Hello catsup! Welcome to the forum!
My heart and thoughts go out to you.
I don't know if I'll be much help to you, but you sure are a whole bunch of help to me, for just being here and sharing your experience!
I was just starting to reply to a message in another part of this forum in regards to struggling to continue participating in A.A., when I happened to read your message. And, your experience confirms for me, all the reasons why I keep coming back, and why I continue doing the things that I need to be doing... even when it's a struggle to do them!
I know what it was like to have short-term sobriety and how hard it was on me to get sober after I had started drinking again. I honestly don't think I could survive another "getting sober" phase of recovery!
Your head and your body will be giving you some real bad advice... and if you listen to it... you'll be doomed. I know that, from my own experience, and from the experiences of many other alcoholics.
I hope, for your benefit, that you'll let go of any reason or idea... that would prevent you from getting the help that you're going to need to get.
It doesn't matter what someone else may think. I would rather live sober and be seen in A.A. meetings... and have someone talk about that... rather than having them stand around my casket, talking about how they wished I would have gotten the help that I needed!
Best regards to you, and keep coming back!