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Gods grace




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Gods grace

Postby Jools » Fri Mar 06, 2009 4:15 pm

Trey, my 18 yr old son, received a DUI Saturday night and was arrested again. I don't know how many ways this kid can break my heart. I realize he's not drinking at me, he's just like me, with the same feelings I have. I also realize that I can't fix him no matter how much I want to.

Who knows, this could be another step to him getting help. I don't know what Gods plan is for Trey, but hopefully he'll get tired of me constantly praying for him and do something to help him. :wink:

The reason I titled this "Gods grace" is because I never once thought about taking a drink over this. I haven't called an attorney to try and fix it for him. I haven't yelled or screamed at him. This is not the same Julie from 4 months ago.

I thank you all for what you've taught me. I love y'all.

Sincerely,
Julie
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God's Grace

Postby Dallas » Fri Mar 06, 2009 4:29 pm

Thanks for sharing Julie.
Your growth and experience gives us hope!
And, you are in out thoughts and prayers. :wink:

Once, when I was reading the Bible... I came across a verse that read something about thanking God for all things!

My first thought was... "Hey! That's kind of strange! Why would it tell me to thank God for ALL things? Even the seemingly bad stuff?"

It was strange and weird... until I tried it! And, the results were incredible! It really focused my awareness that I do have a God. And, it caused me to become more grateful... even during periods that seemed full of storms and crisis. It changed my thinking and continues to change my thinking.

It helps me to remember... that there is a seed of an equivelant or greater benefit... in every adversity. It helped me to have more serenity during adversities. And, if I look at the adversity with an attitude of gratitude... sooner, and sometimes later... I discover the opportunity or benefit that came in the form of an adversity!

Best wishes to you!

Dallas
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Postby sunlight » Sat Mar 07, 2009 11:13 am

Hi friends!

I'm hearing you on the son scenario, Julie! Went to visit my son in jail for the 1st time. Haven't seen or talked to him for maybe 6 weeks. He wants me to pay his fines so I can put $ on his books so he can get shampoo! :roll:
No, no and nada no.

But we had a super visit. He looks great cuz he works in the jail kitchen & gained 10 pounds. I did not talk program, or how he needs to do this & that. Just told him how I'm doing, & my struggles & victories, how beautiful life is, even in the "rough going", and how much I love him.

I was able to see how I've learned to live & let live, love & let go. This did not come without rigorous effort on my part! But, oh, the sweetness of serenity as the result.

Yep, give thanks for all things. :wink: I have no clue what God is doing with my son. It has even occurred to me that his death may be the only way my son will be free of his malady & it could be a blessing.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND GOD! But, I know He loves us, & I trust that He does what is best for all.

This is progress from someone who could direct a production of "Gone With the Wind" with both hands tied behind her back, blindfolded! :lol:

Have a sweet Saturday. Don't forget to set your clocks 1 hr. ahead, unless you're in Arizona! ( or Australia? Hi Geoff! :D )
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Postby ROBERT » Sun Mar 08, 2009 6:39 am

SUNLIGHT-THAT IS BEAUTIFUL-INSPIRATIONAL-SANE. THANK YOU..... FEELS GOOD TO BE HEALTHY- I TOOK A FLIGHT ONE YEAR AND THE FLIGHT ATTENTANDT WENT TO EXPLAINE THE INS & OUTS OF EMERGENCY PROCEDURE-SHE SAID BEFORE YOU TRY TO HELP ANY ONE MAKE SURE YOUR OXYGEN MASK IS SECURE FIRST-YOU WILL BE ABLE TO EFFECTIVELY HELP ANOTHER IF YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF FIRST.........GOD BLESS............ROBERT
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Postby Jools » Thu Mar 12, 2009 7:28 am

I made a FIRM decision today. I am not going to allow Trey or anyone else to steal my joy. I'm not gonna be angry or depressed. When these feelings crop up they're going straight to God.

I insist on being happy today!!

Thanx for always being here for me!

Love y'all
Julie
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Postby sunlight » Thu Mar 12, 2009 9:47 pm

Thanks for the inspiration, Julie.

I kept reading & re-reading your post cuz it's where I'm at today too.

I've made progress, but today I took another hit that I didn't see coming, from my new boss who will not let up on me. And I didn't do anything wrong!
My co-workers are shocked at her behavior as well & we have tried to go above her head, but have been told to "work it out".

I've tried talking to her, talking to others about what it is about me that may be irritating her, & even talked to my former boss for some insight. And, of course I've talked to other alcoholics that know me. It illuminated some character defects I wasn't aware of. (I think if there's anything people like more than taking your inventory, it's telling you about it!) I am willing to have them removed & have humbly asked God to do so.

