A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
Dallas wrote:It falls within attempting to correct an AA member to do something -- using a group of AA's to do it. We have no steps or traditions for that -- and it will most often turn into a rumor and gossip mill. Alkies never do anything moderately. It's always taken to the extreme. Thus, it could really have some damaging ramifications. As AA's we can NEVER force any AA to do anything or to not do anything. God alone is their judge, and John Barelycorn and Jack Daniels is the avenger and persuader.
Our jobs is to fit OURSELVES (not someone else, and not even a spouse) to be of maximum service to God and those around us.
The Inventory is OURS -- and NOT the other man or woman's inventory. Unless of course we want to deviate from this, and when we do, surely the AMENDS will be ours to make.
When I was married to an AA, I was cautioned by many seasoned, veteran married and divorced AA's -- stay out of her program. And, she was wisely counseled to stay out of mine.
Going to another AA to recruit them to assist us in correcting another AA is extremely dangerous and potentially deadly business. What will you do and feel -- if as a result of your efforts to correct them -- it explodes in your face -- and one or more end up drunk or dead as a result of it? You'll end up blaming yourself for it. My suggestion? Stay out of it at ALL costs. OUR sobriety MUST come first -- and that's all there is. There is no second, third, fourth, etc. And, we do this by focusing on OUR recovery, our sobriety, our relationship with God, and our side of the street -- in our relationships with others. Their side of the street is their side of the street. If we can't live with that -- then, it's us that moves on.
Ask yourself, too, have you ever had a joke or humor backfire on you? Sure. We all have experienced that. Now, imagine it backfiring on a real sensitive alcoholic -- then getting transmitted to the entire group and half the group ends up drunk over it. It just isn't worth the risk.
It really helped me to hear that God alone is "their" judge. I heard you state what my sponsor teaches me... that I can clean my side of the street only. Not others. I find outside of meetings many people taking others inventory not for the good of the person, but to make themselves feel better. I have been working to turn my will over and clean my side of the street but find it sometimes hard to be a part of that taking others inventories.
I am also wisely cautioned and reminded to stay out of my husbands program. This is our third go a try as a couple in sobriety. Through the grace of God he is growing... slowly. I get scared and selfish when I think he should be doing more. But my sponsor always reminds me that it is very dangerous to try to deal with that. So, I pray about it instead. It is not selfish for me to want him to grow and find a higher power not only for our family but most importantly him. So, as I stated I stay out of his program.
On the other hand one of my character defects is jealousy. And that is probably because I feel so badly about myself. I have no self confidence. Others ladies tell me all the time what a good man he is and they wish they had someone like him. You can imagine what my mind does with that. Thank God for my sponsor who takes me to the book to take a look at self and see where those crazy thoughts are coming from. I still have some issues with it, but am working on that. I can not change other people. I should take it as a compliment that I do have such a wonderful husband. Instead of place up my old behaviored defenses.
And on one note that you spoke about. There has been another female member crossing the lines of the wise suggestion of men to men, women to women, in a vidid description. I think of the newcomers and how dangerous it could be. Spoke to my sponsor about it, and got reminded I can only clean my side of the street. However, it came up again with yet another new comer and felt compelled to "tell on her" but with your help in this comment today Dallas, I think I will continue to try my best to clean my own side of the street and leave others people recovery to them, making sure the hand of AA is there for them by doing my part in service. Thanks
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