JaysDad wrote:I was a year sober he had me talking at a Saterday night speakers meeting.I laid awake for about a week and a half trying to put down what I was going to say. I relized that it did not matter how many times I ran it through my head I would not remember it come that night.
Thanks for sharing JaysDad!
That seems to be a common problem that most all of us have experienced. I know that it was for me.
The place that I most dreaded to speak but it was such an honor to speak, was in my Home Group. It seemed to me that the pillars of A.A. all attended my Home Group and at the speaker's meeting, often our speakers were speakers that spoke at A.A. conventions around the world. I felt like such a worm for the months leading up to the date that I was supposed to speak and every time I felt as though I had given the worse A.A. talk in history!
It would literally make me sick thinking about it.... both, before and after the talk! My head would spin for a week telling myself how bad that I did.
And, way before that... when I was about a year sober I would feel sick with anxiety knowing I had to talk at a speakers meeting. I could do okay in H & I panels, recovery houses, treatment centers, and sharing in a meeting, 12 Step calls, and one-on-one -- and I most often enjoyed it. But getting up to a microphone or behind a podium it felt like panic attack for me.
I came to realize that it was doing it sober... was what my hang up was. And, also speaking from the heart... where I might break down and cry or shed a few tears in public was what scared me most. Or, thinking about "what if my mind just goes totally blank and I can't even remember my name!"
When I was still drinking I could stand up in front of hundreds or even a thousands... and even in front of TV cameras, and it wouldn't bother me at all. It was being sober... that scared the heck out of me. I couldn't seem to put a complete sentence together when I was newly sober and I stuttered a lot.
Finally, after I got to a place where I wasn't taking myself so serious, and realized that I couldn't get anyone drunk or sober with anything that I was going to say -- I tried introducing myself with something like "Hi I'm such a dork that I can't even speak without a drink! And, I'm sober.... So, try not to take anything that I say too serious... and, please... don't go out and have a drink over it!"
That seemed to take the pressure off of me.