Today has been a strange day. Actually it's been a strange week. I've been have dreams about relapsing (I always have drinking dreams). This time, in the dream, I know I'm relapsing and feel ashamed and guilty etc. but can't stop drinking....I wake up looking for the empty bottles, releived that it's just a dream.
Today, I've been reliving hour by hour what I was doing 1 year ago. It's so clear in my mind it's like it happened yesterday but then it feels like a life time ago because I'm not that person anymore.
I've quit drinking several times and sometimes for 2-3 years but have never worked the program and always turned back to the addiction whatever the drug of choice at the timemay be. For the first time ever, I think, I am actually proud of myself and not because of a scholastic degree or because someone else sent me a warm fuzzy. I still feel remorse for what has happened in the past and I'm still quite leary of what can happen in my future but today I'm proud of who I am and how far I've come. It makes the future a little less scary. I still feel guilt but don't feel shame. I still have trust issues and there's still parts of me that I don't like. But today, I can face it instead of running from it. I know I have so much more work to do but it's been so much easier than drowning myself in a bottle. It's true what they say....It does get better and the promises do come true.
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT, SO WORK IT, YOU'RE WORTH IT
Thank you to all my on-line buddies. I joined this site at the beginning of my sobriety and alot of you have supported me on and off my pink cloud and help to keep me in the reality of today. Even when I couldn't get out of my house I knew I wasn't alone. I love you all more than you could ever know................