- Anger, Vent, Don't Know if it Belongs Here

Anger, Vent, Don't Know if it Belongs Here




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

Anger, Vent, Don't Know if it Belongs Here

Postby Powerless Dee » Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:25 pm

I'm sorry. I just have to vent. My anger level is ready to hit mercury. I mean I'm trying to stay sober, but right now, I'm thinking I could use a stiff drink or two or three.

Well, this is something that I've spoken to my sponsor about, but no solution has come up. I don't know what else I have to do to stop this situation at work. One of the doctors that I work with is driving me absolutely nuts. As though I'm not depressed enough, every day I have to walk into work and get zapped by the same thing. This has been going on since my husband died on May 21. I just can't take this anymore. I wake up not wanting to go to work because I know the first thing that I'll be hit with.

He has been pushing me to paint my house, rearrange the furniture, make it "my place," as opposed to the house I shared with husband. Okay, well and good., but my house is very small and there is not too much rearranging that I can do. Painting? Yeah, by myself, sure I can move heavy furniture alone. Every day, I walk into "Well, how much painting did you get done last night?" Monday, "Well, how much painting did you get done over the weekend?" Whenever somebody talks to me, he cuts in going, "she can't do that...she has a house to paint." Every day, many times a day this happens. He thinks its funny...great, since when is somebody's misery and heartache such a funny episode of life.

I have told him that I no longer want to hear this from him ... to no avail, he keeps it up.

I have told him that if he is so concerned about my house being painted, than he needs to come over and help me ... to no avail.

This morning I told him that I had far too much going on in my life to worry about the house being painted ... to no avail. Then he asked if things were getting better, but I was so annoyed at this point that I told him things will never get better, that life will never improve and please stop pushing me about the painting. I'm sure it will be forgotten tomorrow and I'll be zapped again by him.

I mean, come on, try losing two precious dogs, a beloved cat and a husband all within a 16 month period and let's see how well you are adjusting! My emotions are shot. My depression just gets worse every day. This is not helping me, it only makes me feel worse. I haven't even had a chance to grieve for all the losses that have taken place and this guy is worried about my freaking house being painted.

I'm up to here with it. No wonder alcohol is so appealing...I don't have to think about it once I get home and on the weekends when I "should be painting."
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jul 10, 2007 2:52 pm

Hey Powerless Dee.

What did your sponsor suggest to do about it?

If I had a boss that was making it difficult to do my job -- and I couldn't do anything about the boss -- I can always do something about the job -- or, I can do something about myself -- to remove the disturbance.

Drinking doesn't make anything get better -- it always makes it worse.

When I got sober -- I was convinced that I'm alcoholic. Since I'm alcoholic - drinking is no longer an option for me. The fact is - for an alcoholic - a drink can be fatal. Fact is - drinking isn't going to fix the boss. Drinking isn't going to fix the job. Drinking is not going to help with the losses that I've experienced. Drinking isn't going to make anything better -- it only makes it worse. That's Step One.

I made a decision -- that nothing was more important than my sobriety.

For me -- sobriety is everything -- or it is nothing. My sobriety is more important than jobs, relationships, money, friends, strangers, my house, my career, my business, and more important than anything else at all.

What is your sobriety worth to you?

Dallas
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Postby Powerless Dee » Tue Jul 10, 2007 3:01 pm

Sobriety is very important, but so are my emotions and losses. How to deal with those? I know that I really cannot talk about such things in meetings, because it doesn't fit, but I am trying to deal with these things and it is very difficult doing this alone right now. It's well and good to do the fourth step and the fifth, which we are working on, but what about the grieving and emotional losses? Where does that fit in? Because I can't find it.
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:19 pm

[quote="Page 28, There is a Solution - Alcoholics Anonymous
"]Here was the terrible dilemma in which our friend found
himself when he had the extraordinary experience, which
as we have already told you, made him a free man.

