- ugggh... potential for relapse

ugggh... potential for relapse




Help for alcohol abuse addiction alcoholics who want to stay sober

Postby littlemiss » Thu Nov 08, 2007 9:02 am

Lou wrote:Justin,

Thanks for the encouragement. I am battling the insomnia. Going to Church 6:30 meeting 7:15 then step work.
Lou


Hi Lou,

I'm on Day 8...YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

(see Dallas? I got what I asked for, huh?--newbies!!!...:)

This has been my experience so far regarding insomnia:

(I've had sleep issues since my 20-year-old-daughter was born, which is WHEN I began using wine to sleep at night!!!)

Night 1: Horrible sleep (woke up 50 times a night)
Night 2: DITTO
Night 3: DITTO --Am gonna die by now--this sucks!!!)
Night 4: Ditto but a bit better (still miserable, but thinking I can do this!)
Night 5: Ditto but better..
Night 6: ###: I exercised in a.m.) Much Better even though I still wake up sometimes...am falling asleep quicker.
Night 7: ### in a.m. again) MUCH BETTER & confident that I will sleep...and that I won't DIE from lack thereof...lol!

**Nights 1-4 I took SOME form of sleep-aid I had a 1/4 of over-the-counter or a prescription one I had...not even 1/2 of the normal dose though...and I read at night ...
***Nights 6 & 7, I BIT THE BULLET & took NOTHING to help me sleep except prayer...:)...and feel like I'm now on-my-way...I will continue to exercise and not take anything to help me sleep now...

Hope that helps a bit...
From a Fellow-Insomniac...
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Thank you

Postby Lou » Thu Nov 08, 2007 9:33 am

Thanks, Ann Marie,

I have been following your journey through your posts and I pray that you may find Serenity. SO proud of you for having the courage to face life on life's terms.
I have never slept super-well but it's getting better. Last night I only woke up once(I had been dreaming that the people I met on my last night out came to my house to kill me.) But I can realy identify with the exercise suggestion, I will definitely make a part of my daily routine.

Ann-Marie, ( and anyone else out there who may care to comment), from what I am learning, while the mental and physical components have to be attended to, (after life itself) it is the peace of the spirit that is AA's greatest gift to us. I truly feel and hope and pray that once I have done the work of cleaning the physical plant, and clearing the mental baggage and humbly asking God to conform my will and my life to His. I may be able to truly experience spiritual peace. Old-timers, what do you think?
I am very weak spiritually and mentally now, but once I have some time and have worked the Steps I can't wait to be able to share that hope and peace with others who are suffering as I have suffered.

But its just for today. And today I am going to get some work done on Step 4 the moral inventory. I just find it so hard, I mean, the resentments that's easy. The feelings a bit more challenging, but it is much harder for me to admit MY part in my resentments. But its progress not perfection. So I'll let you know

Thanks for letting me share. And for your encouragement and support.
I am really doing the work this time, my very life is at stake.
Lou
 
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Postby Dallas » Thu Nov 08, 2007 12:40 pm

Hey Lou!!! Good to hear from you!

Lou wrote:I just find it so hard, I mean, the resentments that's easy. The feelings a bit more challenging, but it is much harder for me to admit MY part in my resentments.


A couple of unsolicited suggestions? :lol:

1. Be careful on the 4th Step. "If at all possible" -- take the Step "with someone experienced with the Step".

Us alkies can sometimes tend to get all caught up in our "feelings"... guilt, remorse, get down on ourselves, get negative, and end up depressed to the point that we could hurt ourselves -- if not careful. And, you definitely do not want it to make you thirsty!!! :wink: So, make it a "we Step" with your Sponsor, or a close AA friend that you feel you can trust.

2. Remember, the objective in the 4th Step is not to make us "feel bad".

We do feel bad when we do crappy things, or have done crappy things -- and, that's because there is a "goodness" inside us that doesn't feel good when we do crappy things.

Sometimes, alkies think along the lines of "Well, if I can use this 4th Step to really beat myself up and feel real bad about what I've done -- it will change me." And, it doesn't work that way. I tried for many years of my life -- to beat myself up -- and make myself feel bad -- thinking it would punish me and make me stop doing the things that I wanted to stop doing. And, it never worked. It only got worse that way.

Rather than spending a lot of time "searching for your part in the resentment -- or where you were to blame" about something -- "instead" -- look for "the exact nature of your wrongs."

While the objective is to "smash our Ego" ... when we discover "what our wrongs are"... it smashes the Ego. And, once our Ego has a chink in it -- it's much easier to see our part in things.

