Hey Dallas - I think I found another relationship to be involved with. I wrote this little email note to my sweetheart today. No fooling - this is not even one of those "glurge" chain letters. It just came out of me.
Then for some reason, a light went on in my head
Good morning my dear friend.
I want to share with you a story about a little girl who knew you, and loved you. Maybe you'll remember her, maybe you won't? I hope you do.
She always wanted you to look her in the eyes...she always awaited for your nod of approval - for the gift of love that only you, sweetheart, could give. She knew that you really could love her, too, as many times as she's given you her love. Maybe now is her chance?
Sometimes you were too busy to stop and notice her tug at your leg early in the morning. She waited patiently while you made one phone call, and then another, and then another. She quietly sat just behind you, and watched you cry. Next time, she softly touched your arm hoping to get your attention. She knew how busy you were, and her feelings weren't even hurt when you waved an open hand that said "in a minute my darling...I'll play with you in a minute", yet no words were spoken. You lit another cigarette and impatiently blew out that first puff of smoke.
She didn't mind that you turned on CNN to learn about what might be happening all over the world. In the early afternoon, she rubbed your tummy in hopes of letting you know that she was as hungry as you were. But you didn't give her your attention. You never fed her. She just patiently stepped back behind you, knowing your smile and love would soon grace her.
"Do you love me? Will you take my hand and walk with me?" Her words were soft whispers that you didn't seem to want to hear.
She watched as you walked out the door, and she wasn't hurt that you didn't say goodbye, or give her a little peck on the cheek. She knew that you'd be back soon and both of you could play together - even it was only for a few minutes - maybe a half hour. She knew that you were always so busy, and she respected that. Maybe you would take some time to sit down and relax with her - to talk with her about little things that maybe weren't important to you, but they meant the world to her. She decided to get dressed in her best peach dress and her white dress-up hat because she wanted you to notice how beautiful she looked, and how proud she would make you when you got back.
But when you got home, she watched as you made yet more phone calls, then peck away at your computer for a couple hours, while CNN's headlines repeated in the background on the TV. She watched you smoke another cigarette as tears filled your eyes. She realized you were tired when you passed-out on your bed in the middle of the afternoon. She took off her pretty hat and shiny black shoes to lay beside you. She wrapped her loving arms around you and embraced you with a smile. She gave you every ounce of love within her and was so proud to be a part of your life.
Nighttime found you in the same place where you woke up. She watched you snuff out your last cigarette, sip your last swallow, then go to the bathroom, and lay down in your bed. It was time for her to go to bed, too.
She laid down, and in her heart of hearts, she knew that you loved her. Of course she loved you as best as she could, and she would wake up again hoping that you would want to play with her and give her your love. She closed her eyes and happily envisioned dreams of both of you walking together in the park, holding hands and smiling. She closed her joyful eyes that would never again open wide.
She died in her sleep.
My dearest, it took me a long time to learn how to love that little girl with all my heart. For so many years, I never paid attention to her soft touches, the sometimes crooked little smile that always said "I love you" on her face, and those wide and innocent eyes that seemed to absorb the whole universe like a sponge. Sometimes I wished, even still, that I could have her back in my life, too, after she passed away. Sometimes I still ask myself, "What could I have done differently that would have made her life a better place for the short time she was here with me? Did I do my best?"
It took years of practice, and looking into the mirror, and growing up enough to learn that nothing in my life was more important than what that little girl could offer me. Only then, did I learn to see her standing right beside me. Only after I learned how to lose what I thought was what made me "me", but I learned that was my inability to be honest with myself. I really wasn't honest with "me". And when I let die that part inside me that always seemed to hurt so bad - that lonely aching in my heart that nothing ever seemed to take away - that lonliness such as few know - THEN I was able to hold her hand and have her with me, and learn how to love her in return.
Sometimes I think about her fragile spirit, and I'm reminded of the good things she brought me, sometimes unexpectedly, but always given with her smile and the best of her love.
I think there was a time when I saw you give her your attention. But I only saw it once. And when you did, I smiled a big smile inside and out.
In case you forgot her name, she is today.
Yours always - especially right now!
Here we go again - I just found out that my relationship with sobriety has given me yet another relationship: today.
I LOVE SOBRIETY!