Hi everyone, my name is Lou and I am an alcoholic. Today is my second day of recovery: I relapsed for the last 3 1/2 years after 8 years of not drinking.
I am 39. When I was 3, I got drunk for the first time. I was passing out wine to relatives, taking sips from each drink. By the end of dinner I was throwing up before passing out on the couch. I never forgot that.
When I was 12 I started drinking on my own. I drank more and more patholigically. By the time I graduated from high school, I was completely unaware that I had a problem. I thought that getting uncontrollably drunk, passing out, throwing up and blacking out were good things; normal rites of passage for the partying teenager. I was ready for college.
By my first year of college, I was drinking every day, as much as I could handle. I would skip class, go to my friends dorm room, and drink until supper, maybe longer. There were many nights of drunken stupidity, passing out, blacking out throwing up. And I thought it was all great fun. I was able to gather together 2 year of credits in my first 4 years there. At some point in college I recognized that I had a problem and went to AA for the first time. Oh, how I wish I never went back to alcohol. I undertood the definition of an alcoholic in my heart, that I was powerless. But intellectually, I felt that I really could controll it. I graduated college at 25 with a diploma and a full-blown disease(alcoholism).
The next two years were the most painful of my life up until that point. I met and was living with a woman whose disease was further progressed than I was. It was hell. She would be out all night, get into trouble with the law, and we were also drinking together more and more frequently. We were also spending more than we earned on alcohol and drugs. I begged her to get help, I would be there to support her. (I certainly didn't need it
But she wouldn't and eventually I couldn't take it anymore. So I asked my dad if I could live with him. He said yes but you can't drink. So I went cold turkey. this was 1995
In 1995, I went to a couple of meetings for about three months, failing to work through the steps. But I resolved that I would not drink again.
Now that I was clean on the alcohol, life started to improve
I met my wife, started doing well professionally, and felt that I had everything under control. Those were the best 8 years of my life to this point. However, nothing will derail me like success, the pride of ego creeps in and I get too full of myself. When I quit my day job to run my own company full time I thought I could do anything I want.
Eventually I decided that hey it had been 8 years since I drank. I know I have a "drinking problem" I know its dangerous, I will be careful.
Well you can imagine how well that worked.
I was able to handle a moderate amount of alcohol on most occasions. But I drank more and more frequently. By last week, I was drinking daily 5-6 beers, with an occasional 8-10. But what made me realize that I am powerless, what I should have realized much sooner in the last 3 1/2 years is that I binge. The last time was the worst. I came close to throwing away everything. My wife, my money and my self worth. I may yet lose the wife when she finds out how much money I blew.
The pain the guilt the revulsion are all pounding with all their relentless force. I welcome them, because I never want to forget again, that I am an alcoholic, completely uterrly powerless to control my drinking. This latest binge was so bad, I have put a serious financial hurt on myself and my family. But in someways I already have the serenity of knowing that it was the ransom for my life which was held prisoner.
I intend to document my recovery here and to participate as much as possible in the forums. This forum has held my rapt attention for the las 2 days. Only breaks for meetings, church and step work. I am going to get a sponsor by tomorrow. I will be leaving now to attend the second meeting of the day for me. But Dallas, you have made one thing abundantly clear. I must work the steps.
Thanks for all the help that you have already given me. It's so good to be able to connect with people who understand what sobriety and recovery are all about, I know I will need all the help I can get, especially from God. I have worked steps 1-3 and am in process with my sponsor(at least temporary sponsor) on step 4.