- Not such a happy birthday!!!

Not such a happy birthday!!!




Discussions related to 12 Step Recovery and Treatment

Not such a happy birthday!!!

Postby markyb » Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:20 pm

A Big hi to y'all, Isnt that how guys say it across the pond!!!

Hey you know what, i am writing to you all because really i am not in the joking mood and the old mojo (Serenity) has gone out of the window, i need to get this out because i am dangerously misrable at the moment, to a dry drunk level and i need to get honest, also at this moment in time i am just in the process of getting a new sponsor

I recently cleared two years sobre, and what should of been a great time in my life just passed unnoticed, not by others apart from my sponsor who was buzy!!! but by myself because i was and am struggling with my programme at the moment. Recent events (life!) has been preety lousy and i havnt dealt with them in a way i might of done say a year ago infact i believe personally there is something sorely missing from my programme, and what i mean by that is because of the fears i still hold on a day to day basis i just know i need to look closer to home and take action. I am self conscious to the point i was in early recovery and this i find is because i am untrusting and the usual anxiouty's around What people might think, you know all the traits of ego ect but i really am finding it hard to show any humility.

I Have had problems around my sponsor and before you all start!!!!! i know i'm responsible for my recovery and i feel through people pleasing (fear) i should of moved on a long time ago and being friends definatly doesnt help. He has had a few problems of his own and on his own admission avoided and been totally dishonest, i can go on but i think you get the picture!! all this was going on when i had lost my job had health problems back to back over christmas and for the first time in recovery had a bust up with a couple of my fellows leaving me gaining resentments a many, growing by the day along with plenty of time on my hands to build them up preety dam high!!! the result, throw a bit more self will at it each day cos the programme and the people innit obviously aint working!!! I think you can all see where i am at the moment and i know its my disease but i need them words of wisdom and affirmations to counteract this cunning,bafffling and bloody powerfull affliction of mine..

I still go to meetings, do my service and always help the newcomer inside and out of the rooms but i dont feel comfortable and certaily am not happy/joyous and free and certainly dont wanna be drunk without the drink so please help....... M :( :( I must add this has been ongoing for some months....
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Postby Dallas » Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:31 am

Hey MarkyB! Happy birthday!!! Great to hear from you!

I hope your second year is much better than mine was!!! I was told that I was going through the "terrible twos!" :lol: Of course, it was no laughing and joking matter to me at the time, because my life was actually coming apart at the seems and my fabric was rapidly unraveling!

M wrote:I still go to meetings, do my service and always help the newcomer inside and out of the rooms but i dont feel comfortable and certaily am not happy/joyous and free and certainly dont wanna be drunk without the drink so please help....... M


Ahhh!!!! Been there, and done that... and I understand!!! :wink:

For me, what my problem was... I was involved with a bunch of activity... but not a bunch of action!

Here's what I mean... I heard my sponsor talking about it once in a speaker meeting where he was speaking... He was explaining the difference of activity and action. He said it was real easy to get involved in all kinds of AA activities, and be real busy at it -- and expect that it was going to fix us -- and it wouldn't! He said "Activity and action are not the same! You must take actions -- on your own life. You must take the actions to apply the principles of recovery to yourself! Activity is great, but it won't do the job that you need to be doing on you!"

What I understood that to mean was: I've got to be as busy... and actually even busier... taking the actions that will develop discipline and structure and well-being. I've got to be taking the actions that will cause my own life to recover, and then to become more efficient, and actually begin making personal progress in my life.

For me, the major way that I do that is: The 12 Steps. But, that's not all. I need to be working. Having a job. Creating and re-creating my life. Taking classes. Learning. Reading. Exercising. Eating right, sleeping right -- and doing the same kinds of things that regular healthy folks do -- to achieve more of what they want, and less of what they don't want, in their lives.

All of these things, for me, add up to having a healthy positive self-esteem, and genuine self-worth.

We all need love. To love and to be loved. We need to feel that we are of worth to others and of worth to ourselves. We need to feel that we are responsible -- and for others to consider us as responsible.

Sometimes, we can become so spiritual -- that we forget that we have psychological needs. We're humans. Spiritual. Physical. Mental. Emotional.

Where I always start -- when I slide out of shape -- is making a list of my actions. What am I doing??? What am I not doing???

Then, I would take off on another journey through the 12 Steps again -- and this time, I would keep at it... daily.

I discovered, that I have a tendency to get lazy. To get undisciplined. To let the structure in my life fall apart.... and, later... down the road... suddenly become aware that "Oh crap! Me and My life is all screwed up!" (Again)!!! :lol: :lol:

I wish you the best! And, you'll get through this time just fine... as long as you take actions on your awareness. You'll then come out on the other side -- being really happy and grateful for the slump that you've experienced!!! It will help to keep you moving forward and making great progress in your life!

