Dishonesty

[GeoffS]

I would be interested to hear people's thoughts on a situation that arose.

Another member who I know reasonably well, for one reason or another, had been having some family difficulties in his life, and it was getting him down.

He shared at a meeting, and got some support and some friendly advice.

All good.

I was then aware of how it all played out and how he handled it and what he did.

I was also present at another meeting where he shared with the group and lied about the outcome and his actions, this made him look very wise, very even minded etc.

Im unsure how to deal with my interactions with him now.

[Dallas]

I would be interested to hear people's thoughts on a situation that arose.

I wouldn't think about it. There are many other things that I could be thinking about -- that could make a difference in my life and in the lives of others.

There are things like that happening all the time. Sometimes, I let it bother me and it causes problems for me -- and, it doesn't do anything at all in regards to the other person.

Many times, especially when it comes to another A.A., I have to remind myself that "Many do not comprehend that the alcoholic is a very sick person."

Soon after I entered A.A., I began to hear "if you don't take the other persons inventory -- you won't have to make their amends."

I'm not sure if this is what that really means -- but, this is how I understand it today: "My life is the manifestation of my thoughts. And, I will attract and manifest that which I think about."

If my real purpose in life is to fit myself to be of maxium service to God and the people about me -- my job is to be fitting myself -- rather than fitting the people about me.

And, if I simply wish to be helpful to those who are afflicted -- I'm not going to be very helpful to them or myself, if I'm trying to fit them.

With all that said -- I still find myself, at times, looking at the other guy/girl and what they are doing. I'm not perfect yet, but I am working on it! And, there is lots more work for me to do!

Sometimes, I have to look at the other guy and say something like "But for the grace of God -- that's him doing that and not me!" And, I have to remember things like "love and tolerance is our code." I have a difficult time straightening out my own problems and I'm powerless to straighten out other people.

Dallas

...

[garden variety]

Hi Geoff,

I'm pretty much in agreement with Dallas on this, unless of course this is your sponsor or your protege'. If either of those are the case, it would seem to me that I would have a duty to confront the issue. Otherwise you probably won't have to do anything: you've probabaly already taken the necessary "action".

I understand that you might have feelings of disappointment regarding the other member. I think those kind of feelings are normal and for the most part legit. I also believe when any degree of trust is breeched, an "intuitive" adjustment happens within. But if the matter evolves into "hurt feelings", then resentment becomes an issue which requires further action - mainly prayer. That's why the suggestion Dallas made is wise - it's the easier and softer way. Experiencing legitimate feelings (disappontment in this instance) and letting them go tells me that sanity is getting restored.

As an example, I had a "best friend" betray me and lie about it, and it was a serious issue. There is no possible way the level of trust I had for him could be the same unless he amended the issue. I could have let it linger longer as a resentment but I didn't. A time came to deal with the issue. I chose to let go of the legtimate feelings of disappointment, but I also could (and did) choose to let go of alcoholic resentment which lingered for a while.

Within me, an "intuitive adjustment" also happened. Until this person makes this matter right, I won't be exposing areas of my life where there is vulnerability to him. In other words, he really can't be a best friend until a "best friend" level of trust is restored.

For me that isn't anger or resentment, it's being "restored to sanity". To be vulnerable after trust has been hurt like that is insanity. So the "action" handled itself within me with no harm to others. The benefit from this "intuitive act of sanity" is self-protection. I left the doors open for further friendship and growth if he so chooses. I also still pray for him as a true friend. He's just not a best friend right now - but even that door is not completely shut.

You good folks have taught me so much about keeping the door to the past open just a crack, that I'm learning it's a good idea to leave a bunch of doors open just a crack - or at least unlocked - because changes happen.

The issue I see involves "re-setting" healthy personal boundaries. That comes with being restored to sanity. As long as I "consent" to God's will by doing the 3rd step, lots of things like this take care of themselves intuitively.

Living sober and free is such a sweet blessing.

[Danni]

If I were in that situation I hope I would forgive them.

If I could not forgive them I would pray and ask God to help me to become willing to forgive them.

Love & hugs,

Danni

[Dallas]

Gee Danni,

That was so simple, sweet and to the point!

Why couldn't I come up with that idea?

Stick around! I might learn something from you!

Dallas

[amy m]

My experience is that when the mouth and feet don't match, people know. You probably don't have to say or do anything. I know I have had situations where people thought they knew the outcome and the outcome changes for reasons they didn't know. It is his story to write and his ammends to make. He has to live in his own skin.

Let the feet and mouth run along in different directions. It is like my drinking. I thought I had everyone fooled and I had only fooled myself.

Peace
A

[Dallas]

Wow! Thanks Amy! What a beautiful way you expressed that idea. Mind if I borrow it?

Dallas

[amy m]

Dallas,
My dad always said he was a thief. He stole something from every meeting he attended and made it his own. We share in a general way!

I didn't make those things up, just heard them enough they made sense to me.

Have a great holidays to all. If this is your first sober Thanksgiving, give yourself an out and run like the wind if you are uncomfortable, or make a new tradition with your family. Remember you can plan the event, but not the outcome.

Peace,
A

[Danni]

Update? How is it going with this? What did you finally do?

Living and letting live - with love and tolerance and patience.

Danni

[GeoffS]

I talked to my sponsor, and we decided the best thing to do was nothing.

A couple of weeks or so on, the guy approached me wanting help with his step work. I emphasised the need for honesty in all our affairs.

He seems to be making progress now.