When I came into AA I had a great desire to have God in my life but I knew I didn't. The first step into honesty I had. I knew all about God and had lots of religious training. My problem was I had built so many prejudices against God and religion that I was blocked. It was like living in a void. Every time I looked at things I would become confused and angry, so I just turned away once again and increased my rebellion against all things good. I drank to kill the pain of my intolerable situation.
When I came to AA I meet a man who talked to me about how he had been blocked from God and told me of how he was able to reconnect with life and a power that had smoothed the way for peace within himself.One of the things he said that I understood was that he had buried the God he brought to AA because that God had never worked for him. Interesting I thought. He said that AA had a way outlined in the Big Book that would help me develope a belief in a higher power that MIGHT work for me. It had worked for him so I was willing to take a chance that it would work for me. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. He said that the steps are only suggested to someone that is investigating AA. That if I wanted to recover by using the AA program that it is no longer suggested but that CLEAR CUT DIRECTIONS ARE GIVEN ( pg 29) was I willing to follow those directions?
He asked if I would trust the process and I agreed to. He told me that if I would do the things outlined in the Big Book he would help me. His words were we will do AA and leave BB alone. BB was anything outside of AA. No extra reading out of other books, no church, nothing else. I agreed . He also talked about slowing myself down. I couldn't have it all today. Again he spoke of developing a relationship with a higher power. He asked if I would simply read 2 pages of the Big Book each day, understand what was being discussed, do what was asked of me and Meet him each day and talk about what was going on in my life. He asked if I would do things even if I didn't believe they would work. He told me that when he talked I would listen and that when I talked he would listen. No interupting each other. We would never tell the other that what they believed was wrong. Simple discipline.
We started. I read my 2 pages, I meet with him daily and we talked about what AA was asking me to do and I simply did them. Lack of Power was my dilemma. Nothing more or less. THAT WAS IT!!!!! I really didn't have anything in my life I could turn to for strength and hope. I started my recovery by being willing to believe (AGAIN THE TRUTH I didn't have a higher power but I was willing to go forward). We kept reading and doing the work. 2 pages a day.
Somewhere within the next 60 or so days I noticed things were happening. I could sleep at night, I was saying the prayers in the book, I wasn't afraid to let other people see me asking this power for help, I was talking outloud about this thing that was happening, I had gained the courage to face my life as it really was. I was developing a relationship with God. WOW I thought. My prejudices were melting away, the blocks were being removed, I was becoming happy and at peace with the world.
Each step removed more. I need to say here that at one point I misread my book. On page 46 the book states 'Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficent to make the approach and to effect a contact with him" Welllllll I misread the word contact and thought it said contract. So I made a contract with God and that was that if he would take the next drink for me I would take the next one for him. We haven't broken that contract Yet. Sometimes misreading something isn't bad. LOL
End results of doing what the Big Book said is that today I have God in my life. He is exactly what I always wanted. After completing the steps as outlined in the Big Book my friend suggested that now I might want to reunite with my church, I might want to read some of those other books and explore more avenues for my spirital growth.
Today I see the beauty in life and in the people around me. I have a brain that functions in a sane way. I do not crave the drink ( only think about it when talking to another person about recovery) I have faith and courage to face my life as it really is, I asked God for help each day, I have compassion for mankind. I still read 2 pages of the Big Book each day and try to understand what is being asked of me and do the work layed out. Action and more action. WE are still walking forward. Join us as we trudge (march steadly forward) the road of happy destiney.
There is a prayer I say each day. It's not so much the saying of the prayer that is important but more in the believing it. That prayer is
THANK YOU FOR THE OPPOTUNITIES OF THIS DAY. I NOW ASK THAT YOU PLACE BEFORE ME ONLY THE THINGS THAT YOU AND I TOGETHER CAN HANDLE. If something comes my way today it is because today is the day god said I can take care of it with his help. I no longer walk alone
Follow the directions of the Big Book and you to may find a power that you are searching for.
PEACE and LOVE