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Trust




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Trust

Postby cinderbobble » Sat May 13, 2006 1:47 pm

I am an alcoholic that likes to end things when somebody hurts my feelings. Hence, it is a true wonder that my boyfriend is still with me. He is NOT an alcoholic, just a normal weird human being, doing the best he can. Anyway, yesterday, I was blithely talking to him, saying that when you get into healthy lifestyle, the stuff that's bad for you loses it's appeal... I was referring to the fact that I'm smoking less cigarettes since I just really got into making fruit juices in my blender and juice machine. ANYWAY - I was taken aback, and really hurt when he just looked at me point blank, and said BS (used whole word)... and I was stunned. I looked at him, saying nothing and he said, 'what?' I realize he felt he was being funny, but I didn't appreciate that he didn't see how he hurt my feelings. Later, I said, 'do you think we should just end things?' And he says, 'no, why?' So, later I went for a drive. Thought about things. I realize that so many times, I fall short, in my moral inventory. I am one of the more selfish people I know. I fail, so many times at things like humor, and empathy. It's taking me forever to realize that sayings like, 'our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others, and how we might meet their needs.' (possible misquote, from BB, but essentially it). So, I thought how, on moral inventory, the idea of morals is so we can function in society as a society, with the well-being of all in mind - NOT JUST ME!!!

Anyway, this whole thing got me into pretty morbid state of mind, as I felt I was plummeting into an emotional cesspool. So, I finally call my sponsor. SHE WAS THERE!!

I did speak to my sponsor, and even though she refused to throw rocks at my b/f, I could appreciate what she had to say. She has always been there, and helps me get on track. What she does is essentially allow me to express myself, as I try to restore myself to sanity. I mean, when I am ready to chuck relationships, I believe my disease is acting out. When I'm in the midst of troubling emotions one of the first things I do, is try to get rid of the 'source' out there. I don't always realize that the problem is within me, and my reactions.

I am posting this incident, because I wonder if anybody else finds themselves likewise ready to ditch their beloveds (I'm sure there are), but also, I rarely hear talk about what I refer to as an emotional cesspool, and it's residual hangover.

Needless to say, the day was bleak, and today is a new day. But I was wondering if anybody had any feedback. :roll:
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Oh, my.

Postby wareagle10 » Sat May 13, 2006 2:03 pm

Hey Cinder; Geez, are you kidding. We are the most self centered, selfish and easily hurt people there are, I believe. I get my feelings hurt all the time, I usually go off somewhere and pout the situation into anger and then self destruction.

I'm an old guy, lots of wrinkles (they don't hurt thank goodness) and grey hair. I've been married for almost 45 years to the same woman. How many times have I said, "that's it, it's over I'm leaving. Call the lawyer and let's divide the crap and we'll just go our separate ways." Well, as you can see 45 years later here I am and so is she. We are so easily hurt and usually it IS our fault for taking a hangnail to an amputation. We have our nerve endings stretched out so that anybody, anywhere at any time can step on them without ever knowing what the hell they did or said. Your boyfriend probably didn't mean anything at all with BS statement, and, perhaps was trying to be funny or humorous. You might take a look at what was going on at the moment and what YOU EXPECTED HIM TO SAY THAT HE DIDN'T. I get my feelings hurt when my expectations are not met, no matter how small or trivial they may be, and, if I don't get them in check I will blow them way out of proportion. My folks used to say, "make a mountain out of a mole hill".

I am sure that you have a good boyfriend that wouldn't deliberately try to hurt you feelings and that it was not what you expected. Let it go and take a walk outside, if its sunny, enjoy it, if its raining, enjoy it, if the birds are out, enjoy them. In other words, this doesn't sound big enough to turn a good day into a bad one, if the IRS was after you then that's another issue, be glad to share some anger on that one. Gotta go, I just pushed one of my buttons, gotta take a walk and take some of my own advice.