Example: When I see that I've been selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, afraid, and inconsiderate -- it pops a hole in my curtain of "self-righteousness" that wants to justify my actions, past, present or future.

When I see that I have my own wrongs and weaknesses -- I'm less likely to hold the other guy/girl -- to higher standards.

And, when it comes down to it, when I do discover my part in something, I'll see that my part was a direct result of my underlying "selfishness, self-centeredness, my self-seeking, my dishonesty, ... or fear... or, that I was being inconsiderate. :wink:

So, if I end up, later on, getting rid of my selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty, fear, and stop being inconsiderate... there are going to be less times when someone is going to tick me off! :wink: It will be harder for me to get angry -- when I stop expecting and demanding that people do what they do -- the way that I think they "should" be doing it! :lol:

I hope that helps.

Dallas
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4th step progress

Postby Lou » Thu Nov 08, 2007 3:07 pm

Dallas,

How did you get so wise? You spoke about just what I was doing, beating myself up.

There is no way I can work this program by myself, I won't ever make THAT mistake again. (God willing) I am working through this with step by step guidance from a person in AA that I trust completely. He agreed to sponsor me at least temporarily until I get a permanent sponsor. My tempsponsor said that I should put everything down and pray about it. He said to ask God specifically for help with this step. So I did, it was a beautiful day and I went to the park, praying the best way I know how, asking first the knowledge of His will and the power to carry it out, then explaining my plight and asking for help. A funny thing happened. A sense of peace came over me. It didn't last long but for an instant I thought I felt Him smile at me.

Later, I went back through my list of resentments and the words flowed like the Mississippi River on whose levee I had been praying earlier. Where before I was blocked with resentment, it seemed clear now that I did play a part in my own resentments. I acknowledge my part without feeling (too)guilty.

I still have a lot of work on the 4th step, but I know that this is my only hope and am throwing myself into the steps with the desperation of a drowning man.

Isn't it odd how I could not even get through the most basic task until I consciously asked my Higher Power for help?

Thanks again for helping me.

BTW I am eating again now, hadn't been able to eat more than a little bit since last Thursday
Lou
 
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Postby Dallas » Thu Nov 08, 2007 5:41 pm

Hey Lou,

Glad you're doing better. Prayer -- combined with action -- seems to do it every time. :wink:

Lou wrote:Isn't it odd how I could not even get through the most basic task until I consciously asked my Higher Power for help?


That's the lesson that we all must keep in mind daily. It helps us to keep right-sized. And, it works! :wink:

"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves." (page 25 BB)

If we had the power -- AA would be a self-help program.

We don't have the power -- and that's why AA is a God-help us program! :lol:

"For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."

If I had the power to fix myself -- I wouldn't have to humbly rely on Him. :lol: And, it's why -- when I go back to relying on myself... rather than Him... that I get myself into all sorts of jams.

Good to hear from you Lou!

And, Justin... I hope you're doing well, too!!!

Dallas
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Postby littlemiss » Fri Nov 09, 2007 10:25 am

Hope Y'all are Doing Well...
Ann marie, Alcoholic...

I shared in a meeting yesterday this is the FIRST TIME I get /can wrap-my-mind-around doing things "One Day at a Time"...this is HUGE for me, Miss Type-A-QUEEN...I'm not worrying about wanting to have 30 Days or how I'll get through the holidays...just grateful that TODAY I'm SOBER & not drinking TODAY...And I look back behind me at see: "WOW! Lookie there! I have 8 Full Days Sober...& today I'm on Day 9...I'm stringing them together w/ out fighting it...

In the past about 10-12 years of drinking mostly nightly, I've only made a few attempts to ever quit drinking...& those weren't very serious...but I've been thinking lately WHY would One want to quit drinking (or any addiction or problem) WITHOUT A.A. or the 12 Steps!!!!?????...um, even if One could? How much better to have support & fellowship & work on yourself/ your LIFE w/ guidance from the Program? :idea:


That and just Letting Go...and having OPEN HANDS for God to work in me...SOMETHING is just different...and I'm grateful...

MissDay9 :wink:
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Postby Dallas » Fri Nov 09, 2007 11:00 am

Congrats on day 9, Anne Marie.

