A Horror Story-Back at a Huge Price

[Powerless Dee]

Hello, all. I am new to this forum...have been seeking a good forum all day. I have been involved with AA since 1982. At one point I celebrated three years. So, on and off for years I went. Until this past year, until last week when I found myself in the psychiatric ward in handcuffs that I had no idea how they got there. On a suicide watch. The scene was so surreal, it is still difficult for me to call the incident "real." My drinking was worse than any I had ever done and more than I had ever done every day.

I was married for 13 years to a man who, due to several major surgeries and failing health, took an early retirement. He had always terribly mismanaged money (while I was at work and he was home all day to do it.) When he received his pension, he promised me that $25,000 would stay in an account...until one day when he broke the news to me that we were bankrupt. Not only bankrupt, but he had not paid the IRS $11,000! My paycheck is being garnished in a huge amount.

Shortly after revealing this, he had a massive coronary and no oxygen for 30 minutes. He was severely brain damaged with a failing heart. He was hospitalized for 3 months. Within 9 months he ended up in a nursing home when he went into end-stage heart failure. He died three weeks ago. His social security check will no longer be coming to me because I am not 62 years old. I have a house I may not be able to keep. Due to bankruptcy, may not be able to rent an apt or get another job. I am so angry at him, so resentful of him, but know that I cannot harbor these feeling without hurting my sobriety. This was not my fault! I have four days sobriety, go to meetings every day and am actively looking for a sponsor. I know from my past experience that a sponsor is essential, not like before when I was afraid of being "controlled."

Thank you

[anniemac]

Hi Dee ~

I am so glad that you are here and back in AA. I'm so sorry for your loss and your troubles; I know they may seem insurmountable right now.

I can't say what the future will hold for you, but I can say with confidence that you have a much better shot of facing it all if you remain sober. Miracles happen in sobriety and insurmountable issues somehow get resolved.

Keep your head where your feet are, keep going to meetings, and grab a sponsor sooner instead of later. And feel free to keep on talking here; we'll be listening.

Hugs,
Anne

[Powerless Dee]

Hi, Anne,

At the very first meeting of this wonderful group I happened upon, there was a woman there with 10 years sobriety. I got the greatest feeling from her and decided that I was going to ask her to be my sponsor at the next meeting. At the next meeting (Wed), she was not there. Somebody said that she had moved to Waco. I felt so disappointed, because I had left a message on her home number and got no return call. Yesterday (Thurs), she was not there, but it seemed that everybody was talking about her being their sponsor. They confirmed that she was moving to Waco. Tonight, she was there. She opened the meeting with the greatest/worst topic, "Responsibility." After the meeting I went to her and asked her if she was moving to Waco. She looked at me like I was from Mars. There is another woman with the same name, who did move to Waco. I asked her if she would consider being my sponsor and she said yes, that she would be honored. Whooooo-hooooooo!!!! I am so excited. This time I want to do it right!

[Dallas]

Hey Powerless Dee!!! Welcome to the forums! Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that sharing it has helped you... as much as it helped me! Thank you!

Keep coming back!

Dallas

[anniemac]

Awesome news on the sponsor, Dee!

Gotta run, see you all later....

[garden variety]

I hope that sharing it has helped you... as much as it helped me! Thank you!

Hi Dee,

I'm right there with Dallas. You helped me too - thank you.

One thing I can say is that there is no problem too big for a God of your understanding. Right now you got one job and that is to find that Higher Power and ask for help each day to stay sober. I can identify with your money troubles. I had some serious medical problems that almost killed me too which included a stroke. Hard circumstances are a part of our lives at times and many of us here know all about the things you're going through. None of us can make it through them without a Higher Power and this fellowship.

I can tell you from my own experience that drinking to calm down your attitude will not make any of those things that are happening to you get any better. There is only one way to get through this life if you're an alcoholic and that is through the 12 steps of AA. This will give you a "design for living that really works" especially when circumstances get tough. Give "the program" all you got inside of you. It will take some time, but that will work a lot better than picking up a drink, or watching as your life falls apart right underneath you.

