Hi everyone. Insomnia is back so I thought I would make time to check out some posts. I know I've been really bad but I've had my world turned upside down this last couple of months but I'll go into that in a different thread.
As soon as I read this thread I knew I just had to respond. The #1 thing I did differently in 2005 was to stay sober. When I read this thread it made me stop and think and low and behold I really didn't do anything else differently. I've been going to meetings, have had 2 sponsors and now on my 3rd, got a home group which I had to change when I moved and I became active but had to stop because of mobility problems.
Just over the last couple of months I have learned that I only skimmed the surface in my 4th step and have joined a new step study with a group of women with similar backgrounds and facilitator with 18 years sobriety.
I realized that my sponsor had lied to me, manipulated me, broke my confidence many times and definately wasn't working the program outside the AA rooms. Over the holidays when I needed her the most she was very unavailable, taking 3-4 days to return phone calls (no it was'nt because of holiday committments, it was the new boyfreind which is the 3rd btw). So I got a new sponsor.
Since my last MS attack I have been unable to drive so I have had to depend on others for a ride and have been going to new meetings (which I probably should have done right after I moved). I've met a ton of new people with lots of years of sobriety. Now I see people actually living the program. What a difference.
I was so desperate when I came to AA on Feb 14, 2005 that I latched on to who ever would have me. Those same people that supporting me all through 2005 turned on me in the end. I felt so broken that I didn't see what was happening all along. I'm usually smarter than that and definately more careful about who I trust. I just felt so comfortable with that group and they accepted me for who I am so it made it easy to put my guard down.
Plus I was still recouperating from a 2 week stay in the hospital after a MS attack that left me totally disabled.
Needless to say I was on one major pity party over the holidays. Slowly but surely, with the help of my new sponsor I pulled my head out of my ass and started asking for help. The more I asked, the more I got and the less I needed. Funny how that works. So I can't tell you what I did differently in 2005 but I can tell you what I learned.
1. There is only one person you can trust 100% and that is your higher power, everyone else is human.
2. Don't rush into getting a sponsor. Pick someone with a good solid amount of sober time and is actually living the program. Get lots of number for support and talk to as many as you can like you are doing an interview. A sponsor can make or break you. Pick someone who has what you want.
3. First things first. I have to learn to look after me, body, mind and soul. I can be of no use to anyone until I get healthy myself. I've been told that learning to love myself causes a ripple effect and others will love me too. If I can't learn to love myself then how could I possibly know how to love someone else. (still working on this one)
4. My state of mind affects my state of health. I need to always be possitive no matter what happens with my health because when I get stressed, my symptoms get worse.
5. When I change my perspective of things, things change
6. God grant me wisdom to accept the people I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know when it's me.
I have no control over people, places and things. I need to learn how to set boundries to avoid becoming a victim again. No more 'what if' 'if only' or making excuses for someone else. I deserve to be treated with respect and I can earn it rather than demand it. It's all about setting boundries--what I'm willing to accept and not accept in my life and stop trying to change people to suit me.
There is so much more I have learned and so much more for me to learn. As soon as I think 'I got it' something happens and I find I don't. But I think I'm on the right track again and headed in the right direction.
I'm glad 2005 is over and looking forward to a much better year in 2006. This year I will listen more and question less. My mother use to say when you stop learning you stop living and boy do I have alot to learn. Someday someone will want what I have so I have to get it right.
Well I've babbled on enough. Good to be back