- You're not dumb - stop acting that way

You're not dumb - stop acting that way

Experiences along the way that bring us closer to our Higher Power

You're not dumb - stop acting that way

Postby garden variety » Mon Jun 04, 2007 6:16 pm

Oh boy I really didn't want to hear that. But I guess I hear things whether I want to hear them or not.

This came from a girl I had a couple dates with. She's not an alcoholic but she knows about us. She's very pretty and I like her a bit. I'm beginning to wonder if she's some kind of grammer teacher. But she had a point - I have been pretty darn relaxed in the way I carry myself. One is the way I talk. She keeps on correcting me whenever I say "was" and I should have said "were" or "are", and I say "them" instead of "those". Then I'm always trying to get away with saying as few words as I need to say and it is just unecessary to keep on being this way when I can do better.

She was right and I have been being lazy whether it's on line or in person. I'm also not proud to admit this, but its been a habit I use sometimes intentionally to get under someones skin. So I'm going to make an effort to clean up my ways a little. I also have room for improvement at making my house a little neater and friendlier to company.

So if I have been writing my words in a way that is getting on your nerves it might not have been on purpose. But I am sorry if I have been offensive or just plain uncaring which is probably the case. And I do owe you a prompt admission and amends - just don't make me write some silly sentence a hundred times! I guess I want to change because I know I can and maybe I need to. And it will do better for my fellows in AA if I pick up my feet a little higher instead of dragging them and acting like a clod.

You know its pretty amazing the things you find out you can change when somebody attractive starts paying attention to you (Ha! I was going to say "starts paying you mind").

This is going to take a while longer to post things in the "unnabbrieviated" way as they should be. Also, is there some kind of spellcheck to use here?
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Postby anniemac » Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:23 pm

The subject line of your post really jumped out at me. I've recently become aware at how frequently in the past (some of it not-so-distant) I "give up my power", which to me, is the same thing as "you're not so dumb, stop acting that way."

I dropped out of college when I was young and drunk. I went back to college in sobriety, two years ago (part time). Each class I've taken, I have bitched and moaned and agonized, as if I'm taking advanced nuclear physics or something. It was outside of my cozy comfort zone, I had to stretch my capabilities and challenge myself to put in some footwork; and man, was that frightening to me. My initial reaction, many times throughout each semester, was "I can't do this; I'm going to drop out."

Finally, at the end of last semester and at the beginning of this summer term, I realized that that is such old behavior for me, poor me, poor me, I can't do this. I realized that by doing that, I give away my power - my own personal validation of existence.

Now I'm looking to see what other areas of my life are touched by this "dumbing down", wussing out, wanting to just slink away instead of rising to the occassion.

Always a lesson to learn, that's for sure!

By the way, no spell check that I know of....
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Postby carol1017 » Mon Jun 04, 2007 7:57 pm

GV, your "colloquialisms" don't bother me in the least, in fact, I find them endearing.

While I applaud your efforts to improve yourself, I also believe that as long as we carry the message, it's doesn't matter if we're grammatically correct. Some of the best messages I've heard have been carried by people who could barely read or write, but could express in a heartfelt way what AA had done for them.

So, as my Southern friends say, "Don't make no never mind to me!" :D
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Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 04, 2007 9:12 pm

I refuse to feel inferior -- even when I know that I am!!! :shock:
Ain't that not the truth! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby Dallas » Mon Jun 04, 2007 9:56 pm

I was going to say...

In my old life...

I once had a wonderful girlfriend who was an English teacher...
I felt so personally inadequate and inferior... that I stopped calling her.

I later had a girlfriend who was an accountant...
I was always afraid she would see how I maintained my checkbook register
and I felt so personally inadequate and inferior...
that I just stopped seeing her.

In my new life...
My sponsor explained to me, that feelings of "personal inadequacy" is one of the greatest problems that plague many alcoholics.

I discovered that my feelings of "personal inadequacies" usually come up when I'm afraid.

