Hey, how's it going?
Thanks so much. You know, after having slept on it, and in conjunction with your share, there's a little "something more" awakening...I don't know if it all makes sense enough yet to put it into words as well as you did...but my angle is taking this from the stand-point of that people pleasing
thing, or...the actor in the show...and the director, and the producer, etc., etc., and, you're right...tying up all the loose ends everywhere, even there-in word usage-where I never really thought about before--because I wouldn't slow down to do so--just get all defensive because it touches some kind of nerve ending--of which, in itself, I've learned from observing others around these rooms that, if something rubs 'me' the wrong way-it isn't what the other person says or said, it has to do with something in my own inventory--a trigger. I'm nervous when I speak to people, be it one on one or whatever, a lot because I'm worried/wondering if I'm making sense, I'll lose track of my point-if I even had one, and--very quickly, I'm tired because I'm trying to retain what the other person said--it seems to take a lot of concentration for me sometimes, to just have a simple conversation...I'm easily distracted, and if I'm in a room with flourescent lighting--I tire so quick I feel like I could just shut my eyes and go to sleep. If I don't know, though...I don't know--and I don't have to do no song & dance around it--just so that I don't look stupid, or crazy, however, it doesn't mean I'm dumb/stupid for not knowing something--and that in itself is a real sensitivity button for me--I instantly feel hurt and embarrassed and ashamed when someone else either laughs, or condescends or ridicules because I don't know something...the 'rub it in' words for me is when I hear: You don't know that--everybody knows that!! So I 'learned' to play along in order to avoid feeling hurt/embarrassed, belittled and just lesser as an individual...then anger seaps in because I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to respond? So, I react/retaliate. I don't have to play along
--Ive just done that for so long that I don't know what else to do when such a situation occurs Brings to mind something someone had said in a meeting once where he used to laugh at everybody's jokes, even when he didn't find them funny, just to fit in
, or go along with things...and that comes around to being dishonest with myself. I don't have to walk away in a huff and all defensive because somebody's joke rubbed me the wrong way or I just didn't find it funny...but, I don't have put on this showpiece belly-laugh either.
I realize, too...I'm just tired, y'know? I just wanna be me, and be comfortable in my own skin, keeping things simple, and honesty tend to make that so. The discipline that goes along with just slowing down (even a fraction) and thinking about something so simple as grammar and punctuation, basically think about what I am saying/writing, instead of just talking off the top of my head...in essence, actually slows me down-in a good way...the only way the hamster wheel upstairs can stop is if I quit feeding it fuel. To move my lips when I speak instead of mumbling because...it takes too much effort to open my lips
I've had people in my life who have told me: when you're in this
situation, say this, don't say that, say what you do this way and not that way. Then, when asked if I did say something I was "supposed" to say, and I say no, the other party flies off the handle because I was too stupid to not think of what to say/what to ask. Like...okay man...I got my own sanity to deal with, don't get me wrapped up in yours, too
. That's why Tradition 10 is my favorite, now I have a principle I can lean on in situations, where I can look at the situation for what it is, and say: this is your ball-game man, it's an outside issue for me--do your own talking, and I'll do mine, and the way it happens is the way it happens, and that's that. Even at that, though...simple, but not easy.
Thanks for sharing with me, and allowing me to share.
Keep It Simple,