I remember my first time in to A.A., and said just about the same thing...
littlemiss wrote:"WOW! Lookie there! I have 8 Full Days Sober...& today I'm on Day 9...I'm stringing them together w/ out fighting it... "


:lol:

Actually, your entire message could have been an exact quote from my first trip into A.A. :lol: :lol:

Staying sober was so easy for me, the first time around... that I developed a sense of confidence that blinded me to the true nature of my condition and how much work I needed to be doing. I started thinking like "why do all these people make such a big do-do over all this stuff! You don't have to do all that crap... you just don't drink and you won't get drunk! I can do this! They're a bunch of party-poopers! I'm sober, happy, and look at me go!!!"

Yep. I was physically sober... but, I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing to recover. Then, one day, my little window of opportunity closed... and I found myself in a place where I had no choice over whether I was going to drink again -- my alcoholism made the choice for me. And, after I had the drink -- the drink had me -- and, once again, I couldn't get sober.

I was so heart-broken. Devastated. How could this have happened to me, again? And, why is it... I can't get sober again? I'm doing all the same things that I did the first time I went to A.A.?

So much for those old memories!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
(But, I don't want to forget them... because I might go back to doing what I was doing when I started drinking again... and that was... going to lots of AA meetings, reading some AA books, hanging out with the Fellowship of AA, going for coffee after the meetings, and feeling pretty good about it).


I'm sure that your experience will be nothing like mine was! :wink:
You can do it!

Dallas
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Postby littlemiss » Fri Nov 09, 2007 11:40 am

Dallas wrote:Congrats on day 9, Anne Marie.

I remember my first time in to A.A., and said just about the same thing...
littlemiss wrote:"WOW! Lookie there! I have 8 Full Days Sober...& today I'm on Day 9...I'm stringing them together w/ out fighting it... "


:lol:

Actually, your entire message could have been an exact quote from my first trip into A.A. :lol: :lol:

Staying sober was so easy for me, the first time around... that I developed a sense of confidence that blinded me to the true nature of my condition and how much work I needed to be doing. I started thinking like "why do all these people make such a big do-do over all this stuff! You don't have to do all that crap... you just don't drink and you won't get drunk! I can do this! They're a bunch of party-poopers! I'm sober, happy, and look at me go!!!"

**YES, I can see how that happens...I'm trying to be EVER-Vigilant about NOT being overly- confident...about NOT getting into pink cloud thinking...**

Yep. I was physically sober... but, I wasn't doing what I needed to be doing to recover. Then, one day, my little window of opportunity closed... and I found myself in a place where I had no choice over whether I was going to drink again -- my alcoholism made the choice for me. And, after I had the drink -- the drink had me -- and, once again, I couldn't get sober.

I was so heart-broken. Devastated. How could this have happened to me, again? And, why is it... I can't get sober again? I'm doing all the same things that I did the first time I went to A.A.?

So much for those old memories!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
(But, I don't want to forget them... because I might go back to doing what I was doing when I started drinking again... and that was... going to lots of AA meetings, reading some AA books, hanging out with the Fellowship of AA, going for coffee after the meetings, and feeling pretty good about it).
***Right...I'm hearing ya...thanks for the caution...I'm SURE I need to hear it...and I'm paying attention to those that are sharing similar such stuff in meetings...Am actively looking for a sponsor...otherwise, I'm going to ask someone to temporarily sponsor me...ASAP...***

I'm sure that your experience will be nothing like mine was! :wink:
You can do it!

Dallas
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Postby garden variety » Fri Nov 09, 2007 11:49 am

Hi lil' Miss Anne Marie,

I'm glad to see you plugging away here. I know those first days can be pretty fit-ful. Glad you're hanging in.

Look at it this way too - the memories you make today are ones you probably won't ever regret if you don't drink.

To me that's one of the best and biggest blessings I get from the program and fellowship. And those things help me sleep at night much easier!

KCB - I like that acornym - God bless!

OK sorry for the add-on, but I went back through this post and wanted to say a couple things.

For Justin, I'm glad my words helped you sleep. You know there are a couple people around here who say the same thing. I think I'll just keep that in my mind as a compliment and leave it at that.

For Lou, thanks so very much for helping me. Man your story was the bomb. I can identify with you going back out. I did that after 6 years of sobriety, and drank for another 4 years. In those 4 years I learned the definition of hell. There was never a time worse in my life.

But here's a word that maybe can give you some hope. After those 4 years of hell, I was in the same spot as Lou after 3 days - I think it took me maybe 5 days to get over the bad shakes and eat something and keep it down and know where my job was. I don't know what I did during those first 3-4 days - I can't remember anything at all except being sick as hell and thinking I was dying.