Get into action and work those steps!

[Powerless Dee]

Hi, Everybody,

Thank you so much! I have been reading through the past forum topics on the Steps...I am at Step 3. Step 2 was a pretty difficult one for me to accept, so I was "sent back" by my sponsor to do it again, read the chapter again, think about it some more, write out how alcohol has affected my life. Amazing, the second time, two days later was an absolute turn around. With my listing, there was no way I could say that my life was not unmanageable, and since I couldn't restore myself to sanity, then who could? Something really clicked and changed on that second time around. I think I was so full of (lingering) anger and resentments (who ME???) that I couldn't see. In fact, the first time I read "We Agnostics," I got nothing out of it...nada, was not one bit taken by any of it. The second time, the whole chapter had highlighting on it. I related so much to so much of it, it was unbelievable.

Now, tonight, we are going to get into a small group after the meeting and have a little "ceremony" for Step 3 with my sponsor for the three of us who are at this point. This was a tough one for me, too, but I feel that this Power Greater Than Myself has already done some things that I could not do.

I am supposed to be starting my 4th Step, but so far, I have not been able to even get one thing down. I know she is going to ask me tonight if I've started.

Really love this forum!

Powerless Dee

[Dallas]

Thanks for sharing Dee!!!

I wish you the best. And, we like having you here in the forum with us, too!!!

Interesting comments about Step Three.

I've been reflecting on Step Three for the past week, because tonight in our Steps meeting -- I'll be talking about Step 3. The meeting format starts at Step One, and we do one Step each week until we wind up on Step Twelve -- and then, we start all over again with Step One.

Each time that we do a Step, I like to try and discover a different way or a different angle to present the information so that it keeps the meeting lively and fresh with new ideas.

I particularly enjoy reading from Bill's Story about how Bill was taking his steps -- even before he had written them down. He refers to his experience with what was to become our 3rd Step, on page 13, of Bill's Story (Chapter 1, in the Big Book).

By following the chronology of his actions on pages 13 & 14-15, it illustrates him taking each of the 12 Steps.

Of particular interest to myself, are the sentences at the bottom of page 14, and the top of page 15,

"For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his ...
spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he
could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that."

What did he mean by "if he did not work?"

I believe the answer to that is on page 75, Into Action --

"We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to
have a spiritual experience." -- Beliefs are something that we do with our head. Actions are things that we do with our hands and our feet.

Actions produce experiences (like when we're sharing our "experience" strength and hope)... actions based upon spiritual principles... produce spiritual experiences. And, the spiritual experiences transforms our mind, brings healing, relieves us of our obsession, restores us to sanity, changes our personality... and allows us to experience life on a Higher plane than the physical, mental and emotional realms.

In Step 1, we became aware of our condition -- drinking or sober.

In Step 2, we became willing to believe in something -- a Power greater than ourselves.

In Step 3, we're making a decision -- to follow a certain course of "actions" (Steps 4-9) that will:
a. establish a conscious contact with God, as we understand Him
b. relieve us of our obsession to drink.
c. restore us to a state of sanity -- where, in Step 10, it indicates that "We have entered the world of the spirit" and that we begin to react "sanely and normally" --- and that the whole deal has happened automatically, as a result of taking the certain course of actions!
d. In Steps 10, 11 & 12 we "continue the work."

What a deal!!!!

Enjoy your experience tonight! And, enjoy the work!!!

Dallas

[anniemac]

LOL - Dee, it took me far more than two readings of "We Agnostics" for any of it to penetrate! It took about 3 years for any of it to make sense! I'm happy for you that you were able to grasp it in much less time than I did.

I like the idea of a Step 3 ceremony - ceremonies are centering and bring focus and intention to the task at hand.

Sounds like you are well on your way to a new way of living.