- Defects of character ? Who, me...?

Defects of character ? Who, me...?




Discussions related to 12 Step Recovery and Treatment

Defects of character ? Who, me...?

Postby Dallas » Wed Aug 24, 2005 4:28 pm

Defects of character ? Who, me...?

What do you conceive to be your defects of character – as you see them today?

When I first did Steps 4-7, my sponsor had me hang on to a list of my problems and character defects as I saw them at the time. He said that in one year, we would go over the list and see how many of them remained or changed.

To my surprise, most of them were gone... and new one's or new forms of the old ones had taken their place. All of the problems were new and none of the old problems remained.

The question is: "What do you conceive to be your defects of character.... as you see them... today"

Who has enough courage to start the sharing on this topic? :roll:

Thank you, to those who have the guts to do it!!! :lol:


Dallas
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Postby crickit » Wed Aug 24, 2005 11:06 pm

Ok, I'll start. I'm still working through my 4th step so I have a lot of character defects but this is one that is a very common thread through all of my resentments.

All through my life when something bad has happened I've ran. When I couldn't deal with things at home as a child I ran at 15. When I felt that someone had wronged me I ran. When I felt my first husband didn't love me enough, I ran. When I felt that my family was critisizing me I ran. When a freind got too close to knowing me I ran. Not once did I confront the person I was upset with and try to talk to them about what was bothering me. I constantly felt like I had done something wrong to deserve the treatment I was getting. Especially now with my son not talking to me and my husband leaving me somewhere inside I feel like I must be a terrible person. Over the years it got to the point that I would never let anyone get too close and if they did I was gone and of course blamed them. I have a huge problem with trust because I've been hurt so many times. I felt I had to be super mom, super wife, super employee, super freind to make up for what an awful person I really was. If someone was being nice to me there had to be a reason. They must want something from me. And of course I could never say no and everyone knew that and took advantage of it. So I spent a very long time doing everything for everyone to try to make myself feel better. And low and behold when the parties stopped and I became disabled, where did everybody go. I felt so alone.

So 6 months into the program I'm trying really hard not to be so insecure. I'm working on the resentments I've had with my family and trying to make amends the best I can. My husband and son are the only ones left that try to get to me with there anger but I'm getting better at letting that go. I know I'm doing the best I can right now. Now I am able to give without expecting anything in return. If I get negative input from someone I question it with love instead of holding it in until it eats away at my soul. I still have a hard time accepting possitive input but it's something I would sure like to get use to LOL. I never want to live behind that wall again. I know I've made a lot of mistakes but I am a good person. It's not up to me to make everyone in my family happy. I can only do the best I can and I will be here if they need me always. But now I realize they have there own problems that I can't make go away. I'm not God. I can't be everything to everybody but that just makes me human. It seems like the only people that understand that are the people I've met in AA.

Anway, I've ramble on again LOL. So the charactor defect that I'm working on is running from confrontation and accepting people being nice to me. Isn't that strange. Just as I read this last sentence I realized that I have a hard time accepting possitive and negative at the same time. Geez, I'm going to have to think about that one some more.

Well I hope I made sense. I'm too tired to read it over before I send it. I think I'm going to lay down for a while and then get some more packing done. 3 more days to go.

BRIGHT BLESSINGS
Crickit
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Postby crickit » Thu Sep 08, 2005 5:01 pm

WOW, no one has any defects of charactor. That's great. Just kidding. I know it's sometimes hard to talk about the bad parts of us. The part that we try to keep hidden. But that's the part that eats us up the most. I am still working on my 4th step and would be really interested in what others have found out about themselves. I was just told a couple of weeks ago that I am far to accepting and naive which is why I end up getting dumped on all the time. I thought about that one for a while and realized that my defect was taking it personally. I had stopped giving because I was building up resentments but that made me feel worse. So now, I can give freely without expectations. The defect I will ask to be removed is the expectation that it will always be appreciated or reciprocated. That's not part of my inventory LOL.

I will go to any length to achieve serenity and my higher power alows that to happen by helping me change my perspective. What I receive in my heart by giving is far greater than any individual person could ever give me.

HAPPY 24 HOURS
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Defects

Postby JR » Sun Sep 11, 2005 2:51 pm

Okay, I'm on step 2, but I couldn't resist responding to this topic.

My worst character defect is PRIDE. Pride allows me to practice all the other defects and think it is okay, because I'm ME!!! Don't you know who I am (LOL).

I was told many years ago that pride is an inordinate appraisal of oneself. So, if I think I am 'better than' I am practicing pride or if I think I am 'less than' I am also practicing a form of pride.

Pride allows me to have resentments, because things would just be so much better if they just did it my way. Pride allows me to have perfectionist ideas that I can never live up to so that I am a constant disappointment to myself.

It used to be a common saying in AA that an alcoholic is an ego-maniac with an inferiority complex. That pretty much describes me when I am not taking daily action to keep my ego in check.

My next worst defect is SLOTH, which allows me to put off doing anything about my defects of character. No wonder I need to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.

Anyway, back to step 2 for me.

JR
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