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, “a design for livingâ€
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Postby rockingchair » Tue Jul 10, 2007 7:56 pm

Well - I have to add my two cents in here too. Dee - thank you for venting - the first step of any recovery is recognizing the problem. Get it out there! Share it! Write it down! All of this helps. I hear you loud and clear! I'd be angry too!!

Your doctor/boss man is pushing you to solve your grief problem in a way that HE thinks would work. Maybe that way worked for him when he had a grief experience - maybe he read about it or heard of somebody that doing these outside things (rearranging the furniture, repainting the house) worked for. Who knows? He is right to be concerned about you - but his solution is short-sighted and shallow in my experience.

I have been grieving the loss of my husband for two years now - and believe me, you cannot "push the river." You have to take your own time and find your own path through it. Grief is very personal. No one else can do it for you. What worked for one person does not necessarily work for another. No one can dictate to you have to get through this.

Others can make well-meaning suggestions - and like in AA - "take what you want and leave the rest." Use what works for you and let go of the rest.

Re. your doctor - you've told him how you feel. You've told him in as nice a way as possible - thank you very much, but no thanks. So, you don't really need to say anything more to him.

This is just a suggestion: whenever he brings up the "paint the house/move the furniture around" topic, clam up. Don't respond to him or switch the subject. Walk away if possible. Go to the rest room or to a patient's room if doing so is feasible. Physically turn away from him. In the Big Book, it says "we stopped fighting anything or anybody." Try it. Don't give him the satisfaction of a response.

Re. other groups or counseling. You can give it a try if you want. I went to some Hospice groups as well as to a Hospice counselor for a while. I don't know if any of that will help you. Personally, I found that all my answers were in AA. I went to lots and lots of AA meetings - sometimes 2 or 3 a day. I just sat and listened. I, too, thought of drinking. It ain't easy as they say. But, one day at a time, the plug stayed in the jug - in spite of myself and all the good-intentioned people that were pushing my buttons.

If I remember right, you are pretty new in your sobriety - so, don't try to figure anything out for now. Just zip the lip at work, go to a meeting everyday and pray to your higher power even if you don't feel like it.

That's enough from me in the rockingchair.
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Postby garden variety » Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:49 pm

After reading this over again, there's one thing we all left out, Dee.

Bill Wilson did this when he was at about the same point you were. Some 18 months being depressed and looking like there was no way out other than to drink.

On Page 15, Bill says this: "It was fortunate, for my old business associates remained skeptical for a year and a half, during which I found little work. I was not too well at the time and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going."

Now if that was signed "sincerely, Powerless Dee", you could interchange the writers with your original post here.

So one more suggestion is to go out (launch into action) and help another alcoholic that has less time than you. There are others that come in each day, the book says "a stream of misery", that are having a rough time like you Dee, or worse. So not to make your problems seem smaller then they are, but I really don't think it would hurt you at all to help another alcoholic that is newer than you in the fellowship.

It worked for Bill, and I bet you your 6-month chip it will work for you in the same way.
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Postby Powerless Dee » Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:27 pm

Hello, everybody, Sorry I did not get back. It's been a busy day at work. I will go home and read all the responses. Annie, please don't feel bad for suggesting counseling. Right now, I just can't afford it, mainly due to the bankruptcy and husband's death, which resulted in a monthly loss of close to $2,000. There is employee counseling here an EAP. I have 5 more sessions with them if I choose to.

I have to go...I'll continue later.
Dee
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jul 10, 2007 11:36 pm

Rockingchair, thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope!

Of all the people that I am aware of -- if I were going through the loss of a spouse (I think I may have mentioned this before) -- you would be at the top of my list to turn to for help. There is nothing like going to someone who has already walked through a difficult time such as this -- and, they stayed sober through it. They share experience, strength and hope, and can offer some valuable advice, suggestions and directions on -- "how it really worked."

Paul, thank you, for sharing from the Big Book. We are so fortunate that our founders and the A.A. Pioneers blazed a path for us to follow -- and left us an instruction manual showing how we could follow them. Thank you for knowing where to go to in the book to share with us.