Heck! I’ll never be an English teacher... my checkbook register still needs progress, and I’ll always need progress when it comes to grammar, speaking to others, communicating and developing better writing and social skills! You should have seen what I used to be like!!!

Now, when I meet someone I might be interested it... I let them know, by saying "I'm sensitive and sometimes I get overwhelmed by my feelings of personal inadequacy because of my inadequacies... and it usually happens when I meet someone new... and I'm afraid. If that doesn't bother you, I sure am pleased to meet you and I have an interest in knowing you!"

It's amazing how accepting others can be when I share the truth about me! And, we can both laugh at it, which helps me to relax and just be me... rather than me trying to be something I want to be.

Now, I just recognize that in many areas... I'm still personally inadequate... and, when it's important to me -- I attempt to change it... without it taking away from my positive feelings of self-worth.

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Postby garden variety » Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:50 pm

Dallas wrote:Now, when I meet someone I might be interested it... I let them know, by saying "I'm sensitive and sometimes I get overwhelmed by my feelings of personal inadequacy because of my inadequacies... and it usually happens when I meet someone new... and I'm afraid. If that doesn't bother you, I sure am pleased to meet you and I have an interest in knowing you!"

Well Dallas, I don't know how long the line of available ladies is for you, but I'd be tempted to change a few words in that opening line so as to possibly get better results. :lol:
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Postby Dallas » Tue Jun 05, 2007 6:52 pm

It works... when I work it!!!! :lol: :lol:

It's amazing how differently people treat me when I'm willing to be open and honest and admit my weaknesses and vunerabilities.

Maybe it's my self-confidence that impresses them! :lol:

Maybe they figure that "any guy who has the courage to come up with a line like that one must have it all together!" rather than... "he really means that!"

Or... maybe... maybe... maybe... maybe... maybe... maybe... :lol: :lol:

Sometimes... my figure-it-out-er doesn't always work too well.

I do know that after I stopped drinking and took the 12 Steps -- it seemed to me -- that the people around me appeared to change more than I did!

All I know -- is that it helps me! :wink:

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Postby garden variety » Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:51 pm

Dallas wrote:Sometimes... my figure-it-out-er doesn't always work too well.

You crack me up Dallas. I've been finding more and more in your posts that I can identify with. Maybe you're kin or something? Anyway, it sure looks like your in the right place. They tell me about that broke "figure-outer" to "keep coming back". I just grit my teeth and mumble sometimes.

But you know its another thing it seems like we all have in common. In some corner of our mind or heart I'll bet each of us has that spot where we don't think were worthy of love or respect. Its that "ego maniac with an inferiority complex" thing.

We are some sensitive folk I tell you what!
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My name is Anne, I'm an alcoholic

Postby musicmode » Wed Jun 06, 2007 6:42 am

This one jumped out at me, too...and I gotta say, it mixed inside-a me some. You're not dumb, stop acting that way. That has been said to me. U-huh...I admit, I have "played dumb" or however you wanna put it on purpose, to suit...well, the moment? Me? It's the con, the liar, the cheat...do whatever you can get away with, just don't get caught--if you do.."act dumb". Then...what happens? Get all defensive when people actually treat me/talk to me like I don't know anything. Guess we do teach people how to treat us. By the same token, however...sometimes the way we talk is just the way we talk...shyness, fear, lack of confidence and how we feel about ourselves is a part of it. Another angle is "comfort zone"...meaning, each generation, each little culture, who I'm with...my mood...all depends on how I talk...personality--where I'm from. Sometimes, my "grammar"...well...I'll use the word ain't, even though it ain't in the dictionary...depending on who's in front of me, I might say: I didn't think I'd get the chance to see ya, or--I might say, I did not anticipate that I would actually get the opportunity to speak with you. Step 4 spells it out on paper why we might be apprehensive to say anything with some people...especially if they're going to 'edit' your sentences for you while you are speaking...correcting every little detail to the point where we end up feeling cornered and why say anything at all? Go by yourself, sometime, to any coffee shop, diner...whatever...have a coffee and just listen to how people converse with each other...are they monitoring how the other person is speaking, or are they just having a conversation? Is your friend subconciously reminding you of someone from your childhood (teacher, for example, a parent or someone else) who always told you something like: if you keep talkin' that way, people are gonna think your stupid?