I had 9 days of sobriety too, Anne Marie. I couldn't sleep for the world. I was still physically sick. I was in so much of a tizzy that I had a fit and busted up my brand new kitchen furnture it was high end stuff that was hand made. I had been separated from my wife and the divorce just about was final. I busted up this expresso coffee maker my wife gave me for Christmas. Brand new busted to pieces. I was in a rage at everything. The shame of it was I had a young son living with me who got front row seats.

I had 30-45 days of sobriety too, like you Justin. I just got back from a trip to Florida - the worst flight I ever had. The flight and storm was so bad that the pilot, God bless him, authorized the crew to give all passengers free cocktails for the last half-hour of flying. I remember saying out loud "SH_T" and thinking now why did I have to go and quit! But I remember how physically sick I had been, and that had lifted enough for me to travel and I said out loud "Never again".

I got to Cleveland Hopkins and my buddy picked me up. It was 60 degrees outside and it was February. My buddy wants to go to Applebys and get tanked. I said I'll go to Applebys with you, but you're the second person today that wanted me to drink (the pilot was the first). It aint gonna happen - I am through. He shook his head thinking I'd never keep that promise, but I did. He's the same "buddy" that slept with my wife earlier on before the divorce. I still looked at him as my best friend. That was what it was like when I was where you are, Justin.

But for me, God was bigger than all of "me" and my problems. I didn't know squat about God then, or A.A., but He knew everything there was needed to know about me. He gave me a BIG advance of Grace and Mercy. As you Irish guys like to pray, "God was holding me in the palm of His Hand". And it's lasted ever since!

So for Lou, Justin, and Anne Marie, I was where you are today as far as the days of sobriety. I was beat up real bad and everything was going to hell in a handbasket. The biggest difference is that I didn't have what you all have today - and that is this forum and the rooms of A.A. All of you are in a better place then I was in my early days because you have the solution for the rest of your days in the palm of your hand.

You know what? Boy does that bring a smile to my face! I mean right now! I am so happy for you guys and gals that you are reading this forum. I'm amazed that the crazy whirlwind of life in my early sober days inspires you to keep reading and coming back. You sure would not have wanted to be around this lunatic when I had the same amount of time as you. Anne Marie sure wouldn't be wishing more guys like me would show up. Good Lord she'd be steady running away for nine days if she saw me as the "newbie".

Dallas was given a great gift when he got the idea to put this board together. God really loves Dallas to use him this way. But you also see, that you "newbies" help guys like me and Dallas more than you know. We just sit back here and get goosebumps when we see you post and some of that crap that caused misery to so many back then helps you guys and gals grab hold of a "tool" or a step (well I can't speak for Dallas but its that way for me).

One more thing. Don't get spooked by that 4th step. Man alive, I was fit to be tied between the 4th and 5th. I should have been tied too. I was a slobbering snot-slinging king-size bowl of emotional Jello until I got that 5th done. I'd be sitting in my office cubicle and I'd just start crying out of nowhere in the middle of the day and I can't even see out of my glasses. And my office is soooo quiet - they all just hushed and ignored this fool. What a mess! And that was the second time doing the steps after 5 years of "insane" sobriety from "half-measures" and a whopper of a crappy attitude.

You "newbies" will do fine. You will make it. If a stubborn and sick bankrupt drunk like me made it through those early days, you can make it too. And you don't have to be near as miserable. Just keep coming back or "KCB". And boy-o-boy you guys and gals have helped me so much today. Thank you!
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Postby littlemiss » Sat Nov 10, 2007 5:23 pm

Thanks for you share GV!

For now, I'm personally steering clear of any mixed meetings--lol!
But it's funny, one meeting I go to has a huge mixed meeting (mostly men) that meets in the front room of the building...but by golly, if those men don't make 50 trips back-and-forth to the "restroom" down the hall by OUR little room (we have a glass window in our door)...as they ALL come down to check us women out--TOO FUNNY!...& too obvious! HEE!

Ahem...anyway, I'm on Day 10 today!!! Thank God I don't have any withdawal symptoms, GV...So I guess I ought to be thankful for that...can't imagine...I just have the I-can't-sleepwell-so-shoot-me-NOW...& sitting w/ the uncomfortable spaces...Am getting over that though...am calling A.A. friends, etc....And eating CANDY!!!...:)

& think I've secured a SPONSOR! I'm meeting with her Monday afternoon..spoke to her today on the phone.
WOOT! And by golly, I shall be celebrating my 42nd B-day on Tuesday SOBER...ditto for this weekend....
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