Anger, Vent, Don't Know if it Belongs Here

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober
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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2007 12:22 pm

Postby DebbieV » Mon Jul 23, 2007 1:28 am

I wasn't going to write this in the forum because it felt like an outside issue, but I realize today that it is directly related to my drinking. I also learned that almost ever thing I think about is directly related to me having a drink ( if I don't use my tools I have been taught in AA) So my sponsor "suggested" ( that is another way of saying " just do it" and I thank God for my sponsor's ability to talk to me the way I need to hear. ) that I post this on the forum, what a novel idea, go to people with experience strength and hope. So here I go:

Last week I was told for the forth time that I had to have a bi-lateral mastectomy. The first three times I went and got drunk and blew it off. I cant go drink or blow this off, One, it does me no good to do either because both ways can kill me. Two, because of the program I do have a little happiness, joyousness and freedom today and I don't want to loose that anymore than I want to loose my life. For anyone who knows or can imagine, going thought this surgery ( and I have to stop smoking before they will do the surgery) at a month and 1/2 is scary as hell. I think it would be at 20 years, but It is scary as hell for many reasons for me 1. pain pills, I like them a little too much. 2. loosing a very big part of me 3. new in sobriety, and the number 4, I use to be, or still am, I don't know how to word that yet, a cutter, I use to go get drunk for a reason of your choice and come home and cut my wrist, not to die but to cut, never went too deep, just a typical cutter, I don't do that anymore and I want it to stay that way, but any signs of a cut or a scar sends my mind into a bar, or a issue sends my mind into a bar and then I cut, when I decided that I was going to have the surgery all I could think about was the scars after they were done doing all the cutting and it freaked me out bad. I did a " mini 4th step" on this last week and I was feeling real good until today when I got on the computer to see what I need to ask the plastic surgeon tomorrow, then my alcoholic brain kicked in and I had to go to sights with pictures, and I was off and running, full blown panic attach hit, never had one before and for those who do I'm truly sorry for you, they are not fun at all. I called my sponsor ready to hear all the AA things like, let it go God will handle it or did you pray about it or read the big book and see what it says, but what I head was "of course your scared and having a panic attack, this is a scary thing", followed by a lot of talking and even more listing. Sooo what I'm wondering is if anyone can relate to the fears I have with being this new, loosing my brest, and seeing the scars. Need all the help I can get on this one.

I wrote this and posted it in a different forum today, then tonight I was reading what everyone wrote in this one. Because of what Dee started out with saying led to so much of what I needed to hear (some of it I didnt want to hear, that may fall under that "yeah but" category that I so hate to admit :oops: ) I still have some fears going on, I do have a different outlook on them now though, I see that I need to get my happy butt back into the book and the steps, for me step 3, I also need to let myself feel the fear, is'nt that what I should be doing? learning how to live sober? To me that means learning how to feel emotions that I use to drown. You guys brought up so many good points that I will have to read this forum 2 or 3 times and God bless everyone of you, hearts on your sleave or not, what God is and who, outside issues or not. All of it was what I needed tonight. I hope not a single one of you feel hurt, misunderstood, alone, on a pitty pot, or just plane stupid, because I got alot out of every word from everyone of you. Once again God bless you all. Life is hard for newcomers and I assume oldtimesrs as well, but it sure is nice to come sit in my room and read on this site and know that I'm not alone, we all have issues and the help always seems to be there when we are willing to look.
Thank you so much for letting me share and for what you guys share.

garden variety
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Postby garden variety » Tue Jul 24, 2007 10:11 am

Hi Deb,

Yup a scary ordeal lies ahead for you.

My thoughts - Ask God as you understand Him to give the courage to walk through each day. Also, its not a requirement to live ahead of life. You have only today to live, and you only have to make it through today without drinking. If your surgery and reconstruction and rehabilitation is not today, abandon it completely. Your only job is to "report for life" and to make the step 3 decision. If you do that, I guarantee the outcome will be better than if you run today's show on "self-propulsion".

Trust me, I know that is not an easy suggestion to follow for you especially now, but do it anyways, even if it means making the 3rd step decision each moment. I have been close to death more than once in sobriety, and I've had surgery, and I've had to take pain pills. You want the 3rd step to be a habit so that you can "consent" to a Higher Power automatically or "intuitively". This is the great freedom you get with step three. You will get through this.

