Hey Lou!!! Good to hear from you!
Lou wrote:I just find it so hard, I mean, the resentments that's easy. The feelings a bit more challenging, but it is much harder for me to admit MY part in my resentments.
A couple of unsolicited suggestions?
1. Be careful on the 4th Step. "If at all possible" -- take the Step "with someone experienced with the Step".
Us alkies can sometimes tend to get all caught up in our "feelings"... guilt, remorse, get down on ourselves, get negative, and end up depressed to the point that we could hurt ourselves -- if not careful. And, you definitely do not want it to make you thirsty!!!
So, make it a "we Step" with your Sponsor, or a close AA friend that you feel you can trust.
2. Remember, the objective in the 4th Step is not to make us "feel bad".
We do feel bad when we do crappy things, or have done crappy things -- and, that's because there is a "goodness" inside us that doesn't feel good when we do crappy things.
Sometimes, alkies think along the lines of "Well, if I can use this 4th Step to really beat myself up and feel real bad about what I've done -- it will change me." And, it doesn't work that way. I tried for many years of my life -- to beat myself up -- and make myself feel bad -- thinking it would punish me and make me stop doing the things that I wanted to stop doing. And, it never worked. It only got worse that way.
Rather than spending a lot of time "searching for your part in the resentment -- or where you were to blame" about something -- "instead" -- look for "the exact nature of your wrongs."
While the objective is to "smash our Ego" ... when we discover "what our wrongs are"... it smashes the Ego. And, once our Ego has a chink in it -- it's much easier to see our part in things.
Example: When I see that I've been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, afraid, and inconsiderate -- it pops a hole in my curtain of "self-righteousness" that wants to justify my actions, past, present or future.
When I see that I have my own wrongs and weaknesses -- I'm less likely to hold the other guy/girl -- to higher standards.
And, when it comes down to it, when I do discover my part in something, I'll see that my part was a direct result of my underlying "selfishness, self-centeredness, my self-seeking, my dishonesty, ... or fear... or, that I was being inconsiderate.
So, if I end up, later on, getting rid of my selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty, fear, and stop being inconsiderate... there are going to be less times when someone is going to tick me off!
It will be harder for me to get angry -- when I stop expecting and demanding that people do what they do -- the way that I think they "should" be doing it!
I hope that helps.