- Anger, Vent, Don't Know if it Belongs Here

Anger, Vent, Don't Know if it Belongs Here

Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

Postby Powerless Dee » Thu Jul 12, 2007 2:32 am

I am so sorry. I never wanted to create any dissention for anybody with my *stuff* (for lack of a better word).

I had three hours today, free, because I had to proctor an exam for one of the professors. I took the big book with me and read "Working with Others" (amazing chapter) and then read about 6 of the stories. All the stories stressed what I needed to be hearing...24 Hours-not a lifetime-just 24 hours at a time, which is what you all have been saying. Also, the concept of God...a personal understanding of God, not the "biblical" one who is often pushed down your throat, also what all of you have been saying. Last night I refused to listen to my sponsor because I was so full of anger and resentment. Tonight after the meeting, we sat for two hours just talking. It was great.

What it all boiled down to is that what I thought was impossible are 12 steps that today, seemed not so impossible, but very helpful and actually simple...if I choose to work them. My life has been fueled by anger and resentment since I was 6 years old...I realized today that that anger and resentment had become my way of life! I killed it by drinking. It was what was comfortable, poisonous as it may be, and I don't want that anymore. It's exhausting.

I want the peace and serenity that members of AA have. I want to be rid of resentments and anger. I really do want what the program offers, but I realize (AGAIN), that it is really up to me.

I am rambling again...the meeting tonight was great...my sponsor chaired it and the topic was Anger and Resentment, I'm sure she did that for me. There were only 7 of us, but it was one of the best meetings we've had.

PS: I have no idea how to email anybody here, as the profiles aren't available, but would love to know how.
Powerless Dee
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Postby garden variety » Thu Jul 12, 2007 3:40 am

Oh yes. We all care for one another. Sometimes our underwear gets tied in a knot, but thats why we talk. Your topic has been a real good one for me...it just reminds me that its easy to give into those wild emotions. When I talk or post, half the time its to remind me that I need the program.

And I don't think any of us forget how oversensitive each one of us can be at times. Its just part of that peculiar mental twist.

So...and watch out for those "Yeah buts". :twisted: They are pretty close to those "round tuits".:wink:

God bless all.
garden variety
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Postby Powerless Dee » Thu Jul 12, 2007 11:34 am

ha ha ha, Dallas, just give me time and I'm sure a topic will pop up! Yes, I've gotten the feeling that the posters here are very close. That's one of the reasons that attracted me to it. There are many AA boards out there, but not so much with the *feel* of this one!
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Postby carol1017 » Thu Jul 12, 2007 4:15 pm

Paul, all I can say is AMEN!!

You have touched a nerve on the topic of the dilution of AA -- I think I'll start another thread, so we don't keep hijacking Dee's!
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Postby anniemac » Thu Jul 12, 2007 5:21 pm

Dee ~ please! no apologies as you did nothing wrong!

I'm glad to hear that reading the BB and talking with your sponsor was helpful to you. That's the beauty of breaking things down in to just today ~~ what may seem impossible one day can become possible the next. I like to visualize parentheses around my day, to remind me that it is a day unto itself and nothing from the prior day needs to spill over in to it.

To Private Message someone, you can find them on the Member List (there's a link for Memberlist up above, in light blue, under where it says Step12.com. Once you find them, if they are set up to receive a P.M. there will be a P.M. icon to the left of their name that you can click on.
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Postby garden variety » Thu Jul 12, 2007 7:37 pm

Hi Annie,

I don't know how to say it simply, but for me becoming an alcoholic was kind a backwards process. The longer I work a program, the more I see how bad I really was, instead of how bad I thought I was.

I was a lot like you at first. I didn't think I was a drowning man. Never mind the fact that my entire life had fallen to pieces and I lost everything that had any value. I was used to having nothing, and that became "normal" to me. I was used to being a big-time critic of everything and everybody, and that was normal. I had a sour attitude, and I wasn't even convinced for the first two years that I was an alcoholic. I always argued the fact either with myself or others.