Around here, man...just talk...it's okay to let down your hair and just be, y'know? Be yourself--even if you don't know who that is yet...we'll help ya figure it out :wink: Nobody understands you more than one of us, and--from my own experience...even when I don't understand me yet. We don't care about spelling errors or if your hair is all just all that and all perfect, or whatever. We just want 'cha to stick around, keep comin' back...and talk however is comfortable for you. Nobody's gonna mark ya, or grade ya...cuz there is no graduation...we just keep on keepin' on :wink: .

Having said all-a that...I hope I wasn't steppin' outta line? I've been told to quit actin' stupid when...it has been no act, honestly have no explanation, don't know "what just happened" or why something happened the way it did. But, I do know where the misconception comes from cuz-a all the crap I did do--& lied about to get away with it. That's all about living amends. We're gonna screw up cuz we're human. We're lucky...we got ourselves a 12-step program to help us with life. As in the words of another member: there isn't one person on this planet who can't benefit from a 12-step program...don't matter who ya are, what you are, or not if that be the case. :wink:

Stick with it, kids...it works if ya work it :wink:

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Postby garden variety » Wed Jun 06, 2007 4:30 pm

This has turned into something, now hasn't it? I guess that subject line jumps out at alcoholics like us because we are those "egomaniacs with inferiority complexes." I really didn't plan on this post getting much attention, but now its got a life of its own. That's pretty funny but its all for good.

Well the way I talk and "carry" myself does, like you said, "teach" other folks how to treat me.

But the bottom line for me is getting honest. I need to be the same man wherever I am, and that man needs to be honest, unslefish, loving, and pure. Sometimes I play tricks on myself by "carrying on" like life's a game. It just comes down to that alcoholic control thing. Somewhere in my "twisted" mind, my big fat self-centered ego wants to have the "edge" or work an "angle" with another human being. As I like to say, "plain and simple" that just is not being honest.

I just wrote an email to someone today and I told them that I studied, lets just say "an old book", in the language it was written in. No you know if I can study and understand 2-3 languages and make a translation, I can say "skip-it" to "we was thinking". I mean, there are new words I see that I never used, like "protege'" and it did take me asking stupid questions like "What the hell does consider these first five propositions mean" before I did my step 6. Propositions? Jeez! Just say the first five steps!

But this girl is a sweetheart of a lady and she wants me to live up to what I can be, because its something that attracted her to me in the first place. This program and fellowship has taught me a lot about caring about other people instead of only myself. What I say and do does impact on others - "I'm not only hurting myself" as its been told to me. The change in me must be real because its attractive enough to this lady to get her interest - without even trying - it just happened automatically like the book says "intuitively". Now that's a miracle for me.

So the part of me that used to get into fights, and get blackout drunk, and pee on myself, not know where or with who I was waking up, and not taking a bath for a week or two or three had its time in my life and it almost got me killed. I'm not the same man anymore, thank you God and AA. So there's no need to act ignorant which also means talking "abbreviated". Its just one of those small things that God can give "me the courage to change the things I can." If all of those misbehaviors and insanity can change so much that the way I smile and talk with someone is attractive to them, picking and choosing the right words (because I know them anyway) and not being lazy in my typing is not near as big a change.

So I guess you could say I'm just "following through" with the transformation process, but I'm just doing something now that is conscious. All in all, it "ain't-a-gonna hurt nothin'" if I work with God and the program to clean my ways up a little more and be more presentable. Again, its one of those things where "another human being" called me on my BS. By the way, she's been to Al-anon more than once too, so that should tell you something.
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12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - You're not dumb - stop acting that way