- i'm back after a long relapse

i'm back after a long relapse




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

i'm back after a long relapse

Postby catsup » Tue Feb 06, 2007 8:16 pm

i once quit drinking for about 15 yrs through A.A. i'm back now, on my second day of not drinking, after an 11 yr long binge. i do not believe there is a God this time, so i expect sobriety will be harder to maintain. my liver functions are off and my doc told me to not drink. i cannot imagine a life without booze, but i will try to take it a day at a time. i live in a rural area and am afraid that everyone will know if i attend A.A. meetings. maybe i am not willing enough yet. we'll see. but today i am not picking up a drink; this i am sure of. anyone out there who had long term sobriety and then blew it? thanks for listening. catsup
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Postby Dallas » Tue Feb 06, 2007 8:40 pm

Hello catsup! Welcome to the forum!

My heart and thoughts go out to you.

I don't know if I'll be much help to you, but you sure are a whole bunch of help to me, for just being here and sharing your experience!

I was just starting to reply to a message in another part of this forum in regards to struggling to continue participating in A.A., when I happened to read your message. And, your experience confirms for me, all the reasons why I keep coming back, and why I continue doing the things that I need to be doing... even when it's a struggle to do them!

I know what it was like to have short-term sobriety and how hard it was on me to get sober after I had started drinking again. I honestly don't think I could survive another "getting sober" phase of recovery!

Your head and your body will be giving you some real bad advice... and if you listen to it... you'll be doomed. I know that, from my own experience, and from the experiences of many other alcoholics.

I hope, for your benefit, that you'll let go of any reason or idea... that would prevent you from getting the help that you're going to need to get.

It doesn't matter what someone else may think. I would rather live sober and be seen in A.A. meetings... and have someone talk about that... rather than having them stand around my casket, talking about how they wished I would have gotten the help that I needed! :wink:

Best regards to you, and keep coming back!

Dallas
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Postby catsup » Wed Feb 07, 2007 12:55 am

thank you, Dallas, for the wonderful reply!

i left my support system behind when i moved to Maine. i found myself having the delusion that i could drink a beer or two and not escalate from there. i was so wrong. watch out for the delusional thinking! stay involved with a sobriety support system. alcoholism is insanity all right, and i became insane, even after 15 yrs of sobriety. as soon as i picked up a drink the denial kicked in and i was off and running.

i am not drinking today. this is day 2. it has been pretty easy so far, but i know there will be days that challenge my resolve. i'm glad i found this site.

i am pleased to hear that my slip has helped you. onward! catsup
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Postby anniemac » Wed Feb 07, 2007 1:25 am

Hi Catsup, welcome back to AA!

I don't have personal experience to share with you, but I'd like to offer my support to you in your journey to rebuild a sober life.

I live in a fairly small town and at first I avoided meetings in my home town, then I realized that those who saw me there would be there because they are also alcoholics.

Just this past weekend I was at a meeting, not even in my town, and in walked the father of my daughter's best friend. He was still shaking and baking, and I was concerned that he would bolt when he saw me. However, he was still so foggy that he didn't even recognize me, and when I approached him afterwards to (re)introduce myself, he was grateful to know somebody.

I do have concerns on my daugther's behalf -- I wouldn't relish if all the PTA moms and their kids found out that I am in Program. However, my recovery is more important to me than their gossip, and I hold my head high as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. There's no shame in having a disease, especially since I am treating it.

Glad you're here. By the way, I recently asked my husband if we could move to any other state in the US, which state would he pick, and he picked Maine. He went to college there and loves the Coast up your way.
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Postby catsup » Wed Feb 07, 2007 1:49 am

thanks for the welcome, Anniemac.

well, i must tell you that the downeast Maine is darned cold these days. temps down to -3. but otherwise, it is the most beautiful place. i highly recommend it. but don't move to southern Maine. it's another world down there.

i really appreciate the support of you reply (and Dallas' too). i need all the help i can get. i am going to be stubborn about attending meetings here. i don't know if i have a lesson to learn or not on this.

