Thanks for sharing Robert!
I'm sharing about my experience... without commenting on what you shared... so, hopefully... it will be okay for me to do that, without anyone getting nerved up about it.
The ONLY thing that worked for me... to get me ready... was whiskey!
I so relate to Chapter 3, More about alcoholism, And, Chapter 2, There is a Solution, and to Chapter 1, Bill's story.... And, it's funny, how I didn't understand what I was reading until I had been sober for a while... and could see... that they had written that as "My Story!"
Now, I was sober the first time I read it... and didn't get it. Then, when I went back to drinking and read it... It made more sense to me! Then, after I got sober and stayed sober for a while... I understood it better, as it applied to me!
I can't comment on it in regards to what I did or didn't get the first time I read it when I was sober... because I don't remember!
But, when I was drinking whiskey are read it... it made so much more sense to me! "If you're not ready for this deal -- keep drinking!"
I liked that idea! Funny, sometimes... how something I like to do is actually the best thing I can be doing! It's not supposed to work that way!
(Today, as I look back on it... my thinking was always better when I was drinking... it was when I'd get sober that my thinking was always so screwed up!)
It's also funny... that I remember, the first time sober in AA, I remember guys telling me... "If you're not ready to do this deal -- you haven't had enough to drink!" I thought! How odd? Those guys must just want to get rid of me!!! But, they were right... about it. And, they didn't want to get rid of me... they just knew how it worked, because they were sober and had already tried all the things that I was going to have to try before I could get it to! In regards to "being ready!"
I believe that the greatest gift that God has given to me -- is the ability to be aware of my pain and suffering... and my pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization... not in association to my drinking -- but in association with my "being sober!"
When I was drinking... I could handle the pain and suffering. Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization didn't bother me so much when I was drinking. If I was drinking, I could puke in your face or puke on your shoes, or your carpet, or your bed... and it didn't phase me at all!
It was when I was sober -- that it bothered me!
So, I could see that the suggestions in the Big Book were written specifically for me... and no one else! I read... and understood... "If you're not ready to do the deal... do some more drinking!" What a wonderful idea that was! (For me).
It wasn't knowledge about stuff that made me ready to "do the deal"... it was whiskey that made me ready to do the deal!
It was the awareness of my condition while sober... the pain, suffering, pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, feelings of self-pity, depression, anxiety, the dissatisfaction, the irritableness, the terror and unmanageability -- while sober -- that made me ready to do the deal.
When I first heard someone in AA suggest from a podium... "Hey! If you're new... I wish you pain! Because until you've decided you have had enough pain... you're just going to go back to drinking anyway! You're not going to do this deal until you feel enough pain! Pain is God's gift to the alcoholic!"
I thought it was absurd! But, after I finally sobered up... this time, I can now see that he was so right about it!
He was able to share that with me -- because of his experience. You see, I figured out that -- it's not about him being like me -- the real deal is -- I'm like him! And, I didn't even know it!"
So, for me??? I thank God for all the pain that it took... to get me to start getting to get to where I am today! Sober and comfortable. Sober... without the pain and suffering.
Alcoholism is a dis-ease of perception... I learned this when I read the Dr.'s Opinion... and I could see that "he was writing about me!"
I couldn't tell the difference between what was right and wrong for me... I couldn't tell what was true or false... for me, the right that I would choose for me always turned out to be the wrong thing for me... and the things that I was so positive that were wrong for me... turned out to be the things that were right for me.
But, I couldn't see that,and I couldn't understand that, until "after" I experienced the psychic change that the Dr. was writing about.
This to me, is what made my alcoholism so grave and fatal. My head was telling me -- while I was sober -- that to turn right was turning left -- and turning left -- was turning actually right. So, I was lost... with no hope of ever finding my way.
My sober head would say "Do this and you'll get better"... and I would "do this" and get worse... And, my head would say "Don't do that... you'll get worse"... and I would do that ... and I got better!
Cunning. Baffling. Powerful. When, sober!
I remember I used to hear preacher's say to me "you can't understand spiritual things until AFTER you have had a spiritual experience!"
I "thought" they were telling me "you can't have spiritual experiences until you understand it"... and that wasn't what they were saying at all!
That memory of what those preachers told me, made sense to me, after I got through the 12 Steps...
Thanks for allowing me to share MY experience! And, how it workED for me!