Where I am today

[Jools]

Hello again,

Thanks for the congrats and your insight. It's well appreciated.

I mentioned to a friend of mine that I began my 4th yesterday. Read in the BB first, then got down to business. The thing is, I looked back over my life and thought and thought, but I don't have that many resentments. The usual family stuff and a few childish things. I want to be thorough and not leave anything out, but I can't make myself have resentments.

I'm gonna have another crack at it tonight, hopefully God will show me what I've missed.

Julie

[Dallas]

Build that Arch well. And don't wait around on it. Things are better on the other side.

Great sharing!!!

As I struggled through the Steps -- I had no idea that my procrastination was keeping me crazy, restless, irritable, miserable, and a 1/16th of an inch away from my next drinking binge -- that would most probably end any of my hopes for sobriety and/or life... drinking or sober.

And, once I got to the other side of the Steps -- the experience was so amazing -- and wonderful -- that I couldn't figure out "WHY" did I wait so long to do this????

In a way, I felt like it was a similar experience to drinking... If I had known drinking could have made me feel so good... I would have started drinking the alcohol in the hospital that I was born in!!!

Just as I couldn't experience the pleasurable "effects" of just the right amount of alcohol... without taking the drink... I couldn't experience the pleasurable effects of the transformation that would take place without taking the Steps.

And, the great thing about the Steps is -- they keep on giving pleasurable effects as long as I keep practicing them. It just keeps getting better and better and better and better... And, "when it ain't so much better" (as once in a while -- life situations seem to suck"... I know what Steps to take -- the actions to take -- that can turn my experience around to be endured with Serenity and Peace of Mind.

Dallas

[Anja]

In regards to your last post Julie.

When my sponsor suggested to me I do another Fourth Step I was surprised. My sobriety was solid and I felt cleaned out from keeping a daily inventory on my list of to-dos.

I was unsure of what I had at present that needed dealing with. She just smiled and said, "I'm sure you'll come up with something." That rascal!

The answer came to me through others as it so often does. Where did I find myself repeatedly becoming unsettled by certain other people's behavior? A seemingly small glitch in an otherwise serene state. But all too frequent.

Once I read and reread that part about "When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept tht person place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment." I was quick to start recognizing something that I was doing that was engaging another person in a way that would lead to an irritation on my part.

Then it was a matter of examining what the root cause of my part in it was. And there it was - a couple of my old familiar character defects busy at work.! Didn't even know they were there.

Now that quote from the BB, Pg. 417 in my edition, hangs on my refrigerator and I glance at it everyday. But like most things I see daily, after a while it has little meaning to me.

I never fail to be startled at how the answers can be right there in front of my face and how complacency or familiarity can cause me to to read the words, think I understand them and totally miss the point!

[Jools]

I'm not procrastinating.

Allow me to reiterate. I said I don't have that many resentments and I found it odd because of how angry I am. I'm afraid that I'm not being thorough.

[Anja]

Good luck on this.

I think it's natural for us to feel stuck when we've been working so hard to keep ourselves healthy.

And our addict self has a strong resistance to looking for flaws. It's deadly to "him!"

I picked up a Fourth Step inventory to try to kick-start myself and read the words there of one woman's sponsor who said something to the effect that she heard so much guilt in the sponsee's step that she didn't think she was ready to do it yet. That seemed odd to me.

Yet I found my addict self wanting to run with that. I thought of saying to my sponsor that I didn't think I was ready to do another Fourth Step. Shortly after that I wondered why I would want to opt out to something intended to help me improve myself.

I thought to tell her it didn't seem necessary right now. Since my mind had become focused on these defects of character I had noticed a decline in the behaviors and thought perhaps the issue was already resolving itself through self-discipline. Busy brain still fudging on directness.

Then I remembered the "other person" aspect of it all and realized that I really didn't want to tell another person! I was trying to do it my own way. Again.

It's still nothing really but an annoying habit I've developed. No big deal in the scheme of things. Someone who's not an alcoholic would probably not even have to deal with it. But what is the big deal is that I still have that addict's need to keep secrets. That's a pattern that can be transferred over to my behavior in ways that can feed my addiction and lead to relapse.

Don't know if any of this is helpful. Sounds like you are trying to get this right for what you need. Maybe that light bulb will come on in time.

Again, I'd suggest looking at times when another's behavior is annoying to you.

[Dallas]

my procrastination

Just being sure that we know that I talk about me and not anyone else. I wasn't suggesting that procrastination was anyone elses problem.

[sunlight]

Bill wrote:

"We reacted more strongly to frustrations than normal people. By reliving these episodes and discussing them in strict confidence with somebody else, we can reduce their size and therefore their potency in the unconscious" (letter 1957)

This is what I did in my 1st 4th step and what I pass on to others:

I found a quiet, comfortable place where I could be totally relaxed & undisturbed. Then, I went back in memory to everyone I could remember in my life , starting with early childhood. I'd recall occasions where we were together and relive them in my mind. Then, I'd pay close attention to my body. Was I tense when I thought of this person? Did I frown? Did my breathing accelerate, my heart beat faster? Did I feel hot, want to jump out of my skin, crawl in a hole?

Each person that gave me a physical reaction that was less than pleasant, I jotted down. I didn't try to figure anything out or analyze it, just go on to the next person & so on. Later, I took a closer look at the ones that I reacted to & if I couldn't make out why, I'd discuss it with my sponsor.

I've found that my body has a wisdom that totally bypasses my conscious mind! It's aware of things that my mind hasn't comprehended yet. I have learned to pay attention to it!

Once I was hiking & my body began to tingle all over. (No, I was alone. No romance! ) I didn't understand it till I walked about 10 more feet & saw a rattlesnake So, this can have practical applications besides the 4th step!

It's been useful for me & others. I wouldn't worry too much about not having "enough" resentments. Just do the best you can as honestly as you can. More is always revealed!

[Jools]

Thank you, Sun! That helped a lot.

Love ya girl,
Julie

Just being sure that we know that I talk about me and not anyone else. I wasn't suggesting that procrastination was anyone elses problem.

I'm sorry, Dallas. I'm feeling overly sensitive lately.

[garden variety]

Sunlight,

That is an excellent approach to the 4th step. Absolutely fantastic! You've helped me today!

Paul