It is only my intention to share my experience with you--that is all.
"Something" happened to me, and "at once". It was literally in the middle of the night, Nov. 16, 2000. The entire train had all finally stopped crashing into my back-side, and I was done
. I couldn't keep it (the act) up any longer. I was beyond seeing double, everything around me was a head-spinning blur. What I had been doing was pulling myself/crawling down the hallway to the bedroom, and on this night, I didn't even have the coordination to do even that. What a mess...what a mess I was, and what a mess things were. I sat on the couch, and my entire body was weaving in circles. "Somehow"....? A little teeny-tiny drop of an ounce/ a flickering of a thought occured...here it was, my 33rd birthday (Nov.16 is my real birthday)...I thought of an uncle who had passed away suddenly when I was about 8--he had just turned 33 the day before he died, he had 2 daughters, ages 6 and 3---here I
was at 33, with 2 daughters, ages 6 and 3....just where
was I headed? Deep down--I knew. Right there, there was a painful jolt of reality. I was dying, and I was bringing it on. I can't recall the exact thoughts ### I was drunk
--but I do recall how these little, teeny-tiny...fleeting thoughts seemed to occur in 'shots'. The next thought was that Jesus was 33 when he
. Where were these thoughts coming from? I wasn't in any state or shape to be having any
logical thoughts. I'd drank myself into not being able to even get up off that couch?? "Something" was happening...to me. (If it was an alcoholic hallucination, so-be-it...it WORKED.) Then...it were as though the back of my head was gripped by a hand, I even physically looked, even though I knew no one was standing beside me--I looked anyway. At once, "something" happened. I could see ONE of everything, and clearly.
The thought occured: hee-eey...I'm way too drunk for this, what's goin' on here? I wasn't weaving in circles anymore either, in fact...I stood up-solid...and again, I was dumbfounded
. What-the-heck-is-going-on here??
be drunk (duh..); I must
be hallucinating...cuz, this was something physical that was happening that I did not understand, nor believe myself, even as
it was happening. I looked up at the ceiling and I don't know if I said it outloud, but, I said: okay...ya got my attention. What now? What do I do? Things need to turn around here, but I don't know where to even start. I was moved--to start writing and come clean. I wrote, and I wrote...all these confessions and admissions to my husband of what I'd done (and not done), what I'd been hiding. I put it all on the table (literally). When I was done, I looked up and I asked: are You sure about this...cuz now
things are gonna get ugly (as if they weren't already). I didn't know what "it" was then, I know now that what I was experiencing was "conscious contact". I knew NOTHING
about AA, other than its existence. I didn't know what I was doing, but I was doing
, with a "power" that was not my own. Things did get extremely extremely
ugly, but all along, there was this invisible presence. I would often say: Are You sure about this? Cuz, the crap was, indeed, hitting the fan. I say the next morning, but I was still up..never did go to bed. I was tired and fatigued, but I also had this energy (I think they call it...hmmm...withdrawals???
Gee, ya think?
). My hubby got up, was absolutly furious, went to work slamming the door, the whole 9 yards. I went to the fridge, intending to reach for a beer...the door literally slammed shut out of my hand. That
got my attention
. Time clicked on, yet--this was all one moment it seemed. It was mid-morning when, the thought occured...it was my birthday, instead of "celebrating", I was going to give myself the gift by NOT drinking...no more. I was going to give myself sobriety. How was I going to do that? The thought "mysteriously" occured: call AA. Again, I said to the ceiling: You sure about that? I found the number in the directory--I don't even think I had to search for it...seemed to find it quickly and easily (it does
start with 'A' after all
). Someone answered the phone, and I spilled my guts out. The lady 'kindly' asks me: Would you like to speak with someone in AA?
I pulled the phone away from my ear, and the thought occured to hit it on the table a couple of times
--but I didn't
(already experiencing growth--how about that). "lady", I said, "I'm too drunk for this...I thought you said Alcoholics Anonymous when you answered? I looked at the ceiling...and I shrug
...what the heck are Ya doin' now...good to know You got a sense of humor & all...but...??
. She says I did dial the correct number, but it was an answering service, "would you like me to put you on hold?
I look back now, and I must've already been on my way, cuz--somehow??? I saw the humor in this--even though I didn't let that be known at the time. Uh...ee-eeya? I would like to speak with someone in AA--and I was a little scared, cuz...I'm thinkin'...I don't know how long I'm gonna be thinkin' this is a good idea here. I didn't trust myself as to how long I'd be willing
to wait, but I gave it a shot. I waited...and I waited...
