- Rigorous Honesty.....

Rigorous Honesty.....




Topics and discussions related to being single and or dating while in recovery

Rigorous Honesty.....

Postby KT » Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:43 am

Ok folks, Kathy here.....got a little problem.

Someone I connected with about 3 yrs ago and have somewhat kept in touch with all along is now inviting me to his place this Sat. We have been intimate in the past but it was when I was still drinking. He does not drink much at all. Very little in fact. And we did not drink anytime we were together before.

The relationship, if you can even call it that, was at a time in my life where I was not clear in my mind what I wanted. We are talking and texting now and discussing getting together again. We do have a chemistry, work in the same industry and there is def a mutual attraction. I have told him I am not the same person I was 3 yrs ago. That alot of things have changed. I'm much more level headed and actually content with my life. But the attraction is so strong! It feels different this time. He says lets just keep it "simple" and not overthink anything and see what develops. I can agree with all that. My problem is I have not told him I am in recovery. Will that be a deal breaker? And if it is, so be it? I am who I am. I like who I am now. And I would so love to have someone in my life who truly cares about me. Everyone wants to be loved and give love. Just don't know if I need to admit anything to him until I find out if this is something that is going to move forward. I'm not interested in just a "one night fling" - If that is what I was looking for in life it would not be that hard to accomplish.

So my big question for the day...."Do I tell him up front or wait and see where this might be going relationship-wise??"

I welcome your comments or concerns.

Thanks,

KT
KT
 
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Postby Dallas » Tue Aug 31, 2010 8:21 am

Your message has several mixed messages. :lol:

If you only want to be semi-comfortable for a little while, and if you want more problems to deal with down the road... keep it a secret.

If you don't plan on staying in recovery... keep it a secret.

Why would you even want to consider having a "friend" that couldn't accept you and support you for being who and what you are?

You said you weren't looking for "one night stands" ... so why act like this is going to be one?

My philosophy is: Accept myself. Accept who I am, what I am and what I do. And, be rigorously honest about it. Up front and honest. Then, if they can't accept who I am -- the heck with them -- I don't need them in your life.

You used the "L" word above. Love is based upon open-ness, honesty, truth and trust. And, all those things begin with you.

Be true to yourself. Be comfortable with yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. If you don't do that first, as in "first things first" ... you're only going to invite heartbreaks and hurts and jerks in disquise.

Why would you even consider a "one night stand" with someone that couldn't accept you as you are? Let alone, a friendship or possible relationship?

The longer I'm sober the more I see this for myself -- if I'm not totally open and honest -- especially about myself -- I'm simply inviting big bites out of my butt in the future.

One thing that kept us in the bottle was feelings of "personal inadequacy." We felt it and wanted to hide it so others would never find out how personally inadequate we felt.

The opposite will help keep us out of the bottle. Personal confidence in regards to our self-values. That means we feel whole and complete and comfortable with ourselves -- even though we're not perfect and never will be perfect.

First things first. Be honest. Up front and open. If they're going to be leaving over it -- it's better that they leave early or they occupy the space that someone that's really compatible with us could be.

I hope that helps. :lol: :lol:

Dallas
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Postby KT » Tue Aug 31, 2010 11:09 am

Thank you Dallas.

I guess I was looking for the easier, softer way again. Everything you said was "spot on" especially the part about our feelings of "personal inadequacy". I have always had a bit of low self esteem and poor self confidence in my personal life. And since being in the program and freeing myself of alot of resentments and fears I am developing a truer self-value but obviously I have a ways to go. And you're right, I am acting like I'm expecting this to be a one night stand. In comes the personal inadequacy again.

It was kind of like when I did my 4th step. I kept putting it off and putting if off but when I finally put it to action and told God, myself and another human being, it was such a feeling of relief. Feeling of freedom.

So first things first tonight I'm going to be true to myself FIRST. Then I'm going to be upfront and honest with this person and see what happens. If it's a "deal breaker" for him then it is what it is. I truly don't want to invite problems into my life by not being honest.

Thanks again Dallas - really appreciate you - very good words.

Love, Kathy
KT
 
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Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:36 pm
Location: Southwest Michigan

Postby Ranman99 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:25 am

Ya I go with Dallas. I've been very fortunate. I'm in a current situation where I have been having discussions with several companies about a new job in a few months.

I lean towards the one's where the guy's I would work with know my history and know I'm in recovery. I like it better like that. Then I don't even have to manage the topic. They know that I'm hard at it and changing a lot about how I conduct myself in many ways.

In terms of any relationship of any type I don't go around with a sign on my head but I do not shy away from stating that I don't drink.

Some times if they ask why I tell them that when I drink I break out in handcuffs just to see the reaction :wink:

The bottom line is to state a little prayer and keep patient and open minded. The HP will put in front of me what I need to do to be of service you see.

:roll:
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Postby CK Stealth » Wed Sep 01, 2010 8:34 am

Great thread here everyone. I personally am dealing with an 'ex' who has a hatred for alkies, yes, hatred. Yet, his best friends are heavy drinkers and he himself drinks every night. This is a situation that for right now I prefer to distance myself. Very weird.

Coming up on one month of meetings with my home group and I couldn't be happier at the challenges and changes. Thank you God and bless everyone on this site and then some!

ck
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Postby KT » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:16 am

Hey Ranman - since we are branching out in this discussion not only about my orig question, I would like to comment on some things you said.

I mean, I know Dallas was talking to me directly about my current situation. However, I too, do not think I should have to wear a sign that says I've had problems with alcohol. The important part of the message here is that I realize the honesty I MUST put forth if I am to truly recover in a healthy manner. I have had plenty of years hiding behind my mask. And it is nice to not have to do that anymore with my true friends and family. But to meet someone new and have an attraction to each other is another story. Not only alkies have on "masks". The steps and principles AA is teaching me could be practiced by anyone who wants to better themselves, and this is what I love about the program the most.

