope that my story has helped you and not confused you further, because the bottom line is only you
No one could have told me I was or wasn't, it just sort of fell into my lap one day. The pieces all fell into place. Mind you, this was after I got into the doors of AA, read the Big Book and heard some speakers that I could very much identify with.
An important thing you must consider is this: Do not compare. Identify!
I walked in and the first thing I said to myself was, "I'm not an alcoholic, I haven't been to jail yet! I'm not an alcoholic, I haven't gotten a DUI! I've still got some drinkin' in me! I'm too young for this!!!"
We can identify with things people say but to compare your experiences with others will get you no where. There are no qualifications for AA, you need not worry if you haven't hit the bottom that another had hit!
For me, the pain is what lead me to AA. It wasn't the same pain as the person sitting next to me, but it was enough pain for me, thank you very much.
And above all else, always remember, if you want to quit and cannot, whether it be in the immediate future or sometime down the road, you know there is a solution and it begins as soon as you step into the rooms of AA.
Welcome, and I hope you find what you are looking for.