13th step? bitterness

A discussion of topics about relationships in Recovery
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Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2008 8:09 pm

13th step? bitterness

Postby MikeM1968 » Wed Jan 16, 2008 9:39 pm

Do other people end-up copping a resentment against "All Men" / "All women" in recovery just because a few were practicing the 13th step?

I was just past my 1st year of recovery and started following a woman around who has some time. I did all kinds of stuff for her and helped her with college. She used to sell herself under the bridge for her drug of choice and lived that way for years.

She's also very respected by other women in my area. I was on that emotional pink cloud when I was with her, but we never had sex. We had this wonderful emotional relationship, the kind I never had with any woman before. I felt like she had to be "the one". She did tell me all we could be was friends, but she knew how I felt a little bit and even said stuff like "maybe in 5 yrs" or "Maybe someday". I figured I was cultivating something good. I never made any move on her at all, except friendly intimacy. I respected what she was telling me, even though we'd spend 5 out of 7 days of the week together and even slept together platonically.

When I couldn't restrain my un-requited lust and let her know it after months of this going on, she got angry with me and when I'd share about it in meetings word got back to her and she'd cop a resentment at me about that too. She felt I was damaging her reputation. All I was doing was seeking support for the very extreme emotional pain I was in.

I went from hating myself and feeling as-if I was wrong for wanting her and a bad person - to hating her and feeling she did in-fact wrong me on purpose. I finally came to a place where I realized how silly I was being for desiring a woman with such a past (even if her life looks all rosey now) and realizing that she's sicker than myself. I was not "wrong" because she made me horny. I'm a man.

The whole experience was good and bad. When I drank, I never knew how to initiate sex, or make the first move on a woman. The alcohol just made me lose my inhibitions and fears. It also made me lose my selectivity and I'd wake-up next to some pretty scary ones. I had no sober reference.

Thanks to the steps I have to own what part I played in it and not make that mistake again, however I can't seem to be emotionally available to women in recovery anymore. They must stay on "that" side of the wall until I know for certain where things are going.

I was working on being less shy and introverted and becoming more outgoing and friendly with the women and then that happened and I stopped being that way. Granted, I know what my motive was, however now I don't approach people unless they're men, or unless they approach me (namely the women). The experience threw me right back to being that shy, insecure kid that can't get a girl to go out with him.

I don't go for women I want anymore. The experience had some good come out of it, however it also created and re-enforced fear that I hoped I was getting past.


garden variety
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Postby garden variety » Thu Jan 31, 2008 10:25 am

Hi Mike,

Please don’t get me wrong – I am no way an expert or a “Dr. Philâ€

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Joined: Sat Mar 22, 2008 12:11 pm

the stew called bitterness

Postby lonernomore » Sat Mar 22, 2008 4:21 pm

Finding some good reads here..but I'm in that stew called bitterness..not a lot of good I have to say, about relationships. Maybe I could try 'relationships anonymous.'

Then, and only then
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Postby Then, and only then » Thu Mar 03, 2011 3:53 pm

My spon says, "Two dead batteries can not start a car". I saw people meet in AA campus, and fall in love. I envy those who share their spirituality and pain. I am already and still married.

My keen alcoholic mind Suggests that it will be hec of a lot easier to start on a clean slate, but I decided to keep this dish. If I get kicked out, I will not look for any more relationship, but spend my nights in the rooms or gym.

I made a female friend, who is also married. It was not comfortable at first. I do not trust my intentions. I could not tell the color of this attraction. Before the rooms, I had female friends, but they did not stay as friends. I watch what I say and how I act. There was the sensitivity that I have never experienced with my male friends.

Crossing the line will devastate my program and hers. I am only 3 years, and know everything is always on the line. Maybe I am full of it, but I think I was desperate enough to stay inside of the boundary. After a couple month of initial attraction, I can avoid the physical attraction most of the times. I felt like plying with fire. Warm, yet it can burn the whole house.

Ya, I am full of it.

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Postby Dallas » Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:10 pm

For people that are married -- it could be more like a fire bomb. I've seen the chips fall both ways. I'd ask myself if I would want to risk paying the price for the worse situation that could happen. If not -- then, I don't do. There is no price to pay for staying safe.

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Postby christowers » Sun Jun 12, 2011 2:49 am

i agree with what your saying its hard to understand

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