Did I mention that step 3 is an important step for you to practice every day?

About the pills, abandon the thought today if you're not taking them. About the cutting (my daughter is a cutter - she uses the 12 steps by the way), if you don't have the scar today, abandon the thought today. Those tomorrows will come, and you'll deal with them then. You can get through this without overdosing on your meds or without cutting yourself. How? When the time comes, the same solution: Step 3.

I have a dear friend with 30 years of sobriety who had the same operation you're having plus chemo for several months afterwards. I called her and talked to her throughout her surgery and recovery. She had the audacity to tell me "God is Good" each time we talked. Today she is fully recovered. I led a meeting several months ago, and she just showed up - didn't know I was leading. The comment she gave to the group and me made me cry. I wasn't expecting it. She has 30 years which is about 3 times more than me, and she told everyone that I helped her when she needed it most.

Deb, if you trust in God as you understand Him, you will get all the help you need exactly when you need it. All you have to do is follow instructions and get yourself out of the way (more AA practice). I told Gloria before she went into surgery, do EXACTLY what the doctors tell you, EVERYTHING, and don't take it upon yourself to skip medicine or treatments no matter how painful. She has 30 years of sobriety and she listened to me, and she gave me her word that she would. She had 20 years sobriety while I was still drinking, yet she listened to me. The same operation, the same loss of a breast. And I don't know squat about breast surgery! But I will tell you the same thing and hope you listen, too (its in bold).

Your fear probably won't go away. But the solution lies in your Higher Power giving you the courage to "walk through hell" but not stopping to visit ("picking up" again). Courage means the strength to walk straight through the middle of fear. That only comes from a Power Greater than all of us - and it will come if you ask.

Don't forget this: ONE DAY AT A TIME. You will make it.

God bless,

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Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2007 12:22 pm

Postby DebbieV » Wed Jul 25, 2007 12:09 am

Thanks so much Paul, I'm trying hard to do as you say and my sponsor says "right now" and it works one sec and gone the next, I need and am trying to get into the habit of the 3rd step, I feel like such a child right now at times, I have the " I DONT WANT TO" thing creep up, and I am working on them also, and they are getting better. Old thinking comes back and they just don't work fast enough for me sometimes, it's my time not Gods time isnt it? :oops:
Thanks for your ES&H it means a lot.

Posts: 213
Joined: Thu Jun 21, 2007 12:22 pm

Postby DebbieV » Sat Aug 04, 2007 1:37 am

Hey All,

You know one of the many great things about AA, is it is a program of progress. I look back over the things I wrote last week and last month and think man that is a whinny thing to say, but at the time I wrote it, that's how I was feeling. We all have our good days and our not so good days, I know I do, but I'm sure glad I am having them sober. :D
I just finished going through the steps and I cant even begin to explain how it felt (when I try I start to cry and I would fry the keyboard) I do know that I read in the BB that "All men of faith have courage. They trust their God" Man is that a powerful statement or what? Does fear still pop up, sure it does but I say a little something like this now 'God, please remove my fear of ________( fill in the blank ) and direct my attention towards what you would have me to be." and for the most part that works for me, it depends on how honest I go to Him in my opinion. Sometime for my own sick reasons I want to keep the fear for just a little while longer, then when I really get it going, and I have thought about it just long enough to drive myself insane, I will say the prayer. but like I said PROGRESS, and I hope I make a little everyday for the rest of my life.
If anyone is stuck in the middle of steps 3 and 4 because they are afraid of 4, I can give you MY ES&H on the matter, whatever the reason I was afraid of 4, I know now that taking the step took away 10 times the amount of fear that I had about doing it. The beauty of that also is now I have a nice little tool to use when fear comes up that I didn't have before step 4, the little Prayer I mentioned earlier.
God is a pretty cool dude in my opinion, who else would have given complicated drunks such easy instructions, just so we could complicate them?
In the words of my sponsor 'stop thinking and do it'.

Site Admin
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Postby Dallas » Sat Aug 04, 2007 2:22 am

Congrats on taking Our Steps, Deb!!!

Your message was inspiring. Too bad people will have to sort through the squirrels and raccoons to find it! :lol: :lol:

But, that's how things are in the Big Book, too! They're hidden!

Who would have ever thought, that the entire definition of recovery would be on page 59 & 60?


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