Thanks for that share, Sheresq! Good wisdom in those suggestions!
Thank you Anne, for sharing your insight, experience and wisdom! I've seen what you wrote about over and over and over again! I've even made a few mistakes of my own which nearly cost me my life!
As I look back at my own experiences, I can (with hind-sight) see, that the reasons that relationships were so dangerous for me in early recovery... is that I was so danged emotionally sensitive! (Not that I'm over being so danged emotionally sensitive, either!)
When I got sober, I began experiencing emotions that I hadn't actually felt in years... if ever! And, I didn't know what to do with those emotions!
Top that off... I was full of baggage of emotional hurts, harms and pains, from a lifetime of living... and my only coping skills that I had to deal with those emotions... was to "drink them away and try to forget them!"
When I sobered up... I couldn't forget them. They began to press me down and press me out (is that where de-pressed originates?). And, while I had that junk going on... here I am feeling new feelings and new emotions... that I still don't know what to do with!
Alcohol and drugs had been my coping tools. The tools that I used to solve my problems was chemical tools. "Just alter my perception... and the feelings go away!"
When I got sober... I couldn't use the chemical coping tools any longer. So, the emotions and not knowing how to deal with the past and present was really driving me nuts!
An early-in-sobriety relationship, for me, would be defined is "Hi! Hello! My name is Dallas and Im alcoholic! I'm powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. Want to share my unmanageable life with me? You're cute! I like you! You hurt my feelings! I hate you! Want to get married?"
For me, recovery was coming slowly... often too slowly! It wasn't until I completed the 12 Steps... and dealt with the garbage of my past... that I could even have a decent relationship with myself... let alone to share myself with someone else.
Then, after the garbage came out... and I could live in a safe, sane and sober relationship with myself... I needed to learn "What is a healthy relationship with another person?" I had no clue. I had no coping tools. I had no knowledge of how to have a healthy relationship with myself or with another person.
And, when I think of it... if the other person is new in recovery... how will she be any different than I was? Do I think I can be the Knight in Shining Armour and just Love her into sanity, sobriety and recovery? (I think, that could be similar to "I've got to stop playing God!") I couldn't Love her into sobriety any more than God could Love me into staying sober! It was up to me to learn and to do what I had to do to keep from bending my elbow!
One healthy person does not make a healthy relationship of two. A healthy relationship of two... requires two healthy persons. Kind of the same as... half measures will avail you nothing... when it comes to sobriety or relationships. (Like the song: "It takes two! Baby!.... It takes two!" --- And like ... A.A. -- It's impossible to practice A.A. alone!).
As I look at the 12 Steps, in how they've worked for me... They have enabled me to have a good relationship with myself, and they have taught me and prepared me to have good relationships God, and with others.
And, maintaining good relationships... for me, has required me to continue to do the things that have prepared me for good relationships, and have enabled me to cope with different tools, and gain some emotional maturity, and emotional stability... in addition to keeping me sober, happy, joyous, sane and free. If I stop doing those things... the ugly me and the ugly stuff will return... and when that happens... I'll end up drinking my way down the path to Coyote Ugly!