I had deep resentments, especially about being an alcoholic. I became "resigned" to the idea that I would be depressed all of my life, that I could never drink, and I would never be happy so what was the use of trying. But there was something about the meetings that kept me coming back - I think I knew at a deeper level I belonged, but I didn't have the willingness to make the best of it. If you would have asked me how I could share my ES&H anytime during those first 5 years, I would have laughed or told you to go to hell.

So I did "half-measures". I worked a program "half-assed" and not putting in any enthusiasm or determination even though I did that with drinking. I got lazy and complacent - then I got into my own "things" that kept me occupied - mainly my gun hobby. My life was like Dallas described: I was a loser and kept on losing things, especially financial things. I was no fun to be around but I didn't care. The only thing I could say was that "at least I didn't take that first drink". I was resigned to a life of "under achievement". This was "normal" to me. What I didn't know is that an alcohlic cannot "under achieve" sobriety and not drink.

One Saturday night in the hot of summer, "suddenly the thought crossed my mind", and I found myself wrestling with my car's steering wheel to keep from turning into a saloon. I said whoa - then I went to a meeting. I thought man that was a close call.

But before long, I got the compulsion back. I wanted a beer so bad I could taste it and my mouth was watering. By then my car was gone, my insurance was gone, my power was off, I was getting stopped by the police even as a passenger when somebody else drove. In my heart, it felt like death was looming around every corner. I knew I was going to drink, and I would die if I did - my doctor told me so by then. I lost all of my defenses against the first drink and I was at that darn "jumping off point" again, and I could sense those 4 hideous horsemen inches away from my tail - BUT I WAS SOBER this time.

Somewhere inside, only because I did not drink, something registered "Buddy, you're in DEEP trouble!" I knew it. It wasn't until then that I had "the desperation of drowning men". I could smell death at my door, and I knew that's where I was headed. It's not a lie what I said that I wanted to "spew bullets all over the place". I wore cammo's to the meetings. I had the hardware. I had the bullets and equipment to start a small war, and I had a disgusting and "dangerously anti-social" attitude toward others. I was just about in a rage.

I was an alcoholic after 5 years of half-measures that became "stark raving sober". My mind was in a worse place than if I was drinking.

Annie, after 5 years, I didn't have expereince, strength, and hope to share. I couldn't "transmit something I haven't got" and boy I didn't have it. I was dry "sober" AND USELESS. I was like those guys at meetings Dallas talks about. And I got the compulsion back - I was going to drink.

Thats because I lost the choice over drink 5 years earlier, and I wasn't making the only other choice I had which was to build a defense against the thing that will kill me. I lived the experience in the Doctor's Opinion. I had a compulsion that I had no mental capcity to overcome and that's right where I was headed.

I didn't want to drink, and thank God I knew what the solution was, and there was no alcohol in my body or mind to smother that little cinder that was still just barely aglow. So I did dive into AA with the desperation of a drowning man because my only other "option" was to die.

Now the funny thing is today I know that is ES&H, but back then it was not. Why? Because I "re-worked" the 12 steps, every last one of them with desperation and in FULL MEASURE. Then I had a "re-awakening" which made a transformation happen in my attitude. It was like having blurry vision and suddenly putting on a pair of glasses that put everything into focus. I was alive. I knew what a miracle this was because I know where I could have gone. I know even the book says we were "reborn".

And it's been like that ever since. I love the life I have today, but I think its only because I truly knew, without the effecto of alcohol, how close I came to losing it. Today I'm like "George" the banker in "Its a wonderful life". I'm like that every day!

I don't know how different my story is from yours, but you don't have to go out and do these daredevil things so you can have "more feelings" from your own ES&H. Your story and experience will "change" over time, but it won't really be changing, I'd call it a "transformation process". What life looks like to you today looking back will probably change because you will change - with each miracle you experience.

All you have to do with others is show them the way to a sober life that makes you happy, joyous, and free. Then the rest is up to the God of their understanding.

All that you and me are is arms and legs for the Spirit of the Universe. All you and me need to do is make that 3rd step choice each day, and the rest will take care of itself. It's pretty simple that way.

I hope I didn't go too far off the track.
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Postby Dallas » Thu Jul 12, 2007 8:12 pm

Wow Paul!!!! Awesome message!!!

