Question about contact after a breakup

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
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Joined: Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:16 pm

Question about contact after a breakup

Postby Huskergirl » Mon Apr 25, 2011 3:12 pm

I've been in a serious and loving relationship for the last 8 years with a man who asked me to marry him last year. I accepted with some serious level of guilt because I had been hiding my alcoholism and smoking from him the whole time. I knew I was being dishonest. Obviously we have never lived together. We are neighbors!

By last summer I finally admitted to him during a rift that I was an alcoholic. He then admitted to me that he was an alcoholic with 15 years of recovery.

Long story short, went to a meeting, did not like it. Decided by myself I would try to do it on my own. You know the rest of the story. More rifts that included holidays and dates where I cancelled or passively stood him up (because I was either drunk or hungover and could not face him) which caused of course problems. Went to some meetings in February and seemed like things were starting for me, but I did not really have a sponsor. A week after starting meetings, quit my job (another long story) and decided to look for another one. But picked up a bottle of vodka the day I decided to quit my job, so of course now I back into old patterns. And lying again.

The lastest and last was reacting to something he said while we were on the phone the night before his birthday and hanging up on him. Then not even calling to apologize the next day because I was in a blackout and not even sure what exactly was said and I was horrified with myself and did not know what to say to him.

He calls the afternoon of his birthday (we of course had made plans previously to spend the day together) and tells me its over, he wants his ring back, keys to his house, and other items and tells me we are to meet at a public place of my choosing to make the exchanges and get closure on the relationship. Then hangs up on me.

I was devastated. But obviously he was too, and rightly so. It took me 24 hours to call him to tell him I did not want to do this, but he insisted he did. He told me to figure out where I wanted to meet and then let him know, then hung up on me again. Took me another 24 hours to figure out what to do and what I wanted to say.

I wrote him and email indicating I could not do the public option, but that I had boxed up all the items he requested and put them on his deck, and he could do the same with my things and that way we would not have to see one another. I also wrote some stuff about understanding that I was sick, it was not fair to him, how much I loved him, admired, and respected him, and would never think ill of him. He wrote back with his comments and hurts since last summer, from which I could not clearly figure out whether he still felt that he really wanted to split. Sounded like it, but maybe not? Never the less in my heart I knew it was the right thing to do for both of us right now.

We have had no contact since then. That was a little over one week ago.

Since there was still doubt in my mind about closure for both of us, and after agonizing and wanting to die for the last week. Reading and searching and meditating for answers. Reaching out to get a sponsor and get back to meetings. Agonizing some more about wanting to clarify things by sending a response to his email telling him that the problems have always been about my emotional immaturity and drinking, and that even if one or both of us wanted to reconsider things that right now I knew that this was the last thing that would finally propel me into right action by getting a sponsor to work through the 12 steps, attend meetings at least once a day etc. And that if I knew if I did reconcile with him, it would only give me relief and enable me to sink right back into my old pattern.

I told him I still loved him, and that I knew he understood how hard it is for an alcoholic in recovery and that knowing he understands gives me some peace.

I don't know if we will ever get back together. I do know that I must focus on those things I have to do to get into recovery. I know that I can not do that and be with him as well right now. I want him to have peace, and I want peace for myself about this break up.

Right now, of course, my heart hopes that someday we can reunite and have a happy and healthy relationship. Because honestly, he was the best thing ever in my life, and he felt that way about me too. We mostly had wonderful times together, and I learned alot from him. He was the kindest most tender man I have ever known. But I know that only my HP (God) knows what plans He has for both of us, and there is certainly a chance that we may not be together ever again. With time, I think I can accept that. I don't want to, but that may be just what it is.

I sent that second email after asking God about it for 6 hours this morning. I questioned what was my intent to send that email. My intent was to try to clarify a little more about my thoughts and feelings of what had happened to give both he and I perhaps a little more peace to move on.

So here is my question:

Did I just inflict more pain on him by kind of breaking up with him all over again after a week of no contact? I sure hope not. I am having doubts now about whether I shouldn't have just left well enough alone. I sent it without expectation of a response.

I am really hurting over all of this, and just trying to make sure that my actions are always with loving intent as well as of course just trying to get through all of it one day at a time.

Thank you for any thing you can share with me to help me figure this out.
I could not reach my sponsor yet today.


Posts: 606
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:03 pm

Postby sunlight » Sat Apr 30, 2011 11:43 pm

Hi Julie! I remember you from when you first joined the site. Happy to hear you are still seeking sobriety.

I've had experience with romantic relationships in early recovery, and they were not good. My friends in the fellowship kept trying to tell me that I was still sick, so the relationship would be sick, but I thought I knew a heck of a lot more than they did! :lol: I knew nothing about healthy relationships. I didn't even know myself.

Trying to keep in contact just prolonged the agony for both of us. I simply could not believe he did not love me, and kept trying to get him to admit he did. He admitted he did, but said he didn't want to take me down with him (he'd gone back to drinking & using). I realized if I stayed with him there was a big chance I'd drink again, and my sobriety meant more to me than anything.
So I made a clean break - no more calls, emails or F2F. It took every bit of will power I had. I stopped focusing on him and what we had, and turned my focus to helping other alcoholics, going to meetings, taking the steps again, my family and friends & hobbies. It was only when I switched gears, so to speak, that the pain began to let up. I spent many nights crying for God to remove the pain, and it was removed, but it took time. And when I was no longer hurting, I felt free, and I felt clean. :D

I also came to the realization that hanging on was stifling his spiritual growth as well as mine. And unless we alcoholics perfect and enlarge our spiritual lives, we won't survive!

My heart goes out to you. I know your pain.

If you put your sobriety first, you can't go wrong.

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