And, God -- thank you!!!! Thank you for A.A. Thank you for the Fellowship of the Spirit, thank you for the Big Book, and thank you, that we have each other to help each other!!!! Thank you for your Love, and Mercy, and Patience, and Guidance, and all of your help that you give to each of us. And, thank you for my sobriety, too!!!!

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Postby Powerless Dee » Wed Jul 11, 2007 1:26 am

Thank you to everybody. To second what Dallas said, Rockingchair, thank you so very much. I wished you lived where I do. How did you do it and get through it? Just got back from a meeting, there were only 6 of us there (sometimes that's good and sometimes that's bad) and the topic was surrender and self-will. Lately, these past five or so days, I haven't known what these terms really mean...surrender to a higher power, which obviously is at the center of my angst. Self-will? Inability to turn one's will and life over to the care of God?

How long did it take all of you to "get into" the program and develop such trust? Did any of you distrust God? I am working on the 4th step, but somebody mentioned after I shared, that I was actually back at step 2. "Came to believe that a Power Greater Than Ourselves Could Restore Us to Sanity." I actually believe I am once again at the gates of Step 3 "Were willing to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." In my inventory, I've got about 5 pages of anger toward God, seething anger. I think this is what has halted me. Somebody here (Annie?) mentioned that they were Pagan. I have always leaned towards Paganism, but felt afraid when I joined AA, to see the Goddess as God. I am rambling and I'm sorry for that. I just wish that I had the strength and trust and willingness that you all have.

I hope this will pass, because honestly, it is quite miserable. In the meeting, I shared that I lived alone and was lonely most of the time, but that I was actually scared of people, even people in AA and that I tended to build walls around myself to alienate me from the rest. Does anybody relate to this? If so, how did you get out?

This has been edited by me to add something that happened last night. It is probably me being sensitive, but tell me what you think, as you all have time and experience that I do not. I met my sponsor at a different meeting last night. She invited somebody else from the home group. After the meeting, we sat for a while and they started talking about a date that my sponsor had. Everytime I tried to get involved in the conversation, they seemed to speak in *codes* and it was very irritating, the eye contact, what they weren't saying. It made me very uncomfortable. It is not like the two of them were going out, that's not it. It's just that they have known each other for a long time and I am a newcomer...last night I felt like an intruder.
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Postby garden variety » Wed Jul 11, 2007 2:58 am

Powerless Dee wrote:How long did it take all of you to "get into" the program and develop such trust? Did any of you distrust God?

I tended to build walls around myself to alienate me from the rest. Does anybody relate to this? If so, how did you get out?

It made me very uncomfortable. It is not like the two of them were going out, that's not it. It's just that they have known each other for a long time and I am a newcomer...last night I felt like an intruder.


Hi Dee!

Part 1. The only time that counts is TODAY the time you are awake. Hear these words again: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU FEEL. Feelings will distract you. Just "Make a decision" and "Launch into action" then you will have the trust enough to get through the day. ABANDON your feelings because your feelings are making this way too complicated. And don't tell me you can't abandon your feelings either because that would be a lie - you did it every time you got drunk.

Part 2. Yes its very common to build walls. I wanted to go on a rampage and spew bullets everywhere. I hated people and did not want to be around them. The book says that real alcoholiics are "disgustingly and even dangerously anti-social". That's a common thing to all of us.

Part 3. My sponsor gave me this advice and I'll pass it on: "Don't sweat the little things."

Hope this helps and I really do sympathize with you. You are not alone.

Here's a edit thing - Buy the way, Dee, you might hear me quote and talk about the "Christian" religion, I have great respect for it and I've learned some great lessons from it, but the spirituality that is mine is what people would call Pagan - its not what I call it (or any of my relations) but folks seem to need things to classify and compare themselves to. Don't worry about "Goddess" or the female Diety. Even devout Catholics call the "Holy Spirit" a She. AA is not a religion, and all of us have to keep an open mind about the Higher Power and everyone's different "concept".
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