It began when I was dealing with having my heart chewed up, so I was pretty vulnerable at the time.
I do well for a while, & then,when I least expect it , it's like - INCOMING! BITCHSTORM! She never smiles & got mad once when I brought some chocolate & we were all giggling when we were eating it! (she hates chocolate.) Oh I could go on ... It's tyranny & gloom every day ay the office. :evil:

I can say I'm not going to get sad or mad or whatever, but it's wearing me out to be the target of her agenda for no reason.

I need a new action plan. I've tried kindness, helpfulness, friendliness - it makes it worse. I've tried gently confronting her with the fact that her behavior is unprofessional, but zip. I realize she has issues, but they're being dumped on me!

I feel so emotionally battered I can hardly think.

I love my job & I'm good at it & have been in the field for a long time. I don't want to leave. But, working at MacDonald's is looking pretty peaceful!

Anyone have experience with this type of situation & have successful results?

Thanks for letting me dump! I feel better already!

Sunlighting through the storm... :wink:
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Postby Jools » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:01 pm

Hmmm, you're a better woman than I am! :wink:

The guy who works for me is REALLY negative. He LOVES making fun of people and gossiping about them. I used to do the same thing b4 I got sober and even still fall in to it today. But the negativity day in and day out really wears me down. I hate this and I hate that. One day he asked "ya know what I hate?" I said, "EVERYTHING!" HA!

Then one day I realized that one of my friends once told my son that your mother is negative and how much it hurt my feelings. I mean I was CRUSHED! That made me realize that he's SO miserable inside that it's easier to pick out other people faults and make fun of them than it is to take a look at himself, cause that's what I did. I know that he's not going to change, the only thing that will have to change is me. He's single because no one will date him long because of his negativity so he's lonely. He's made comments about his parents and the things that he endured while growing up. Granted, I came from a very abusive, dysfunctional home, but I have this program to cope with all of that. He's hurting inside and it comes out as anger.

I have a feeling that your happiness ticks this woman off because she wants what you have, Sun. What you're doing is what you're supposed to be doing, being kind to her. A carpenter once said, love you enemies. It's easy for me to love those who're lovable, but buddy, let someone tick me off and then try to love them??? Like Tyson for instance, but I HAVE to love him and in order to love him I have to forgive him and I'm willing to do that today. The next time I see him I'm going to tell him that I forgive him. Hating him was like a cancer eating me up inside, robbing me of happiness and peace. Imagine this woman with the same kind of cancer inside of her eating her up, cuz that's what anger and hatred are.

Hang in there Sunlight of our lives!
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Postby sunlight » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:49 pm

Oh thank you Julie, 3 times over plus a couple of truckloads!

I know forgiveness is the answer, & I had forgiven her. But you helped me see that it's an ongoing thing; maybe like the forgiving seventy times seven that the carpenter talked about. I thought it was a done deal! Wrong-o! :shock:

Yep, my son, who is bi-polar, once told me that when he's depressed, he can't take it when someone's happy. And many people I talked to said she's probably jealous of me. But, I need to be careful with that, cuz I can be tempted to blame, & not look at myself & my shortcomings.

Ah, I remember well when I was a mountain of hurt & anger & self-pity! Thanks for the flashback. :wink:

But, one for the gratitude journal - she has off today! What a difference in the morale! The IT system was down & we were told to check the wires, so I started singing to the tune of the Doors song, Light My Fire, "Come on baby check my wires!" The office was filled with laughter. How great!

One day at a time, one forgiveness at a time, for a lifetime.

That garden variety is so right - you are one sparkling jewel! :D

Love you, sun
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Postby garden variety » Fri Mar 13, 2009 1:59 pm

sunlight wrote:It's tyranny & gloom every day ay the office.


Hey Sunlight, around here we say "This isn't a job. It's hell with florescent lighting". :lol:

I will confess. As you probably know, my smart@ss license is still valid - probably up for a renewal soon. As such, unfortunately, I've learned that AA slogan "It's better to give a resentment than to get one" all too well.

My old way of alcoholic thinking in those situations is: "Bring it on!"

Last week I had an assistant director try and come down on me real hard. She was filling in for my director who was out-of-town. I acted on my first thought. But it was a "Fisrt Thought Wrong" moment. She emailed me which included some unprofessional things that higher-ups shouldn't be saying, much less including in email.

I commenced to eating her alive. I shot back short, but very antagonizing and irritating responses like "You're right. You're always right. I'm an idiot. So what?" or "Your comments are noted. So is your attitude." If it would have gone on much longer, I would have probably told her that her butt is fat, her feet are too big, and she needs to get a better hair stylist. I also copied her boss, and my boss, and was pretty successful in making her look bad in a very short time.

