by Then, and only then » Mon Oct 24, 2011 10:07 pm
Instead of defining what Love is, I would like to ask us, 'Am I capable of love in spousal relations.'. My answer is, no, no, no and NO.
I am a real Alk, a hopeless variety, look good outside, warped inside. One of my limitations and strength is 'Mal-contentment'. My mind always searches things to fix. Never satisfied with my lot.
Boy meet a girl, attraction, interests, decide to let himself fall in love, instincts collide, sweat and bitter, hoping, get used to, lower his guard so she can enter into his heart, loose the boundaries, memories, build history together, stay, keep his promise, principle over instincts, trust.... All that require 3 things.
One, reasonable degree of security about himself. Am I ok on my own? Do I feel reasonably whole when I came back to dark and cold room by myself? My answer was no. I thought I need someone to be whole and secure. That notion messed my twenties. I do not need anyone to feel secure. That is the 'Fear of People' in my book. Relationship is to enhance joy in life, and reduce hurts. Never to feel secure.
Two, do I know who I want or just any pretty smiles? Better yet, do I know about myself? My needs and level of commitment? No, I did not know.
Lastly, am I capable of nurturing We on fair or fowl weather? No. After attraction wear out, I am not capable of furnishing that empty space with 'The Thought About Others'.
Ok. I am not capable. What do I do? Is there sufficient substitute? Yes, there is. Fellowship of AA. Admitted or not, I see the rooms are the only substitute for many old timers. Only thing lacks is the means to calm my impetuous urges.
My final answer is, I dunno. I will just keep coming back, and don't drink no matter what till I know. I am hopeless in this matter as well. No human power.