For a minute, I started to think you were almost as sick as I was!!! :lol: :lol:

I really appreciated reading your story! Why not do one of those double-posts like I do sometimes -- and post it over in the Introductions section and in the Personal Stories section? (Triple post!) I think that a lot of others would benefit from reading your ES&H, -- where being sober took you to, and where God, A.A. and the 12 Steps took you to sobriety!

A lot of times people don't understand me, when I tell them that me getting sober made me worse than when I was drinking! When I got physically sober -- all hell broke loose inside me. I went way off the deep end -- and I thought that people that were telling me to "just not drink and it'll get better" were from some different planet than I was from!

What's interesting to me, Paul, is it only takes hours for me -- to get away from doing my Step work -- and I'll be right back where I was with just not drinking -- a real maniac! God treats my alcoholism through the 12 Steps. Without the 12 Steps, and using them daily to keep me sober, sane, happy, joyous and free -- I would have to be locked up!

Today -- I wasn't so happy, joyous and free. I was all worried, afraid, fearful, disgusted, resentful, scared, confused, pissed, nervous, anxious, depressed and just wanted to quit my business!!! :lol: How's that? Crazy, huh?

Then -- I read your message Paul. And, guess what? All my stuff just seem to fly right out of me! Go figure that one out? Suddenly after reading the message you posted with your ES&H -- I feel good again! I feel like I have hope. I know what I'm experiencing will pass... the business stuff that got me so upset and disturbed -- (I've been up all night without sleep -- trying to get some really customer-critical service work done, so that their business doesn't take a bad hit, over what one of my vendors is doing and done).

But, I feel good now, Paul!!! So -- thank you! You must have hit my memory button or something, and reminded me of "what it could be like for me" (again). Or, it was just that miracle, that always happens when one alcoholic shares with another alcoholic -- and, recovery begins to take place!

Also -- thanks to ALL the rest of you too!!! You guys and girls, with God's help, and the message of A.A. -- might be able to sane and sober after all!!!

And, just in case any of you start to thinking that you're going to send me a bill for taking care of me -- wait till payday to send the bill!!! I just got broke with this other problem! :lol:

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Postby anniemac » Thu Jul 12, 2007 8:35 pm

Well, I don't know, Paul. I feel like a totally different person than who I was when I came to AA. Those in AA who know me and have known me from Day 1 tell me that I am a totally different person and that the transformation is miraculous. 99% of the time I am happy, joyous and free. I am light of heart and filled with joy on a daily basis, just to hear birds sing and see the cloud formations or the starlight. My life has improved dramatically, and I don't mean materially.

When I share my ES&H at meetings, or go out speaking, God help me I am not saying this with ego, I am continually told how powerful my message is, how much I help people by my sharing, and that I am inspiring. I dunno, maybe the AA folks in my neck of the woods are all watered down, and therefore I seem good to them. Maybe they wouldn't know ES&H if it bit them on the ass. I don't know. They tell me they really admire that I'm "real"; that I don't just quote from the BB and play AA cheerleader - that I show how I struggled to come to terms with this Program and to apply it to my daily life.

But really, I don't feel that I do half-measures. I incorporate the principles of the steps in my life daily. And those days when I am filled with self-will and don't do that, I can feel it and aim to get back on course as best I can because I don't want to feel that way.

I appreciate your story and will reread it later on to see if I'm missing how it may apply to me. I desire to remain teachable.

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Postby garden variety » Fri Jul 13, 2007 2:07 pm

I think you are awesome (in full measure!) too Annie!
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Postby anniemac » Fri Jul 13, 2007 3:12 pm

:oops: :oops: :oops: Aw, shucks, folks....you mean I don't have to scoop up my marbles and go on home?? :shock: :roll: :lol:

Thanks for bearing with me on this little learning curve of mine. I guess I'm an exhibitionist - I do my kicking and screaming, and my growing, right out in public.

I have to tell ya, I'm still a bit confused about some of what was said in this thread. But, as I've come to learn, it's all good....this discussion has given me ample opportunity to explore some of my beliefs and some of my character defects. :D
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