Welcome to the site! Glad you're here.
Bison wrote:Where to go from here? Do I have the (ahem) balls to show my face at a meeting with tail between my legs and admit the error of my ways? Will I embrace the Fellowship which I have been so cynical about in the past?
Well, you might not be embracing us, but... in regards to the Fellowship -- but, you've already got hold of us here!
So, that's one obstacle out of your way!
Now -- for the next one:
1. You're here. You didn't have to go very far! Obstacle 2, out of the way.
2. Which one of us got here without our tail between our legs? Failure seems to be the only requisite to get here. If we didn't fail, we wouldn't be here. We would have probably just quit drinking or been able to control it. My name is Dallas, I'm alcoholic, and I failed a few times, and that's why I'm here!
So, there's obstacle #3, out of your way!
3. It's probably a decent idea to be a bit cynical! None of us got here because we were Saints! And, a member doesn't even have to be sober to me an A.A. They let anyone in! Even me!
(Maybe I was thinking of "skeptical"... but, that's a good idea, too! ).
The last obstacle that I can see -- if it were me, I would need to answer a couple of questions -- and that would close the deal for me.
1. Do I want to experience embarassment or hurt feelings or injury to my pride... for a little while... Or,
2. Do I want to experience misery, torture, embarassment, pain, demoralization, and horror... as I watch all the good that was left in my life... go down the toilet... for the rest of my life... forever... because I was too proud to save my b-u-t-t by coming back?
The choice is always ours to make. And, I believe you've made a good choice by at least coming back... this far.
The only thing you've got to lose -- is your life.
And, the thing that you've got to gain, that's most valuable (or, it would be to me)... is your life.
After I had been sober in A.A. for about 5 1/2 months... I went back to drinking. I tried for about five months... to come back. And, I couldn't get sober now matter how hard I tried. I was going to different meetings... thinking that "those A.A.'s in the meetings I used to go to... will know I failed! Oh crap! Can't have that! They had already told me I was doing it backwards and wouldn't be able to stay sober the way I had been doing it."
Well, I became convinced that I was alcoholic. I was doomed. So doomed that even A.A. wouldn't work for an alcoholic of my type. I was convinced of that, too.
But, where else could I go? I knew that I couldn't just "not drink and go to meetings." I believed that if there was a God, He rightly hated me and wouldn't have anything to do with me, nor would He help me. And, I knew A.A. wouldn't work for me.
So, not having any other place to go -- I went back to A.A. I even prayed to a God that I didn't believe in and didn't believe would help me. And, that seemed to make it worse! The more days and few months that I was sober... I got worse.
My sponsor had already told me that if I didn't let go of my old ideas absolutely... there was no hope of a hope of a hope for me. And, he said he never seen one of my type make it. He said I was too smart to get it.
So, I dumbed up and took actions that were against my better judgement to take, and did things that I didn't believe that would work -- (and, I still do that)... and I've been sober since November 14th, 1986.... with no drinking or pot or pills or any other stuff in between.
Today I have a pretty good life. I'm reasonably happy, joyous and free.
Do I still have problems? Sure I do. Like tonight. After my 8 pm meeting, where I had to talk on Step Three -- I got a strong urge to go check on my little sister. She has been the closest always to me, in regards to blood family.
I went by here house and it was dark, except for a couple of lights on. I had been calling her all day -- and got no answer. When I went to her door her dog acted scared and didn't even bark. I couldn't get her to answer the door. So, I called the hospitals to see if she was there. She wasn't in the hospitals, so I called her son, and met him at my sisters house.
To shorten it up -- we called the police and made the decision to break in the door. My nephew (an ex police officer) kicked the door in, and we walked in to find my sister dead on the floor.
That's a problem. It hurts. I've been spending a lot of time with her over the last few months trying to get her out of a hard place.
I brought her baby home with me, (her dog), and tomorrow, I've got to get together with her son (her other baby) and try to be helpful and help arrange things.
I had to call my other sister, to let her know of our baby sisters death tonight. She's my oldest sister and has 13 years sober in A.A.
My mom is in a nursing home. I took care of her for 13 years, before my baby sister showed up about 18 months ago to take my mom off my hands.
I'll have to tell my mom, who is in bad health and it will break her heart.
My mom still doesn't know about my older brother, who died in July of this year -- as a result of untreated alcoholism. He died all alone in a weekly rental flop house and it was weeks before any of the family knew he was dead and buried.
These are problems. And, there is pain and sadness.
However, now I get to use, once again, all the principles that I've learned in A.A., over the last 21 years, to help my nephew and my mom and other sister to get through this.... and, to take care of the dog. (Dog's are family, too. Their God's dogs. He made them).
I haven't thought of drinking or taking a pill. I've thought about how grateful I am, that because of A.A., I am sober today, and I am equipped to help my family.
We never know when something horribly will happen. We never know when our last day or our last moment will be. Mine could be before I get to click the submit button.
Scott, staying sober has been a pretty good deal for me. And, I know that it can be a pretty good deal for you, too, if you want it, and you're willing to go to any lengths to have it.
I'm glad you're here. If I can be helpful to you -- please let me know.