Dallas
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Postby garden variety » Fri Feb 13, 2009 3:25 pm

Dallas wrote:What I understood that to mean was: I've got to be as busy... and actually even busier... taking the actions that will develop discipline and structure and well-being. I've got to be taking the actions that will cause my own life to recover, and then to become more efficient, and actually begin making personal progress in my life.

For me, the major way that I do that is: The 12 Steps. But, that's not all. I need to be working. Having a job. Creating and re-creating my life. Taking classes. Learning. Reading. Exercising. Eating right, sleeping right -- and doing the same kinds of things that regular healthy folks do -- to achieve more of what they want, and less of what they don't want, in their lives.

All of these things, for me, add up to having a healthy positive self-esteem, and genuine self-worth.

We all need love. To love and to be loved. We need to feel that we are of worth to others and of worth to ourselves. We need to feel that we are responsible -- and for others to consider us as responsible.


DUDE 8)

My bro, you are playing some mighty fine music to my ears! Excellent and perfect post. I'm 100% beside you. Thanks for helping me again.

Hey MarkyB - WHAT DALLAS SAID!!!
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Postby sunlight » Fri Feb 13, 2009 4:09 pm

Double dudes! 8) 8)

You both help me every day & I thank you. :D

Dallas wrote:

Take actions on your awareness. You'll then come out on the other side--being really happy and grateful for the slump that you've experienced!!


This is where I came in! I knew my slump was my Higher Power's way of preparing me for something new and, sure enough it was!

MarkyB, getting a sponsor is a great step to finding out what's missing. For me, honesty was crucial for progress, & I need a sponsor to help me do that! Don't be discouraged. As long as I kept looking, I kept finding!

And happy belated birthday! :D It's a beautiful thing.
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Postby Ranman99 » Mon Sep 07, 2009 4:24 am

Just diggin' through the posts. Tomorrow evening I will be sharing my story for the first time at a local meeting held in a hospital and trying to get a handle on what is different this time for me in the program than all the other times. A few things have been on my mind and one is that I gave up fighting and just tried to do the best I can.

What I really liked from above where all of the elements of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical. I just had a view of one of those ink jet printers with the multi colour cartridiges and if any one of them is running low we won't get that beautiful full coloured portrait we are striving for.

These days when I feel off base usually one of my cartridges is running low.

I still have a lot of work to do of course but this time I'm willing to do the work :D Can't give what I ain't got in any circumstance.

Thanks Guy's.
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Postby markyb » Mon Sep 07, 2009 6:42 am

Hi to you all, its been a while, i just got mail that there has been a post on here to an old topic i had put on and as its been some time since ive been on here thought it good to catch up.

Good luck Ranman for your share, And how fitting it is to see that you are trying things differently this time round because a few months after this post i relapsed and it was a preety dark time for me, Thanks to my higher power and the foundation that i had built i was back in the rooms within 2 days and ready to do some work or take some action which you talk about also. The thing was for me is that i was working a programme which to others may have looked ok on the surface but the work that i needed to be doing was on myself and my own defects/fears ect. So i needed to get honest, surrender again and show some true humility.



Today i am in a preety good place and its only due to the action that i am taking on a day to day basis, ive said in a meeting before that i hate this programme when i am not working it and love it when i do, What i mean by that is that i can sit there and moan about the programme not working because i am doing exactly that, sitting!!!! or i can do as suggested and use what has freely been given to me and get well. Ive taken a good hard look at step seven because i feel i only give it lip service first time round, no wonder its called the forgotton step but also one of the most important ones, my sponsor says it sorts the men from the boys, humility in other words something i was struggling with before.


Anyhow my dear friends i must stop my nattering and go take some more action!!!! :D :D :D Thanks all for keeping me sobre, a day at a time..... Big hugs and take care M
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Postby Ranman99 » Mon Sep 07, 2009 11:31 pm

Thanks for that. I hear you loud and clear. I was first introduced to this fine program 18 years ago. I'm a damn slow learner. The great thing is that in the past I could never have shared becuase I was still lying to too many people. I suppose something may have helped someone but wouldn't have done a darn bit of good for me. Today oddily enough it has come at the absolutley perfect time and is a gift. I just posted on another thread and shared this morning at a meeting that I charied where only one kid with 4 months showed up:

I'm 261 days today and get to share my story tonight at a hospital meeting so whoo hooo. Also according to the Gregorian Calander 45 years ago today at 7:55 in the morning I was born.

I read somthing I like a few weeks back. Do you know what 261 days of sobriety and 45 years alive on the planet gives you?

Answer: 261 days sobriety and 45 years alive on the planet!!!

Every day now is an absolute blessing. Not that there won't be life's challenges that is a given but damn today is fine so far!
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Postby DebbieV » Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:36 pm

Hey Ranman99...How did sharing your story go for the first time?

Debbie
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