:)catsup
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Postby catsup » Wed Feb 07, 2007 9:02 pm

ok it's day 3 at 3pm and i am craving a drink. it would be very easy to pick it up as my partner has booze in the house. maybe i will need to ask her to get rid of it. i think she has stopped drinking too. i'll have to ask.

so, rather than get a drink i am posting here. my recent pattern of drinking has been to start between 3pm and 5pm. i go to bed around nine usually. i would have 3 to 4 strong drinks of gin in that time. there is no gin in the house, but there beer, rum, etc. time for the serenity prayer!!! i need some courage. :( catsup
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Postby anniemac » Wed Feb 07, 2007 9:43 pm

Hey Catsup, so good to see you posting instead of drinking!

One thing that really helped me through cravings was the "move a muscle change a thought" concept ~ get those endorphins pumping and distract myself at the same time. I know it's cold out there, going jogging may not be high on your wish-list right now, but I used to do sit-ups or scrub the bathtub. Anything to use up that negative energy.

Also, of course, there's the One Second at a Time thing ~ just keep delaying that drink.

My husband had alcohol in the house while I was getting sober; actually there still is alcohol in the house. I know it can be easier to pick up if it's right there, but I also know that if I wanted it I would have gotten it even if it wasn't in the house; and if I didn't want it, it wouldn't have mattered if it was right in front of me.

Keep on keeping on,
Anne
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Postby Dallas » Thu Feb 08, 2007 12:08 am

Hey Catsup! We're here hanging in there with you! Those are some great suggestions from Anniemac! I wish she was around with all those suggestions when I was first getting sober! It sure would have been a lot of help to me.

Another thing that you might want to try... is picking up the phone and talking to someone in A.A. in your area -- or, maybe heading out to an A.A. meeting. (I don't remember if you were one who mentioned that you lived in a small rural area or not).

Something that helped me when I was newly sober, and still helps me today, is listening to A.A. speaker tapes and CDs. When I'm in situations where I'm alone... I can always pop a CD or tape in the player -- and it's just like a mini-meeting with me and the speaker! It's amazing how many times -- that listening to speaker tapes I seem to hear something that seems to be just for me!

Anyway -- Catsup -- Hang in there! We're all here rooting for you and we want you to make it! We can use your help -- to help someone else -- who may also be struggling!

I'm also sure... that many people are reading your messages here ... and even though they may not post something to let us know -- they're rooting for you also!

Dallas
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Postby catsup » Thu Feb 08, 2007 1:12 am

wow thanks for two supportive replies.

i managed to get through that rough spot without picking up. thank you so much.

yes, i remember those A.A. tapes. father martin really impressed me back then, and there were some powerful speakers and comedians. i will search the web and see what i can find.

the last time i quit drinking i was a lot younger and thinner. i did work out in the yard a lot. when i was really upset/craving, i take a pick axe and dig a hole! i guess this winter i can get on my treadmill. i am hoping that cutting out the alcohol will cause some weight loss.

my partner has quit too, and just didn't notice. but i must not tie my sobriety to whether she drinks or not.

thanks again, you two. :) catsup
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Postby catsup » Fri Feb 09, 2007 1:54 am

the first two days were a breeze. this is day 4 and the desire to drink was upon me again. this is no fun!!! i did listen to a super A.A. speaker audio. articulate, funny, and very wise. i guess i will download another one tomorrow.

we saw our couples therapist this evening. she has been hoping we would quit drinking. fortunately she is also very knowledgeable about substance abuse and A.A. i was telling her about how i feel repelled by the god part, and that i had, on a whim, looked up "pagans in Alcoholics Anonymous" on the web. we both had a good laugh at that. not only did i come up with these search words, they led me to an essay written by a Wiccan about how he addressed the god issue in his recovery from alcoholism through A.A! lol leave it to me. i am not a Wiccan, but i feel more like a pagan than anything. the essay did help me get past some of the words and phrases that i found uncomfortable.

that's enough babbling for today. catsup
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