Yes, Dallas you hit home on my situation and I do intend to talk to this person about my recovery. But it does not have to be so deep that I run a person off. This person or any other person. There are many folks out there, and I used to be one of them, who thought alcoholics were skid row bums and total losers. That is a perception many non-drinkers come to when you disclose that you're an alcoholic. They don't understand the disease. Shoot.....it took me 30 yrs of drinking to get on the right track and discover all the wonderful/capable people out there who have battled the bottle.

And no, I'm not making excuses or trying to get around any of the excellent advice Dallas provided to me. I am thinking this thread could go around and open up some conversation on a good topic.

Thanks everyone - I think this site is AWESOME !

Love Kath
KT
 
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Location: Southwest Michigan

Postby Dallas » Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:05 pm

One tiny little suggestion... Don't do what I did when I was new and what many newcomers do... On the first date... we don't do our 5th Step with them. Nor on the second date or the hundredth date. "Do you still want me??? Do you still accept me???" :lol: :lol: :lol:

Some of us (that were like me) went to extremes. Of course, for me, I think it was my childishness and immaturity. Heck, I was drinking like an alcoholic by the time I was 13. And, I had never been on a date sober, let alone in a relatiohsip sober, before I got sober. :lol: I honestly didn't know what to do. My head was a man. My body was a man. But, emotionally, I was like a little kid that had never had the opportunity to grow up emotionally. And, to top it off -- emotions, especially the warm kind... scared the heck out of me. When I look back on it know -- perhaps, I was trying to run them off by telling them 5th Step stuff. :lol: :lol:

One of the biggest personal problems that I discovered in regards to bad relationships was: I didn't know how to leave them. They would shed a couple of tears and I'd feel as guilty as all get out -- that I had done something wrong or was doing something wrong, and they were hurting, and I'd blame myself for their hurts. Yep. I was a pretty sick puppy. :lol: I was hyper-sensitive. When I had a feeling it was like feelings on steroids. Before sobriety -- I could have a few drinks to chill or to numb out and do the right thing -- which often, was to leave and not look back. But, newly sober -- before getting through the Steps -- I was full of guilt and remorse about things I had done and things that I hadn't done. And, I also later discovered that I didn't like myself. Honestly -- it wasn't just didn't like myself -- I was carrying deep seated hatred and anger at myself. I was not a good candidate for a relationship and it seemed like every which way I turned -- there was another one wanting to "Oh! We'll just be friends!" ... and in reality it was "You're going to be my next ex-husband or something!" :lol: :lol:

Well. Enough of my 5th!!! :lol: :lol:

I wish the best of the best of the best for you all.

I think one of the best things I did for myself (and, see, now you'll know for sure I was a slow learner)... at two years sober... I decided to do the "no sex for a year" thing. I thought that would be as hard as getting sober! And, sometimes... it was close to it. But, after the year -- successfully not-doing it -- I felt proud of myself. I felt like I had achieved the unachievable. I felt self-worth. And, I proved to myself that I could maintain discipline -- self-discipline. I went through the Steps again and I had started liking myself. I forgave myself and accepted myself. I discovered that I didn't have to turn to the bottle or drugs or sex... to feel comfortable in my own skin. I had learned to say no. I still hadn't learned how to leave a bad relationship -- because I hadn't been in one.... other than the minor one that had really ripped me a new one, which was supposed to be one of those... "Oh! We'll just be friends!" one's. (She had agreed to the "just friends" and then changed her mind after we became friends). :lol: :lol:

I can laugh about it now -- but, it sure wasn't funny at all when I was going through the break-up of the "just friends". :lol: :lol: I nearly lost my sobriety and my life! And, that was when I began to learn that love -- for an alcoholic -- a sober one -- can be more dangerous than anything that we can go through.

I'm not one of the one's that suggests to people to not date or not get into relationships. I usually suggest they get in there and do it early. Get knocked down a few times in early sobriety -- because, when it gets later in sobriety -- we become even more fragile, in regards to broken-hearts... and a bit of experience can toughen us up! :lol:

Dallas
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Postby Dallas » Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:07 pm

BTW: Do you know how to tell when newcomers have been on their second date? You drive by their house late at night -- and if you see a U-Haul in the driveway -- it's the second date! :lol:
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Postby KT » Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:05 pm

Second Date Joke - (moving in) HILARIOUS ! :D :lol:
KT
 
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Postby Ranman99 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:21 pm

Hey Kath, I just got the email that showed your last post and read it. And I will apologize to all that sometimes I log in quickly to the site and blurt out some stuff in a very quick fashion. That is my nature but this site helps me to connect in an additional way to my program.

I also currently have a kinda of balance when it comes to relationships. One the one hand I am trying hard to keep my marriage alive on the other hand things are going well and I have some new job opportunities in front of me and some very supportive people in my field that know I am working the program and probably in their eyes changing.

All of that being said matters of the heart are of course sensitive it is their nature.

All I can say is that I have my own brand of meditation and contemplation that I am taking seriously and as soon as I start having conversations in my mind with people that are not in the same room with me I call up some of my long term sober buddies and have real conversations.

Something like that. Also as a few folks on this web site will have seen now and I can I have been very gratefull that this particular tool was availed to me also. It is just one of those great things made possible in this program.

I'm dealing with some folks right now that look one way to your face and one way behind your back and trying to figure out the best approach. It will be an honest approach but of course cautious. I get very nervous around people that I think could be like cobras. If I must deal with them I do but it can make me very snakey also. Now I'm rambling :roll:

Ciao,
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12 Step Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery | - Rigorous Honesty.....