Biochemistry of Love, Relationships and Recovery

[Susan]

Hi Kelly, we are not all boys! I have done and been where you are.

[Dallas]

Hey finch,

What's kind of wierd is....... up until this thread... for some reason, I had thought that you were a boy bird!

I don't know why I had that perception. But, I did.

And, then... you strut out here talking about your feathers!

I was amazed at how wrong I had been!

Maybe it was because of my left eye.

Dallas

[Susan]

Sometimes you just can't tell on line. When we are talking AA and recovery it can be difficult. Yes, I am female with 15 years continuous sobriety and have worked through a lot of the sex and love stuff. I am also a retired nurse, so I have a strong medical background.

[Dallas]

Wow finch!!! That's totally awesome!!!

Maybe you can help me!!!!!!!!!

[Susan]

Thank You, I am glad to help where ever I can. You can ask me any question.

[Kelly]

Sorry Rev! I thought you were one of the boys too! Congratulations on 15 years!!! That's great.

I know I have to do "whatever" it takes to stay sober and I am truly willing to do that...yes, even if it means another year for me.

I also know that I can't be any good to a potential romantic partner until I take care of myself and have a firm footing in sobriety. ...but that doesn't mean that I can't think about it, does it?

[garden variety]

C'mon now!

Am I the only one that knew the Rev was a lady?

Or do you guys think when I said "I think I'm in love" to her in another post...

Oh and she's a nurse too!

Finches are such pretty birds too!

FLIRT (in case anyone missed that!)

[Susan]

Thanks

[Dallas]

Well. I am shocked that I was not alone.

I've been kicking my butt asking myself
"Dallas, how could you be that stupid?"

I also know that I can't be any good to a potential romantic partner until I take care of myself and have a firm footing in sobriety. ...but that doesn't mean that I can't think about it, does it?

1. Just think about being good to yourself, for now... by staying sober and learning to stay sober! You'll have a whole new life ahead of you with many wonderful and romantic years... "if" you get a solid foundation in recovery and learning to live sober in any weather.

Just ask yourself if you'd rather have a romantic or a manic?

Manic can feel like romantic for a few hours... but it can also have many months of leaving you feeling down!

2. Can you think about it? Sure you can! It's only our actions that gets us in trouble. Insane people do not go to jail for their thoughts... they end up in jail because of their insane actions!

3. And, when it comes down to it... we all know that nobody can really force an alcoholic to do anything they don't want to do and to not do something they want to do. That's a fact.

When it comes to things like that... only you can choose to do what's best for you. Your head will tell you what's best for you... and often, that will be "to do".... And, in those cases... it's usually best to do the opposite of what your head (or body)... is telling you to do.

One of the most awesome things that I discovered in sobriety... was... that by following a few simple directions... I ended up with a relationship with myself, that I never even imagined would be possible!

Kelly, I didn't know this until I was sober for a few years... but, I had spent many years of my life actually hating myself and I didn't even know it!

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being that far out of reality about yourself? I was that far gone in reality.

All the time that I thought I like myself and loved myself... I was actually hating myself and not liking myself! Imagine that?

Recovery can be such a beautiful and awesome process for us... and lead us to learning and knowing things about ourselves that we never even dreamed!

But.... when we're spending that valuable time "trying to learn about someone else"... it leaves us very little time to self-discovery and growing.

Yep. We might learn all about them and what makes them happy and how to please them... and have a little fun, too... and then end up living years in misery with ourselves.

Someday... I'll bet this will make a lot of sense to you! And, it may make a lot of sense to you now... but, not in the way that it will make more sense to you, later!

Dallas

[garden variety]

Funny, how so many women have said to me in my past (something similar to) ... "You seem so unavailable. A woman would have to run over you with a truck for you to get it that she's interest in you!"?"

Kinda brings to mind the expression "Lug Wrench" (Really - I luv ya brother!)

Heck, and here I am thinking that I could stand on a busy street corner holding a big sign up that said "Will work for love and attention!" ... and, nobody would see me! And, if they did, they'd just look and say something like "what's wrong with that guy, anyway?"

The visual on this has me rolling!

OK now to more serious things -

Kelly - The "no relationships in the first year" is not right. That is a "he said - she said" twisted up thing that gets a lot of controversy. Here is the basis of that expression - comes from the Cleveland/Akron area. It was this way when I cam into the rooms but it evolved into that other thing:

"Avoid making any major decisions in the first year of your sobriety."

For most folks, getting into or out of a realtionship is a "major decision". That's the way the long-timers put it to me. And it does make sense to a certain degree, but the numbers 1 year or 12 months are not even a good thing to go by. Let me explain.

I could be sober (or dry) a year and not got through my 4th and 5th step. According to the saying, I would be ready to get into a relationship. Well I think not.

A suggestion I give to my proteges is this:

- The FIRST relationship you have is the most important. That relationship is the basis of all other relationships. That is your relationship with a God of your understanding. The only way to have a strong enough relationship with God is to work through the 12-steps to the best of your ability. It might take a year, more than a year, or less than a year. But the book says "See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others." To me that is clear as a bell. I'm not sure if there is a better passage in the book that stresses a relationship then this one. If I don't have a daily working relationship with a God of my understanding, I can't expect to have any kind of a relationship with another human that is complete or "healthy" as some might say.

Dallas mentioned this one, and I believe it is just as crucial, so I'll start mentioning this to the new guys, too. I must have a working relationship with my sobriety/recovery. This isn't high school where we graduate. We're in these classrooms for the remainder of life if we want to stay sober, happy, joyous, and free. The book says it this way:

"My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrting these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he worked with me. Faith without works is dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead." (see page 14-15)

"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it (see page 83).

"We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime (see page 84).

That's why I say, Kelly. you can't put a darn silly number on "relationships". Hogwash! Some folks could take 5 years to get these things down. Somebody else could take 8 months.

I believe the key to any relationships are these two relationships. And it's OK to look forward to them as you said. But I wouldn't let that dominate my thoughts. What works for me is just as simple. I heard this saying and by golly if I work my hardest to live by it, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING including relationships, works itself out in the best possible way.

"Happiness is the byproduct of a life well-lived."

So if I live my life according to these "few simple rules" (12 steps), if I have the H.O.W. sobriety works (Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness), and I'm willing to put God first, others including you next, and myself in the third-seat back, this "station-wagon" ride called life turns into the best journey ever.