by Tim » Mon Dec 12, 2005 1:15 am
I stopped drinking and continued in sobriety for some time under the strong lash of my fear of returning to the alcohol that I was powerless over.
As recovery continued, I discovered that alcohol was only the symptom of a deeper problem. The fundamental problem was me. I wanted to manage my own life and sought out every opportunity to control the world around me.
As I looked at my fears they all had a common theme: self-centeredness. I fought for my rights, nursed my resentments, and spent huge chunks of time enveloped in self-pity.
God has slowly chipped away at my illusions of self-importance and is helping me to see that doing his will works out better than doing my will. As C S Lewis writes, We either say to God, Thy will be done, or he says to us, Okay then, go ahead and have it your way.I've had it my way and it ain't a pretty sight.
The hardest part of recovery for me is that I would rather be God, than trust God. Fear hits me when I begin to realize that I'm not God. In my pride, I would rather cling to the wreckage of my own unmanagability. But it is only when I let go of the control that I never really had to begin with, and let God be in charge of his world, that I can begin to experience contentment.
Make of this what your will.
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