I am back!

[cinderbobble]

Hi folks, I'm back! I had a really emotional week, but as they say, all's well that ends well, and I think it was okay. Well, fortunately for me (!), I open the Sunday a.m. meeting here, and I arrived early enough to listen to an AA tape. I mean, I really gave myself the tx. I had even read several stories of the 'new' BB, and the chapter to the Agnostics. I did realize that much of my experiences is part of a verrrry repetitive and exhausting pattern that has repeated itself ever since I was a child, perhaps high school. The feelings always resulted in alienation... in other words, my inner experience was dictating my outter, and I felt helpless and powerless to change it, except for the power of prayer. Fortunately as well, I did not wish to drink, but while on my knees, I fervently hoped that either I would die, or I would overcome this pattern. I realize that sounds drastic, but hey! I'm an alcoholic! I took this to prayer, and I was able to really look forward to the meeting I opened. I saw there, several, nay, MANY of the people who were new with me several years ago, but, ALAS! They were still NEW! AGAIN!. So, I feel that tells me that I have much to be gratefulf.

I realized that the pattern was there, very real, and very unbudgeable, but I also realized that my real experience was the result of this pattern, and not the result of what 'other people are doing to me today!' That was my conclusion. I have to admit that I have always feared people, and covered this with much bravado. Today, in AA, I remind myself that I am a result of my responses to what happens to me, and not what happens to me. (Freedom from Bondage.) For me, the spiritual awakening comes slowly, but I find much encouragement in sharing my experiences as honestly as possible.

Another bonus from this was, my sponsor also came to that meeting early, and I was able to share my feelings without becoming defensive. This has truly been a growing relationship.

Where I work, there is at least one other program member, who I find encouragement from, as he shares his program with me.

So, I'm back, have not drank, and am still here. I wish to thank you for all your responses and for bein' there for m!

[Dallas]

Hey Cinderbobble!!!! Welcome home!!!! I'm so glad that you finally made it back because I look forward to reading your messages... and reading about your experiences and adventures!!! Thank you for sharing!

Dallas

[cinderbobble]

Yes, I am soooo happy to hear back from you too, and so soon! I eagerly look forward to reading this board and all of your responses. It also boots me back to my AA material. That tape I was listening to was some old timer, Clancy I think. Anyway, I related to how we need to be treated like kings and queens to even feel normal. The only problem is, that all those other 'normies' out there do not know that! So, here I am, with a hundred people lined up telling me how swell I'm doing, and one comes along, gives me a dirty look and says, 'you suk!'... and just try to guess whom I will believe! I know you know the answer! Anyway, I worked on the solution. No instant fix, no immediate high, but I do know today that in AA, there are NO instant highs, BUT the results are so much longer lasting, (and no hangover!)... and all that. So, back I am, and glad of it!