Here's the problem. I didn't have a resentment. I was smiling and laughing, sometimes out loud. Each time I responded short and smart-@ssed, she got more upset, and said more things that were unprofessional. My responses were, of course, in "third person" or guarded so I wouldn't get in trouble. I wanted to make her break down on the job. I wanted to make her cry, and I was taking the DESTRUCTIVE actions that could bring that about. I was enjoying myself, not in the least bit upset or angry. I was "pushing her buttons" - I was a man on a mission.

Well that night I talked with my co-sponsor who I didn't need to convince. He just said there's a lot of jerks in the world aren't there? He was essentially in agreement with me at first. That began to concern me. I had to explain to him that I was having fun tormenting someone. As we spoke, I began to realize how wrong I was, and there were no "red flags" within me to signal the problem. I "felt" content and even joyful at what I was doing. The co-sponsor was puzzled because I didn't feel resentment, and he asked if I felt like drinkiing. Ultimately, it seems as though God was saying to me to pray which is what I chose.

I needed to see and understand within myself that the acting director was also one of "God's kids". She had a soul that was perfected. It was hard for me to ask God to remove my "reversed anger" because He would be removing something I felt joy and happiness about. But I prayed anyhow because I know prayer is a constructive action. I prayed for her the next day before I went to work. I asked God to direct my thinking and to help me to do the best job I could I could even if she was still in a tizzy, and I was determined to speak to her with dignity if I had to speak at all.

This was hard for me. This wasn't 5 or 6 years ago. This was last week. I'm certainly telling all of you is that I'm not proud of how I responded. My "feelings" were way way off from the truth. It was almost as if I was "getting intoxicated" from my feelings. The problem for me was that I didn't have a "disturbed" or "anxious" or "uneasy" feeling - those kinds of feelings make me stop and take notice and then inventory. This was when the "thinking" part of me had to come into action. And that had to be a conscious choice made without being motivated or disturbed by my feelings.

The next day turned out great - a total reverse of the day before. I grabbed the outstanding projects with both hands and dived into my work. Everything seemed to be going super-smooth. When I finished up, and was emailing my follow-up, SUDDENLY, without a thought or prompting, I punched in a sentence that complimented the acting director for her good judgement, and I sent the email with copies to her boss and the higher-ups. After I sent it I re-read it, and in the same way I chose those short, cutting, and smart-@ss emails, I plugged in a sentence that made that woman appear competent and in perfect control of the workplace. I was amazed that I did that. Puzzled and amazed at my own complimentary words.

My poor boss, who totally understood both sides, was off on that day, and when he came back the next day, he knew the director would also be back, the acting director would be gone to her nest, and the poop was probably going to hit the fan in a big way. But what my supervisor and the director returned to to was kudos from their higher ups and every single conflict and issue totally resolved.

One day, my reactions were the problem. Add in a prayer for my adversary, and the next day my reactions were the solution.

This taught me a lesson. It doesn't matter how or what I feel, my spiritual life and relationship with a God of my understanding sets the course of my prayers. My spiritual life is perfected and enlarged by self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action if I'm working the steps and the program of recovery. It proved to me again that prayer works, but more importantly, constructive action never fails.

What that translates into for me is that when I pray the 3rd step prayer and ask God to "relieve me of the bondage of self", I'm no longer a slave to my feelings. I can make a choice to "do the next right thing". To make it even clearer and simpler, all I have to remember is CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION always becomes the "next right thing" because it never fails.

So what I can offer to you, Sunlight, from own personal ESH is that I completely understand your dilemma from both sides. One side from being the "recipient" of negativity, and the other side from being the "giver" of negativity. These were my solutions in both circumstances:

1. Prayer works
2. Constructive action never fails

But I thnk more importantly is how I needed to figure out a way to get beyond my feelings and emotions that run high in conflicts. Two words that seem to always work for me are: have mercy.
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Postby Jools » Fri Mar 13, 2009 3:06 pm

One day, my reactions were the problem. Add in a prayer for my adversary, and the next day my reactions were the solution.

This taught me a lesson. It doesn't matter how or what I feel, my spiritual life and relationship with a God of my understanding sets the course of my prayers. My spiritual life is perfected and enlarged by self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action if I'm working the steps and the program of recovery. It proved to me again that prayer works, but more importantly, constructive action never fails.

What that translates into for me is that when I pray the 3rd step prayer and ask God to "relieve me of the bondage of self", I'm no longer a slave to my feelings. I can make a choice to "do the next right thing". To make it even clearer and simpler, all I have to remember is CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION always becomes the "next right thing" because it never fails.


Very profound, Paul!
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