As a good Alk, I did not read other's posts. It is still all about me. I will read when it hurts enough. Pain is still the only motivator at 3 years, 7 months and 10 days.
I am looking for complete approval, utter security and perfect romance. Anything short of that, I bitch, morn and hurt myself and others. This ultra sensitivity I have, can be the greatest gift to all humanity. I see a glimpse of that fact time to time. But most of the times, it is major crack and blow up waiting to happen.
I see emotional sobriety as a key to long term sobriety. I must have it if I want to live a long and useful life. I know others in the rooms see it differently. Some said he was just happy not drinking for the last 13 years, and we think too much, too deep, too often. He did mention some of us are still grandiose.
I agree some. He went to jail for unpaid child support, constantly fought with his long term girl friend in program. I dunno, but I do not want what he has.
I do not think I can be happy, joyous and free all the time. It took me more than 3 years to realize that is not the reality, no matter how many 4 and 5 I done, how many drunks I sponsor, 18 meetings a week with full time job. That is not happening. I do have moments of happy, joyous and free feelings. That is not even long enough to be a state.
Contentment, that is what I am after. I am emotionally challenged. That is my state. Restless, irritable and discontent. That is my natural state. Unaided with my own devices. I start from there. Then I look for the connection, one Alk talking to another honestly, then this feeling of it is going to be ok and I am not alone comes. Then the fear slips away. So I face another day without Vodka. About a year and half later, the feeling turns to conviction, then into gratitude, then into faith. I am somewhere between gratitude and faith. I have a feeling my life might be ok after all. It is just a hunch at this point. It is getting stronger though. I feel it.