Dating someone who is in AA and I need advice.please.

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
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Dating someone who is in AA and I need advice.please.

Postby mariemarie33 » Tue Jul 05, 2011 12:38 am

I'm not in AA but I met a guy who is. We have become some what close and I definitely have strong feelings for him and it appears that he also has feelings for me. He goes to multiple meetings a day. Lives in a house with other people in the program and basically spends all of his time, other than what he is work, with them. He said, it isn't normal for someone who isn't in AA to come over to their events or functions and I just feel like it is impossible to get to know him fully and to be a part of his life. I feel like AA is almost some what of a cult of a special club and I just don't understand why I can't be there or get to know these people that he spends all of his time with. I don't do drugs nor do a drink. Anyone able to give any advice?

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Postby Dallas » Tue Jul 05, 2011 8:27 am

I think it depends on the events and functions that he must be referring to. I know of a lot of events, functions, and even AA speaker meetings -- where non-alcoholic, non-AA people attend, especially if they're in a relationship with someone that is not AA. Many of the people that host AA events (not all, but many), see the benefit in hosting events where "a family" together, or a "couple" together -- can benefit in the events. The true spirit of AA encourages healthy family and healthy relationship experiences.

Often, on the other hand, non-AA's do not want to attend the events or functions. So, it's a mix that's usually one way or another combined.

I hope that helps.


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Postby DiggerinVA » Sun Aug 07, 2011 11:10 am

Alot depends on where he is is in recovery. Early this can be rough. Time is not the issue it is where they are in putting the steps into there daily living.

As a general rule open meetings are fine for the outsider. Where I live we have one meeting that is listed as Alanon Friendly. That type of meeting would would be a good meeting to share.

Now I feel there is one bugaboo to mention. Many in AA believe relationships are a bad idea for the new comer. This may be part of the reluctance, then again it may not. All relationships are problematic for everybody.

Patience is key in the situation you describe, there could be many variables. Time will answer the necessary questions.

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Dating AA verses non AA

Postby lilotto » Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:41 pm

Sounds like this person is not ready for a commitment. He probably enjoys your attention and so he keeps dangling the carrot in front of you. Alcoholics are like that very selfish and self centered so be very careful especially if he is not open to having you attend AA functions. In Alcoholic Anonymous there are some meetings closed for alcoholics only. But from my experience there are so many events like barbeques, picnics, camping, and much more that are open to both AA's and Non-AA's. It is these type of events that help in rebuilding relationships and family. If he in not inviting you something is wrong.

There someone for everyone maybe he is not the one. Good Luck!


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