I wasn't going to write this in the forum because it felt like an outside issue, but I realize today that it is directly related to my drinking. I also learned that almost ever thing I think about is directly related to me having a drink ( if I don't use my tools I have been taught in AA) So my sponsor "suggested" ( that is another way of saying " just do it" and I thank God for my sponsor's ability to talk to me the way I need to hear. ) that I post this on the forum, what a novel idea, go to people with experience strength and hope. So here I go:
Last week I was told for the forth time that I had to have a bi-lateral mastectomy. The first three times I went and got drunk and blew it off. I cant go drink or blow this off, One, it does me no good to do either because both ways can kill me. Two, because of the program I do have a little happiness, joyousness and freedom today and I don't want to loose that anymore than I want to loose my life. For anyone who knows or can imagine, going thought this surgery ( and I have to stop smoking before they will do the surgery) at a month and 1/2 is scary as hell. I think it would be at 20 years, but It is scary as hell for many reasons for me 1. pain pills, I like them a little too much. 2. loosing a very big part of me 3. new in sobriety, and the number 4, I use to be, or still am, I don't know how to word that yet, a cutter, I use to go get drunk for a reason of your choice and come home and cut my wrist, not to die but to cut, never went too deep, just a typical cutter, I don't do that anymore and I want it to stay that way, but any signs of a cut or a scar sends my mind into a bar, or a issue sends my mind into a bar and then I cut, when I decided that I was going to have the surgery all I could think about was the scars after they were done doing all the cutting and it freaked me out bad. I did a " mini 4th step" on this last week and I was feeling real good until today when I got on the computer to see what I need to ask the plastic surgeon tomorrow, then my alcoholic brain kicked in and I had to go to sights with pictures, and I was off and running, full blown panic attach hit, never had one before and for those who do I'm truly sorry for you, they are not fun at all. I called my sponsor ready to hear all the AA things like, let it go God will handle it or did you pray about it or read the big book and see what it says, but what I head was "of course your scared and having a panic attack, this is a scary thing", followed by a lot of talking and even more listing. Sooo what I'm wondering is if anyone can relate to the fears I have with being this new, loosing my brest, and seeing the scars. Need all the help I can get on this one.
I wrote this and posted it in a different forum today, then tonight I was reading what everyone wrote in this one. Because of what Dee started out with saying led to so much of what I needed to hear (some of it I didnt want to hear, that may fall under that "yeah but" category that I so hate to admit ) I still have some fears going on, I do have a different outlook on them now though, I see that I need to get my happy butt back into the book and the steps, for me step 3, I also need to let myself feel the fear, is'nt that what I should be doing? learning how to live sober? To me that means learning how to feel emotions that I use to drown. You guys brought up so many good points that I will have to read this forum 2 or 3 times and God bless everyone of you, hearts on your sleave or not, what God is and who, outside issues or not. All of it was what I needed tonight. I hope not a single one of you feel hurt, misunderstood, alone, on a pitty pot, or just plane stupid, because I got alot out of every word from everyone of you. Once again God bless you all. Life is hard for newcomers and I assume oldtimesrs as well, but it sure is nice to come sit in my room and read on this site and know that I'm not alone, we all have issues and the help always seems to be there when we are willing to look.
Thank you so much for letting me share and for what you guys share.