I believe itâ€™s normal that we have a desire to be recognized. The desire to be someone. To achieve some thing. To be known amongst society and friends as a worthy and contributing member.
Growing up with feelings of Less-Than, I tried hard to achieve the unachievable. To prove that I was enough. But, it seemed as though the harder I tried â€” with each new achievement â€” it still wasnâ€™t enough. I felt as though there was a huge empty hole inside me and the cold wind was always blowing through it. If only I could achieve enough â€” I thought I could plug the hole. My desire for promenence, leadership, achievement, recognition, control, power and wealth became an obsession. It became my focus. I no longer looked at the empty hole â€” I only looked at filling it. And, I did this, until the obession began to destroy all sense of contentment and peace within. Restless, irritable and discontented â€” I then began to self-medicate my feelings of personal inadequacy. Feeling guilt and remorse at my failures. Isolating in my own misery.
It wasnâ€™t until I lost it all â€” that I gained it all. And, when I read the following, from the book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, I relate and identify with it. Today, I feel as though I have found what I was looking for â€” the thing that had always eluded me.
â€œNot many of us can be leaders of prominence, nor do we wish to be. Service, gladly rendered, obligations squarely met, troubles well accepted or solved with Godâ€™s help, the knowledge that at home or in the world outside we are partners in a common effort, the well-understood fact that in Godâ€™s sight all human beings are important, the proof that love freely given surely brings a full return, the certainty that we are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, the surety that we need no longer be square pegs in round holes but can fit and belong in Godâ€™s scheme of thingsâ€“these are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of right living for which no amount of pomp and circumstance, no heap of material possessions, could possibly be substitutes. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.â€