Hi Julie! I remember you from when you first joined the site. Happy to hear you are still seeking sobriety.
I've had experience with romantic relationships in early recovery, and they were not good. My friends in the fellowship kept trying to tell me that I was still sick, so the relationship would be sick, but I thought I knew a heck of a lot more than they did!
I knew nothing about healthy relationships. I didn't even know myself.
Trying to keep in contact just prolonged the agony for both of us. I simply could not believe he did not love me, and kept trying to get him to admit he did. He admitted he did, but said he didn't want to take me down with him (he'd gone back to drinking & using). I realized if I stayed with him there was a big chance I'd drink again, and my sobriety meant more to me than anything.
So I made a clean break - no more calls, emails or F2F. It took every bit of will power I had. I stopped focusing on him and what we had, and turned my focus to helping other alcoholics, going to meetings, taking the steps again, my family and friends & hobbies. It was only when I switched gears, so to speak, that the pain began to let up. I spent many nights crying for God to remove the pain, and it was removed, but it took time. And when I was no longer hurting, I felt free, and I felt clean.
I also came to the realization that hanging on was stifling his spiritual growth as well as mine. And unless we alcoholics perfect and enlarge our spiritual lives, we won't survive!
My heart goes out to you. I know your pain.
If you put your sobriety first, you can't go wrong.