Hey Paul and Molly!!!
Thanks for your replies!!!
Sometimes, I start feeling like I'm the only kid who lives my block. Like I'm alone, unique and different... and that no one else experiences what I experience... and that "it's just me!"
"No one experiences, goes through, or feels like I do!"
"Dang! If I just weren't so different!"
At least today... I can laugh at myself when tempted to think and feel that way.... and I can joke and poke fun at myself as I watch my childish-traits at play. Once upon a time... I took myself seriously and it used to make me miserable! It has been such a relief to me to be able to let go of the serious stuff and realize that there are others who sometimes think and feel in similar ways that I think and feel... and to realize that I don't have to totally grow up in the next two minutes!
And, that it's not the end of the world when I make mistakes or when I'm in that stage of learning and growing where I experience those "wished-I-would-have known-better-before-I-did-this!" events.
It's also great to feel and know that I've got "brothers and sisters and the other kids-on-the-block" to talk with -- one of the amazing benefits of being a part of the "one big family in recovery."
When I was a kid... and for many years after that... before my exposure to the Fellowship in A.A., it was like "who could I possibly talk to about something like this? Who would understand? Who could help me? Who could possibly understand the problems I face or the things that I experience?" And, now... it's like living in the middle of a huge group of friends and family who are all "survivor's of a great ship wreck, too!" It's an awesome experience!
Paul wrote:"When we were active in our addictions, we were seduced by intensity. We mistook intensity for intimacy."
I'm still thinking about that one. Fortunately, I have to dig back into far reaching memory to remember some of my stuff!
And, after I've thought about it a while... I often change my mind as my memory gets recalled.
When I was active in my drinking stage of alcoholism -- I used to drink to dull the intensity -- and then drink to turn up the volume on intensity -- trying to get the level just right -- and I was pretty much seduced all the time!
About all I can remember in regards to intensity was "how can I get more and experience it longer!" My whole life seemed to be centered on an obsession of "more!" I think the only time I experienced intimacy, then, was in my imaginary day-dreams.
However... sober, I can see where I would mistake intensity for intimacy. And, it is possible... that I've been wired backwards!
Those are the times that I look at the eyes and see the smiles and it makes my heart bubble!!!
And, my head starts with the imaginary flower petals of "she loves me... she loves me not... she loves me... she loves me not!"
Or.... "Gees!!!! I sure could love her! She totally takes my breath away and I haven't even met her!" "I just know that we would live happily forever and ever together!"
Fortunately, the intense imaginary-intimacy is fleeting... and it only lasts for seconds, (as long as I don't take too many actions on it) and I'm able to recognize "that sure was a fun little thought and mental experience"... now, what was it that I was doing? And, I can get back to life-in-the-reality lane.
Intensity! I think I should consider changing my name to Intensity!
Perhaps I'll go out today and try it out and introduce myself as "Hi I'm Intensity! and I'm an Intense-aholic!" and see what happens!
(Maybe, that will get me somewhere!) Possibility Power Thinking!
BTW: Paul, you did great with the emoticons!
Molly wrote:So after talking to my sponsor, I posted a personal ad and waited.
I think the personal ad idea sounds great... but, I don't know about talking to my sponsor about it!
Here's intensity in action! You mention personal ad -- sounds like a great idea with lots of potential! My head says "Oh what a great idea! How about just having my own personals website where I can place my ad and have an entire website where all the ladies who might have an interest in me -- can place their ads, too!" Afterthoughts:
I wonder if a normal person reading this would think "Gees! This alcoholic guy sure is nuts!"
Yep. They would only be partially right!
It's nice to be able to have unsound thoughts -- and laugh and chuckle at them -- without feeling the need, the urge, nor the compulsion to take action on the thoughts!