. I hung up cuz--NOW...I had company...some friends pulled up in front of my place. "Someone" was put in front of me--I saw that later. For the next few days, I wasn't thinking very pleasant thoughts about AA...BUT, I was
thinking about AA. That following Sunday...things were still extremely tense at home. Hubby went to work. I got to a point where...I called AA again, and this time...I didn't care if I was put on hold and I didn't care how long either...I was gonna wait (and someone was gonna talk to me, damn it
)...I was gonna wait, and I was gonna be in their
face whether they liked it or not--I didn't care if it was Sunday, I didn't care if I was gonna pull whoever out of their "Sunday School"
. The thoughts weren't pleasant...they were obviously selfish and with attitude for sure--but--at least this attitude was taking me in a different direction. It'd already been 4 days since my last drink--which in itself was a mile-stone. Heck...a second...was a mile-stone
It took a few weeks for any of the AA jargon began to make any sense...or anything simple to make sense to be honest. My only hinge was that I was there--not on my own accord. "Someone" was making me be there. The topic one night was about this Spiritual Experience, a bit was read out of the Dr.'s Opinion, and out of Bill's story (ironically, I did know who Bill W., was, as I'd seen the movie with James Garner---imagine that?
), and, it strikes me then, that this
-what we were reading&discussing, had been what happened. I shared this innocently, and the looks I got were mixed, and puzzling
. After all, isn't this what we were talking about? I didn't get
it, thought I must've misunderstood or something. I apologized when I realized this, as I was sharing, and I stopped, cuz--obviously, I was saying something I shouldn't?? It confused me though, right? Cuz, here's what we were reading??? Then, here
were these looks?? I walked out of that meeting stunned. The lady who adopted herself onto me as my sponsor (didn't know what having a sponsor meant, this lady said I needed one, said she was my sponsor. Okay...), she corners me outside and tells me I'm to only speak generally and whatever else it was she said. I was at a loss. You bet...I look up at the sky and I shrug: You still sure about this? Cuz obviously, something of a sour note has been hit? She leaves, I remain behind to finish my smoke--absolutely dazed. Curt comes out, followed by Tim, and Ray. They ask if I can go for coffee--they didn't want me to not come back, and they suggested-if I had the time--that I listen to what they had to say, and to explain what happened in there. Apparently
, I learned, that such a thing does
occur, but it doesn't happen to everyone. (Oh...didn't know that). They also taught me that, sometimes, these "sudden occurences", sometimes, they happen big, sometimes they happen in smaller fractions, and "warned" me to not be let down in the sense that I may not have another 'big' awakening, it's the softer, quiet ones that help us along in our day. What happens, they taught me, was that some folks-when they hear about these white-light
type of experiences, maybe that hasn't happened to them, then they get frustrated and wonder why this hasn't happened to them--they admitted that such a thing is still 'feeding'(for lack of better word) their own selfishness (jealousy)--that's just where they are in their program. They each, then, shared their own experience(s)-(meaning their "white-light" type) and
their awakenings. They taught me that I can share from that place
--deep down...after all, spirituality comes from within--not with a banner&ticker-tape parade. As well, I was not to dismiss the fact that I did...indeed...reach someone with what I said in a positive light--after all...here we
were, sharing from the same foundation. I learned, too...and I would learn (more will be revealed) more about this as I went along (and kept coming back) about how to decipher who's just coming around because of a judge, or a spouse, or whatever (and hopefully/eventually...they too will come back), and those who really are coming around with the "honest" willingness and intention of sticking around and getting
it. I'd only been around for mere weeks, if that...they reminded me that I didn't have to prove anything to anyone-by the way--but, hearing what I'd said at the meeting told them that my footing was being grounded from a place where it needed to be grounded. I stood a chance at making it....I had to be careful to not thinking I was saved and didn't have to do any work, God (as I understood Him) got me here, it was up to me to do the work, and keep working it--for the rest of my life--IF I wanted to...all I had to be was willing, yes--I had (have) to be willing to stay sober, but I also had (have) to be willing to keep working my program, for the rest of my life--it was up to me as to how long that would be. Of course, none of us ever know how long, but my chances of a longer life are better if I didn't/don't drink. I can miss the small awakenings
looking&waiting for the big experience
. It's about baby steps...we gotta crawl before we can walk--and we take it, just a little--one step...one day at a time. I had, they said, already experienced a growth...it'd been a couple of weeks since my last drink, I was attending meetings, and I was talking, and I was learning--because I was willing-but I tell ya still...none of it was of my own power. No human power could have relieved me
. I don't need the Red Sea to seperate to not experience growth, or God (as I understand Him) for that matter. It can be as simple as deciding-do I want a drink? Or do I want to pick up the phone, or sit down at the computer, or take in a meeting? Did I get it right with the I's dotted and the T's crossed? NOOOO...it's not about spiritual perfection, it's about spiritual growth
. We're not going to get it right every time, or the first time...as long as we are willing to keep at it, keep trying--even in spite of slips...be willing to keep coming back...especially in the wake of a slip. Man!! If you've slipped, you can't let shame and guilt keep you away...if you're lucky enough to have those thoughts--pick yourself back up and get your butt into that meeting. There might not be a "next time" for either the drink or the meeting if you don't.
That's all from me--have a great day...no matter how busy...stop and look at something you find curious, unique, beautiful..humorous. All of this is all around us--we just have to be willing to see it.
Keep on keepin' on kids,
In the spirit of the fellowship,