I am an alcoholic that likes to end things when somebody hurts my feelings. Hence, it is a true wonder that my boyfriend is still with me. He is NOT an alcoholic, just a normal weird human being, doing the best he can. Anyway, yesterday, I was blithely talking to him, saying that when you get into healthy lifestyle, the stuff that's bad for you loses it's appeal... I was referring to the fact that I'm smoking less cigarettes since I just really got into making fruit juices in my blender and juice machine. ANYWAY - I was taken aback, and really hurt when he just looked at me point blank, and said BS (used whole word)... and I was stunned. I looked at him, saying nothing and he said, 'what?' I realize he felt he was being funny, but I didn't appreciate that he didn't see how he hurt my feelings. Later, I said, 'do you think we should just end things?' And he says, 'no, why?' So, later I went for a drive. Thought about things. I realize that so many times, I fall short, in my moral inventory. I am one of the more selfish people I know. I fail, so many times at things like humor, and empathy. It's taking me forever to realize that sayings like, 'our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others, and how we might meet their needs.' (possible misquote, from BB, but essentially it). So, I thought how, on moral inventory, the idea of morals is so we can function in society as a society, with the well-being of all in mind - NOT JUST ME!!!
Anyway, this whole thing got me into pretty morbid state of mind, as I felt I was plummeting into an emotional cesspool. So, I finally call my sponsor. SHE WAS THERE!!
I did speak to my sponsor, and even though she refused to throw rocks at my b/f, I could appreciate what she had to say. She has always been there, and helps me get on track. What she does is essentially allow me to express myself, as I try to restore myself to sanity. I mean, when I am ready to chuck relationships, I believe my disease is acting out. When I'm in the midst of troubling emotions one of the first things I do, is try to get rid of the 'source' out there. I don't always realize that the problem is within me, and my reactions.
I am posting this incident, because I wonder if anybody else finds themselves likewise ready to ditch their beloveds (I'm sure there are), but also, I rarely hear talk about what I refer to as an emotional cesspool, and it's residual hangover.
Needless to say, the day was bleak, and today is a new day. But I was wondering if anybody had any feedback.