You take care and straight ahead, John.
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Postby cinderbobble » Sat May 13, 2006 3:31 pm

Thank you for your reply. I have been really needing a knock on the noggin lately, and a healthy dose of truth always works! (well, that is, when I am willing to let it in! :oops: )... Anyway, yes, I agree, I had expectations. And, my eeerie mind has been working overtime to get me back into the disease state again!
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Self centered, ME

Postby 918gma » Sat May 13, 2006 8:18 pm

You must be joking. LOL. Oh how good it was to hear that I am not the only one that totally overreacts to the simplest statement from a loved one, or any one for that matter.
I have always gaged and judged people by my own thought process. Of course when you take into consideration that one of the first things I discovered in sobriety was that I'm nuts, it doesn't make a lot of sense for me to even try to figure out shat some one else thinks of me.
As far as thinking about others, I still tend to have ulterior motives. Even now from time to time. I am either waiting for the accolades, or figuring out whats in it for me.
Thank you so much, and welcoome to our humble group.
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Postby cinderbobble » Sun May 14, 2006 5:11 am

:shock: Well! That's nice! Laugh at my problems! (actually I really do know that you are laughing with me, hence, the faux shock :wink: ). Anyway, it is so funny, but when you are in those depths of morbidity, or should I say, I am in those depths - that I really think that I, am the ONLY one who ever reached those depths. Thank you for your response. I am better today, and I think that things are back on track. I have talked things out with my sponsor, and my b/f. It is truly humbling to know that people can be so forgiving, when I go off the deep end like that. I hope that one day, I will quit qcting out those fears. But, as I read somewhere on this board, we get to be here, WARTS 'N ALL! :oops: :? :oops: :twisted:
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Postby Dallas » Sun May 14, 2006 3:24 pm

This topic ties in very nicely with my reading and thoughts, this morning, on Step 3, page 60-63, Big Book. In Step 3, I'm learning what not to do... learning about the things that I know are not God's will for me.

In similar situations... myself... I know that when I do the things mentioned in Step 3, they harm me, they harm others, they disturb me and they distrurb others... they affect my relationship with myself, with God, and with others... most often, the others that I care about the most.

In Step 3, I'm making a decision "not to do those things anymore." (re: the things mentioned on pages 60-63).

But, how can I stop doing them?

I remember the first time that I was considering taking Step 3, my fears were "Well... what if I find out what God's will is for me... and I don't want to do it?" I also had the fear of "What if I find out whats "not" God's will for me... and I don't want to stop doing it?"

Gee!!! What a predicament I was in! I could go on running my life, and running it just like "I" wanted to do (you know... like me being God)... and doing all my stuff... and end up on the bottle again! That sucked!

So, it was much like I was in a double-bind. How could I ever possibly be happy... if I didn't want to stop doing what God wanted me to stop doing... and all those things were giving me the illusion that they would make me happy? It didn't occur to me that I would also be not-happy, not-joyous, and not-free!

And, the confusion!!! My head was trying to process "Well... what is God's will for me... to do"? What if I don't want "to do" it, when I find out what it is? (Of course, I wouldn't learn what He wanted me "to do" until I reached Steps 10, 11 and 12).

It would have made making my decision much easier... if I would have looked on pages 60-63, and ask myself "Am I willing to stop doing these things?" (Page 63, does say "We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him").

Hmmmm. Even if I wanted to "stop doing what God didn't want me to do" how the heck am I going to pull that off? I don't seem to have the power and ability to do that! I've tried it before! ..... That's when I was reminded of Step 2... I would need His Power and His help to do it!

"God... help me to know the things that must be changed... the things that I must change... and give me the power to do it. And, God... please let me know when I'm trying to change something that I should be accepting."

I guess... that's called surrender? It's very humbling to me, to think that I need His help to do any of this stuff!!! And, that without Him, I can't do any of it!

Thanks for letting me share!

Dallas
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Postby cinderbobble » Sun May 14, 2006 4:05 pm

This is so great! So appropro! Love it! BTW! Happy Mother's Day! It is such a beautiful sunshiney day, that all I want to do is hang out!

I will be gone again for my work, for a week. Be sure to know, if you will, that I will be thinking of this board.

I open this morning's meeting, and I will be reading from page 60-63! Thanks for your input! It truly is like a mini-meeting!
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Postby Dallas » Sun May 14, 2006 8:32 pm

Hey Cinderbobble, have a safe trip. Keep your eyes open for yard sales where someone may be selling a laptop PC real cheap so that you can keep connected with us on your trips.... You may get through the week okay... but I'll have some withdrawals going on in regards to not reading your daily messages!!! So... I'll be thinking of you, also!

BTW: Hurry back!!!

Hope you had a great meeting. And, that your work is going well.

Dallas
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